i've given you my thoughts. i give you my support. and i will give you a hug one day, IRL, because i love you and you and i are so much alike. i admire you for facing this head-on, because it's the asshole's way, and you will win. because you are an asshole, of course.
there are times where you can run through life, and so much passes by you that you just don't see because it's insignificant, and you are strong.
then there are times where you can't even lift up your head to see past this very day. or this hour. this is it for you. so focus on those feet, and watch them take one.step.at.a.time. eventually, you will be able to think about two steps at a time. and then you'll be able to look up to the end of the driveway...and watch yourself make it there. and one day, kind of like waking up from a dream, you'll realize that you've collected a normal pace again...but with a much greater appreciation for all that's beside you.
and one day. you will realize how fortunate you are to have a second chance at life. to have fresh eyes after a nightmare coma.
you are very smart. you are extremely creative. you are passionate. you are loving. and you will gain an intriguing, healthy perspective from this one day. much like eileen up there. and fuck it...just like me.
but for now, focus on breathing. focus on sleeping. and if you can't even do that, hand over your focusing to the ones around you who love you most and know you the best and who can do it for you. this, my dear, is you, on the very edge of a diving board, backwards, still standing on it by just your toes. you can fall, or you can fall. but what you fall WITH is up to you. you can have fear, or you can have trust. take a deep breath, tell the fear to fuck off, close your eyes, and take your trust fall. the control is no longer yours. but your eyes will open with new depth, and you will be able to control how you apply that to your fresh life.
you fucking just beat death. you're certainly going to beat fear, too.