Bad Jokes

[Jehannum]

Three Fords in the same driveway is a Ford Fiesta.

 

[Jehannum]

One day there was this man. And he LOVED trains. But he never did anything with it. Until one day he snuck into a train yard and stole a train. He proceeded to drive this train recklessly until he hit a person on the tracks. In court he was sentenced to the electric chair. When the executioner asked what his last meal would be, the man replied “a single banana”. The executioner gave it to the man. Then when the executioner flipped the switch, nothing happened, and the man lived. Since state law said that if one lives from attempted execution, he walks free. The man was let go. Well shortly after, the man steals another train from the train yard. Again he is driving this train recklessly just like before, and this time he hits a newly wed couple. Same as before, he is convicted, and sentenced to the electric chair. When the executioner, again, asked what his last meal would be, the man replied “a single banana”. The executioner gave it to the man. Then when the executioner flipped the switch, nothing happened, and the man lived. Since state law said that if one lives from attempted execution, he walks free. The man was let go. Well shortly after, the man steals ANOTHER train from the train yard. AGAIN, he is driving the train as recklessly as before. This time though, he hits a family of 4 with their dog. He is again sentenced to the electric chair. When the executioner asks the man what his last meal would be. The man responds “a single banana”. The executioner is furious after the man made him look bad from the previous two failed executions. He looked at the man and said, “No way, that banana must be doing something to the electric chair.” When the executioner flipped the switch to fry the man. Nothing happened.

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with it. The man was just a bad conductor.

 

[Jehannum]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
One Saturday night, as he was sitting in the saloon, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

"Could you possibly give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Yep, sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Yep, you bet it will," replied the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning' somethin' here - got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Nope," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

 

[Jehannum]

When @AppleTurkey turned 32, I held a half-minute party, because it was her thirty second birthday.

 

[Jehannum]

Read a book with characters based on people the author had met in prison.

It had its prose and cons.

 

[gee]

Before crowbars were invented, did crows just drink at home?

 

[Jehannum]

This guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada .."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

 

[Jehannum]

 

[Jehannum]

Hey guys, it's Stonehinge.

 

[Jehannum]

The most aggressive species of bat is the combat.

 

[Jehannum]

When an earthquake happens, coffins become underground maracas.

 

[Jehannum]

What do you call a magician who loses his magic?

Ian.

 

[Jehannum]

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia.

Next minute, Nokia.

 

[Jehannum]

I'm reading a book about a 4.4lb bird.

It's called "Two Kilo Mockingbird".

 

[Jehannum]

I quit my terrible job at a candy store.

So long, suckers!

 

[Jehannum]

Yesterday, @AppleTurkey asked me why I was wearing pants with holes in them.

I said, "It's Sunday, these are my holy pants."

 

[Jehannum]

With the White House pushing people to switch from C to Rust, we will no longer be the land of the free().

 

[Jehannum]

When I was younger, I tried to get a job hypnotizing chickens, but I failed the hen-trance.

 

[Jehannum]

A cow once birthed two bulls, who were named Terrence and Horace. They were shortly nicknamed Terry and Horry.

This is a Terry bull Horry bull joke.

 

[Jehannum]

I heard a guy's girlfriend broke up with him because he only had nine toes.

She was lack toes intolerant.