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What do you call a sasquatch with noodles for hair?
Spag-Yeti.
What do you call a bald one?
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
What did they do before the crowbar?
They drank in the nest
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I argued with my cashier the other day that my bill was $7.23 and not $723.
He just didn't get the point.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
There's a nudist convention coming to town.
I might go if I've got nothing going on.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Six without the "S" is just nine.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
There are two words that open a lot of doors for you: "push" and "pull".
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I got a new job as a feather inspector.
It has me feeling down.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I went to a sculptor to have something made, and he asked me if I wanted it in bronze or iron.
I said, "Either ore".
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
My son told me that cows kill more humans than sharks.
I said, "I'm surprised cows kill any sharks at all, honestly".
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
What are a skeleton's favorite units of measure?
Graveyards.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
@AppleTurkey called me a Sex Machine yesterday.
What she actually said was "fucking tool" but I know what she meant.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
"I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" recently changed their recipe.
It margarineally improved the flavor.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Apparently Neil Diamond's real name is Neil Carbon. The record company used extreme pressure to get him to change.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Eggs don't tell jokes because they're afraid of cracking each other up.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I once ran a marathon in Sweden, but I knew I was lost when I got to the Finnish line.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Went out dancing last night.
They played the twist, I did the twist.
They played the hop, I did the hop.
They played come on Eileen, I got kicked out.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I'm always so tired when April 1st rolls around. It's like I just finished a 31 day march.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
What do you call a dog that knows how to tell time?
A watch dog.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Sunday was a sad day, but the day before that was an even Saturday.
Finally a new goddamn title
why does Jesus have ripped abs in all the shirtless pictures of him?
'cause he does crossfit lolololol