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Bad Jokes

Discussion in 'useless chatter' started by fly, Feb 28, 2008.

  1. Why did Mordor collapse?

    It was on a Tolkein Ring network

    Now post yours...
     
    Jehannum gravied this.
  2. What's brown and sticky?

    a stick
     
    OOD and Jehannum gravied this.
  3. What's the strongest bird?

    A crane
     
    OOD and Jehannum gravied this.
  4. who are the fastest readers in the world?

    new yorkers. 120 stories in fifteen seconds
     
  5. Why do seagulls fly by the sea and not by the bay?

    Cuz then theyd be bagels
     
    Jehannum gravied this.
  6. I like my women like I like my bourbon

    12 years old and full of coke

    Oh...not that kind of bad...
     
    Jehannum gravied this.
  7. I like my women like I like my coffee.

    Ground up and in the freezer.
     
  8. Why did the farmer cross the road?

    His penis was stuck in the chicken.
     
  9. How do you break an Aggies finger?

    Punch him in the nose.
     
  10. The Three Little Pigs


    Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.

    "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.


    "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy.

    "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

    The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.

    "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.

    "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.

    "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

    The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.!

    "I want a banana split," said the first piggy.

    "I want a cheesecake," said the second piggy.

    "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.


    "Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy,"

    But why have you only ordered beer all evening?"



    You're gonna LOVE�me for this....



    The third piggy says -


    "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
     
  11. I like mine like I like my shrimp

    battered
     
  12. Hay, so do I!

    peeled and deveined
     
  13. I like my women like I like my communion wine
    passed out, drunk
     
    OOD gravied this.
  14. Originally the following joke was a golf groupie and Arnold Palmer but times move on

    A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
    their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession
    to make, I'm not a virgin."

    The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

    The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

    "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

    "Tiger Woods."

    "Tiger Woods the golfer?"

    "Yeah."

    "Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

    The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the
    husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

    "What are you doing?" says the wife.
    The husband says, "I'm hungry. I was going to call room service and get some
    food."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

    The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his
    wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

    "What are you doing?" she says.

    The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get
    some food."

    "Tiger wouldn't do that."

    "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

    "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."

    The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife
    one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to
    the phone and starts to dial.

    The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

    "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
     
    nukes gravied this.
  15. “Hello?”

    “Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

    “No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”

    After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”

    “Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

    Brief Pause…

    “Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

    “Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

    A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.” “And what happened honey?” he asked.

    “Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

    “Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

    “He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

    ***Long Pause***

    Then Daddy says,

    “Swimming pool? …. Is this 486-5731?”
     
    MacG, nukes, Ledboots and 1 other person gravied this.
  16. Good job on the necro.

    LOCK AND SKULL PERMA N00B.
     
  17. [​IMG]
     
    Valve1138 gravied this.
  18. it's relevant, fucker.
     
  19. I LOLd