I need your help.

Sarcasmo

A Taste Of Honey Fluff Boy
Mar 28, 2005
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This is an odd thread, but I've known many of you for a long time and I put a lot of stock in your insight and advice. It's pretty humiliating talking about something this ridiculous, but I can't put up with it anymore.

For the past 15 years or so I have been dealing with occasional depressive mood swings. Nothing I can't usually handle, but a constant assault on my quality of life. I don't recall ever being depressed as a child or a teenager and I'm not sure exactly when they started. There are times when I feel like lying in bed all day, and times when I find myself staring at the wall and overwhelmed by a sadness that shouldnt be there and that I can't even label. It sucks my energy completely away, and leaves me an empty husk of my normally outgoing, light hearted self. Which, conveniently, depresses me further.

My thoughts are never suicidal, so no worries. I love experiencing what life has to offer. (Except chemical imbalances.)

I also suffer from the occasional anxiety attack, the roots of which I likewise cannot trace with any precision. I believe I had my first when I was around 20. There are times when nothing bothers me and nothing worries me, and then there are entire weeks where I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, my heart rate skyrockets, and my attention span is shot. I can't focus on anything except the vague fear that plagues me.

Last night several personal, emotional issues came to a head and I had what was arguably the worst night of my life. The resultant string of 7 or 8 panic attacks kept me awake through the night and in a strange state of profound terror and nausea. I vomited several times, paced back and forth, and today I am exhausted and still extremely anxious.

A close friend and coworker came into my office this morning to talk, and I broke down while discussing everything. I couldn't believe it. I never actually cry, and I was so tired and angry and confused that I couldn't stop. It's like I'm a completely different, crazy person and I can't change back. She consoled me as best she could, and described a similar bout of what she called post traumatic stress disorder following a lengthy battle with breast cancer and some other family issues. She cried for no reason, was terrified of things she couldn't identify, and didn't sleep for days. And then she got better, partly with the help of meds.

I don't doubt the events of the past couple of months (and the horrible fear that gnawed at me the whole time) are probably boiling over right now. But it's more than that, I think. Several members of my family suffer from depression and anxiety disorder, and while it's never this severe last night got me wondering how much of it was genetic. It scared the shit out of me. I could be paranoid (though not schizophrenic), but the episodes do seem to be getting more frequent as I get older.

If any of you has lived with constant, unpredictable mood swings or weird psychological self sabotage (in relationships, for example), I would love to hear how you dealt with it both in the long and short term. Or if you know someone who has. I don't want to be on meds forever, though I'm not adverse to taking some to knock this crap off in the short term. Dietary changes, exercise, etc. Anything that might help.

I think sitting on my ass on a sofa in a dark apartment, mostly unable to move, for the past 2 months has a lot to do with this disturbing mental transformation. Maybe it's a Vitamin D deficiency. I'm hoping someone has a little insight before I spend $200 to see a psychiatrist.

What the Jesus Fuck is Happening to Me,

Sarcasmo




San Dimas High School football doesn't rule the way it used to.
 
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dbzeag

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I would start with a healthy diet, a bit of exercise like walking around in this very glorious weather, decaffeinate, and give that a few weeks then reassess. Your body and mind have been through a lot lately and maybe this is the way it's trying to recover itself, hitting all of the buttons until it hits the right ones.
 

water

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I've battled depression, anxiety, and different levels of insomnia most of my life, but refuse to talk to a doctor about it or get any kind of medication/treatment (this is due to a whole other string of issues which I won't address here). In all honesty I have what I consider a "mild" case, because I'm able to control it to some degree.

Part of my reason with being so obsessed with physical fitness and exercise revolves around this. I can see direct correlations (almost daily) with my physical output and diet against how I feel as the day progresses. On days where I'm lazy and eat junk by 8pm or so I'm needlessly anxious, terrified of the thought of going to sleep (because I think I won't be able to), and depressed. One of the things I do to control these bouts of hysteria is stare at myself in the mirror and verbally tell myself that I don't have any reason to feel this way, that I'll be ok, and that it's all in my head. As dumb as that sounds it actually works for me, again I have what I guess is a mild case. Honestly I can't imagine what I'd be like if I didn't exercise as much as I do and watch what I eat.

My only advice is to not be a total idiot like I am and to go see a doctor or talk to a counselor.
 

Sarcasmo

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I've battled depression, anxiety, and different levels of insomnia most of my life, but refuse to talk to a doctor about it or get any kind of medication/treatment (this is due to a whole other string of issues which I won't address here). In all honesty I have what I consider a "mild" case, because I'm able to control it to some degree.

Part of my reason with being so obsessed with physical fitness and exercise revolves around this. I can see direct correlations (almost daily) with my physical output and diet against how I feel as the day progresses. On days where I'm lazy and eat junk by 8pm or so I'm needlessly anxious, terrified of the thought of going to sleep (because I think I won't be able to), and depressed. One of the things I do to control these bouts of hysteria is stare at myself in the mirror and verbally tell myself that I don't have any reason to feel this way, that I'll be ok, and that it's all in my head. As dumb as that sounds it actually works for me, again I have what I guess is a mild case. Honestly I can't imagine what I'd be like if I didn't exercise as much as I do and watch what I eat.

My only advice is to not be a total idiot like I am and to go see a doctor or talk to a counselor.
I can barely walk right now, so exercise it out for a while still. What a horrible way to live. I really feel bad for people in hospitals long term.
 

eileenbunny

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Talk to a doctor now. I know it sucks to admit defeat and ask for help, but it's so important. Don't worry, you don't have to be on drugs forever, you don't have to see a shrink forever, and you don't have to feel this way forever. Make sure you talk to a doctor you feel comfortable with and trust is competent to get you the help you really need. Don't do what I did and ignore it.

In 2003 my life was horrible. IBWIP and I were separated. My friends were all crazy. I was crazy. I was having these periods where I lost time. I was sad all the time and lonely in a room full of people. I spent hours staring at the wall. I cried at the drop of a hat. I couldn't tell anyone what was going on in my head and I did everything to avoid it, from drugs to sex to whatever I could to hide from it. I felt like I wasn't a real person anymore, just this big walking awful thing. I didn't have control over my brain anymore at all. Eventually I stopped eating, talking to people, going out, doing anything at all. I shut myself in my room and didn't come out. For a month. And then I went out. I went to watch a football game at a bar. I had a burger. I had a drink. I chased it with 500 pills. In the hospital after they saved my life they interviewed me and sent me off the the mental hospital. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. They gave me the drugs I needed and the counseling I needed. They sent me to classes to manage my symptoms. They taught me what was going wrong in my head and how to combat it. They taught me how to develop a support system with people that could tell me if I was slipping in the future. After a couple of years I no longer needed the drugs or the therapy. Sometimes I go back and get some therapy if I feel like things are getting overwhelming, like when my mom and IBWIP's mom died. Otherwise I'm fine and I never want to go back and feel like that again, and I have the tools to make sure that doesn't ever happen. I'm so glad I got help and I don't hate that I had to go to a psychiatrist anymore. I look at it like I look at when I had cancer. I had an illness, I got treatment, and then I got better. It took some time and some dedication and it wasn't always easy, but it was so worth it.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way right now. Try to eat regularly and keep a regular schedule. Talk to your friends. Try to challenge the negative thoughts in your head with positive ones. See your doctor. Hugs.
 
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Duke

. . first name's "Daisy" boys
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Dexter seems to be a pretty happy and well balanced guy. Maybe it's time to take a real look at Serial Killing as a therapeutic avenue of release.
 

APRIL

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Talk to a doctor now. I know it sucks to admit defeat and ask for help, but it's so important. Don't worry, you don't have to be on drugs forever, you don't have to see a shrink forever, and you don't have to feel this way forever. Make sure you talk to a doctor you feel comfortable with and trust is competent to get you the help you really need. Don't do what I did and ignore it.

In 2003 my life was horrible. IBWIP and I were separated. My friends were all crazy. I was crazy. I was having these periods where I lost time. I was sad all the time and lonely in a room full of people. I spent hours staring at the wall. I cried at the drop of a hat. I couldn't tell anyone what was going on in my head and I did everything to avoid it, from drugs to sex to whatever I could to hide from it. I felt like I wasn't a real person anymore, just this big walking awful thing. I didn't have control over my brain anymore at all. Eventually I stopped eating, talking to people, going out, doing anything at all. I shut myself in my room and didn't come out. For a month. And then I went out. I went to watch a football game at a bar. I had a burger. I had a drink. I chased it with 500 pills. In the hospital after they saved my life they interviewed me and sent me off the the mental hospital. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. They gave me the drugs I needed and the counseling I needed. They sent me to classes to manage my symptoms. They taught me what was going wrong in my head and how to combat it. They taught me how to develop a support system with people that could tell me if I was slipping in the future. After a couple of years I no longer needed the drugs or the therapy. Sometimes I go back and get some therapy if I feel like things are getting overwhelming, like when my mom and IBWIP's mom died. Otherwise I'm fine and I never want to go back and feel like that again, and I have the tools to make sure that doesn't ever happen. I'm so glad I got help and I don't hate that I had to go to a psychiatrist anymore. I look at it like I look at when I had cancer. I had an illness, I got treatment, and then I got better. It took some time and some dedication and it wasn't always easy, but it was so worth it.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way right now. Try to eat regularly and keep a regular schedule. Talk to your friends. Try to challenge the negative thoughts in your head with positive ones. See your doctor. Hugs.
Wise beyond her years, this girl.
 

b_sinning

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My bi-polar didn't kick in until I was in my early 20s. I had no clue what had changed in my world but nothing felt right and my relationships with a lot of friends just went down the drain as my world came unglued. It took a good while to get a handle on things because I didn't understand what had changed.