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Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Russian newts can't live in shopping malls, because they eventually die of mall newt Russian.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Most breakdowns in the Lincoln tunnel in New York City are minivans with more than three passengers. It's carpool tunnel syndrome.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Why did the orphan rob the bank?
To be wanted.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Beethoven got rid of his chickens because they only thing they ever said was, "Bach Bach Bach".
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Eggs don't tell jokes because they might crack up.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Binary is base 2, and decimal is base 10, but I still don't understand baseball.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says "I'll have H2O." The second says, "I'll have H2O too".
The second chemist dies.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
There was a guy who had a beat up old blue-green Volvo as a teenager. He loved that car. Sadly, by the time he was making enough to afford a new Volvo, they no longer offered that color, in fact nobody did. So he saved up enough to get a $10K custom paint job for a brand new Volvo, color matching as best he could to the '70s brochures that he still had.
When his brother asked him why he'd go to such expense, he replied, "There's something about an aqua Volvo, man."
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
A new study showed that pirates found in the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion.
I don't know why people keep traveling through it, everyone knows it's 180 degrees inside a triangle.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Roger Daltry and Pete Townsend broke into a research facility and set the canines free.
We're now completely sure that The Who let the dogs out.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I'm opening a Middle-Eastern Chinese fusion restaurant.
It's called "Wok Like an Egyptian".
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
You know why you never hear a good Jim Jones joke?
The punchline is too long
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Horses are so negative.
They're all neigh sayers.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
What do you do with 100 peaches?
Eat what you can, and can what you can't.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I used to have a corduroy pillow.
It was a real headliner.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
My grandfather Roy sold pants for a living.
That makes me a quarter Roy.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
French people access the internet over Oui-fi.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
French people access the internet over Oui-fi.
Unless it's the '90s then they access it over Modeme Tussbaud.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
The world's tongue twister champion was arrested.
They're going to give her a tough sentence.