Being Single ...

[Sarcasmo]

i think that before you can give the gift of a complete self to someone else, you need to understand that the life you were given is for YOU. YOU have to learn how to live with YOURSELF. there's no guarantee that you will share YOUR life with someone else. you have to learn how to live your life, for yourself. when you're doing this, you figure out a lot about yourself, you find strength, you build your character. if you stop looking and focus on yourself, you have the potential to build a solid being. THEN, you are ready, IF the time comes, to give this AWESOME person to someone else as a GIFT. "look here...i'm A, B, C, D and E...this are the great things i can offer you...i've worked hard on these, and they won't be taken for granted. are you worthy of me, as i am to get you?" because the person who will be attracted to YOU as a strong, healthy, balanced person is a person you will probably be wanting to compliment who you are.

am i making sense?

Word up. Bubbles isn't there yet, so she shouldn't be worried about finding someone. She isn't happy with herself.

 

[Thorn Bird]

Word up. Bubbles isn't there yet, so she shouldn't be worried about finding someone. She isn't happy with herself.

exactly. put it down, leave it alone, find something else to do, check back later. time changes things.

 

[Candy]

i think that before you can give the gift of a complete self to someone else, you need to understand that the life you were given is for YOU. YOU have to learn how to live with YOURSELF. there's no guarantee that you will share YOUR life with someone else. you have to learn how to live your life, for yourself. when you're doing this, you figure out a lot about yourself, you find strength, you build your character. if you stop looking and focus on yourself, you have the potential to build a solid being. THEN, you are ready, IF the time comes, to give this AWESOME person to someone else as a GIFT. "look here...i'm A, B, C, D and E...this are the great things i can offer you...i've worked hard on these, and they won't be taken for granted. are you worthy of me, as i am to get you?" because the person who will be attracted to YOU as a strong, healthy, balanced person is a person you will probably be wanting to compliment who you are.

am i making sense?

Completely.

 

[gottoys?]

am i making sense?

Every thing you say makes sense to ME - because I am a 'thinking\logical' kind of person. But that's not what I see in relationships or out there in the real world.

I have a strong sense of myself and know I have great attributes along with a positive attitude. I know were I am going and what I want out of life ... and I don't want to settle. BUT in the 'single' world I am seeing the opposite sex more attracted to girls just the opposite - the needy unfocused type.

I personnally 'can't' lower my standards or be less then I want to be for the sake of 'finding' someone. BUT - I just want to understand how and why this seems to be the case? ... and I want to know if I am living in a dream world

 

[Thorn Bird]

Every thing you say makes sense to ME - because I am a 'thinking\logical' kind of person. But that's not what I see in relationships or out there in the real world.

I have a strong sense of myself and know I have great attributes along with a positive attitude. I know were I am going and what I want out of life ... and I don't want to settle. BUT in the 'single' world I am seeing the opposite sex more attracted to girls just the opposite - the needy unfocused type.

I personnally 'can't' lower my standards or be less then I want to be for the sake of 'finding' someone. BUT - I just want to understand how and why this seems to be the case? ... and I want to know if I am living in a dream world

shooot...i live in a dream world always. always have, always will. what i've recently discovered is that it's crucial to have a balance. i had to figure out what kept disappointing me. then i i had to look at the chance that it might just be near impossible to obtain. "this is NOT going to happen, so i need to commit this to fantasy world (leave it to the movies and books,) and focus on other things that are obtainable." this way, and it's true for ME, i'm realizing what's not really fair to expect, what i can accept, what i should keep in fantasy world, and what i do want so i don't lower any standards. i have to find the balance. and even though i'm married, this still applies. the relationship is not over because we're married...it's just harder to see as clearly because you're so close to the situation. i have to balance the romantic, fantastical creature in me with real world variables.

 

[taeric]

Every thing you say makes sense to ME - because I am a 'thinking\logical' kind of person. But that's not what I see in relationships or out there in the real world.

I have a strong sense of myself and know I have great attributes along with a positive attitude. I know were I am going and what I want out of life ... and I don't want to settle. BUT in the 'single' world I am seeing the opposite sex more attracted to girls just the opposite - the needy unfocused type.

I personnally 'can't' lower my standards or be less then I want to be for the sake of 'finding' someone. BUT - I just want to understand how and why this seems to be the case? ... and I want to know if I am living in a dream world

So what exactly are you attracted to? What are your standards? Finally, where are you looking for said people?

For myself, I'm convinced that if there is that "special person" that I have to find, odds are she was born in another time. Either that or in China. Neither case looks good.

 

[Syrup Beaver]

I personnally 'can't' lower my standards or be less then I want to be for the sake of 'finding' someone. BUT - I just want to understand how and why this seems to be the case? ... and I want to know if I am living in a dream world

I think some people get too caught up with their 'standards' or 'requirements', and only let those drive the finding of a potential mate - not saying standards are bad on a whole, but it's unrealistic to discount anyone who's not perfectly in line with those standards.

I had a friend, who was quite short, living with her parents, going to night school, could never hold down a job for long - and wouldn't want to date any guy that wasn't tall, blond, 'GQ material', ivy-leauge educated, with a real job, and their own place

 

[taeric]

I think some people get too caught up with their 'standards' or 'requirements', and only let those drive the finding of a potential mate - not saying standards are bad on a whole, but it's unrealistic to discount anyone who's not perfectly in line with those standards.

++

 

[gottoys?]

shooot...i live in a dream world always. always have, always will. what i've recently discovered is that it's crucial to have a balance. i had to figure out what kept disappointing me. then i i had to look at the chance that it might just be near impossible to obtain. "this is NOT going to happen, so i need to commit this to fantasy world (leave it to the movies and books,) and focus on other things that are obtainable." this way, and it's true for ME, i'm realizing what's not really fair to expect, what i can accept, what i should keep in fantasy world, and what i do want so i don't lower any standards. i have to find the balance. and even though i'm married, this still applies. the relationship is not over because we're married...it's just harder to see as clearly because you're so close to the situation. i have to balance the romantic, fantastical creature in me with real world variables.

These thoughts are PERFECT! it is refreshing to know someone thinks like I. I am such a romantic (though I NEVER read romantic books) but just in life in general.

I am at this 'discovery' stage right now - just trying to figure out what is obtainable. I am still believing it all is - so I need to come back down to reality and figure out if maybe certain things aren't.

 

[Candy]

shooot...i live in a dream world always. always have, always will. what i've recently discovered is that it's crucial to have a balance. i had to figure out what kept disappointing me. then i i had to look at the chance that it might just be near impossible to obtain. "this is NOT going to happen, so i need to commit this to fantasy world (leave it to the movies and books,) and focus on other things that are obtainable." this way, and it's true for ME, i'm realizing what's not really fair to expect, what i can accept, what i should keep in fantasy world, and what i do want so i don't lower any standards. i have to find the balance. and even though i'm married, this still applies. the relationship is not over because we're married...it's just harder to see as clearly because you're so close to the situation. i have to balance the romantic, fantastical creature in me with real world variables.

Wow... not THAT was well said. I find that I live in a fantasy world ALOT. I need to discover what is OK to accept, and not what to EXPECT.

 

[taeric]

These thoughts are PERFECT! it is refreshing to know someone thinks like I. I am such a romantic (though I NEVER read romantic books) but just in life in general.

I am at this 'discovery' stage right now - just trying to figure out what is obtainable. I am still believing it all is - so I need to come back down to reality and figure out if maybe certain things aren't.

I hope it isn't about convincing one's self that things are unattainable. I would rather it is coming to more of an understanding about what it is that one actually wants.

For those in relationships, did you give up on things? Or is it more that you came to a different understanding of what you wanted? More of a realization of what you actually wanted?

Actually this is dangerously close to the question, "What do you want to do when you grow up?"

 

[kiwi]

I like being single, it was fun. I had lots of guy friends (okay they all had crushes) that wanted to take me out so I was rarely bored. But I only did that for a couple years, than I found Knyte. If I ended up single again, I'm not sure if I would bother trying to find someone new, I guess it depends on my age. I would just make sure that I found something so I didn't end up over coddling/parenting my kids to the point that they turn retarded to make up for my loneliness. (Don't worry, I'm not talking about anyone on this forum.)

 

[gottoys?]

I hope it isn't about convincing one's self that things are unattainable. I would rather it is coming to more of an understanding about what it is that one actually wants.

For those in relationships, did you give up on things? Or is it more that you came to a different understanding of what you wanted? More of a realization of what you actually wanted?

Actually this is dangerously close to the question, "What do you want to do when you grow up?"

Yeah! that's what I want to know? or did you just fall madly in LOVE blindly an not THINK about anything. I was thinking MY problem was I was trying to overanalyze the situation and have a pro\con checklist of what I wanted and didn't want - which is just to hard to find someone to fit all those things.

When I was in my teens and twenties - I didn't have a checklist . I just fell in love and that was that.

 

[Thorn Bird]

I hope it isn't about convincing one's self that things are unattainable. I would rather it is coming to more of an understanding about what it is that one actually wants.

For those in relationships, did you give up on things? Or is it more that you came to a different understanding of what you wanted? More of a realization of what you actually wanted?

Actually this is dangerously close to the question, "What do you want to do when you grow up?"

it's hard to explain, and i think everyone has different views of it and ways of doing it. if you have to convince yourself that something's unattainable, you're probably going to be settling. it's like you said -- more of a realization or understanding. however, for ME, sometimes it's been realizing that my standards or expectations were so high, it would be impossible to get to them.

relationships are all about compromise. i think MOST OF THE TIME (i cannot say all the time, because every relationship is different!) people have to learn what they can compromise on without being let down or disappointed or miserable. then it's not compromise.
i WOULD NOT compromise on children. i met guys like this: "hi, my name's jt, and i'm having kids. if you don't like it, there's no point in moving on." that saved a lot of time, and i never saw anyone turn right around and walk out. (maybe they did later! )
this is a more generic, not personal, example...but this is my point. i could compromise on most anything else without being regretful. there are some things i couldn't compromise just to settle.

 

[Thorn Bird]

Yeah! that's what I want to know? or did you just fall madly in LOVE blindly an not THINK about anything. I was thinking MY problem was I was trying to overanalyze the situation and have a pro\con checklist of what I wanted and didn't want - which is just to hard to find someone to fit all those things.

When I was in my teens and twenties - I didn't have a checklist . I just fell in love and that was that.

i don't understand the point of a checklist unless you're already in a relationship and you're about to get married. why rule out the surprises? if i had done that, i'da never gotten with spange. he smoked, he drank, he had tattoos, and he was sure he wanted to be an uncle but not sure about being a dad. we just let the relationship happen. i kept thinking, "yeah, this is fun...but i'll never marry him." i mean...we just developed. we grew TOGETHER. we talked a LOT. and even before he proposed, we discussed kids. i kept asking and kept asking about it...i didn't want him to do it just for me, and i didn't want to waste time if he KNEW he didn't want kids. one day, i was asking, and he said, "i KNOW you want kids. i decided that I wanted to be the one you had them WITH." i never doubted him again. i had an honest answer, and i put faith in that answer. and he's honestly the best, most impressive, most dedicated father you will ever meet. he's wonderful.
so things that are in the beginning are not necessarily the way they are later...at least in MY experience. we have grown together, we have compromised together, and that's what keeps us going. if you don't have the ablility to work together, i don't think there's a lot of point to the relationship.

but this is all what I think...not the rules for others, necessarily. i also would NEVER be able to marry someone after 6 weeks...some couples live happily ever after after doing this. it's just a difference...ther's no right or wrong.

 

[Candy]

i don't understand the point of a checklist unless you're already in a relationship and you're about to get married. why rule out the surprises? if i had done that, i'da never gotten with spange. he smoked, he drank, he had tattoos, and he was sure he wanted to be an uncle but not sure about being a dad. we just let the relationship happen. i kept thinking, "yeah, this is fun...but i'll never marry him." i mean...we just developed. we grew TOGETHER. we talked a LOT. and even before he proposed, we discussed kids. i kept asking and kept asking about it...i didn't want him to do it just for me, and i didn't want to waste time if he KNEW he didn't want kids. one day, i was asking, and he said, "i KNOW you want kids. i decided that I wanted to be the one you had them WITH." i never doubted him again. i had an honest answer, and i put faith in that answer. and he's honestly the best, most impressive, most dedicated father you will ever meet. he's wonderful.
so things that are in the beginning are not necessarily the way they are later...at least in MY experience. we have grown together, we have compromised together, and that's what keeps us going. if you don't have the ablility to work together, i don't think there's a lot of point to the relationship.

but this is all what I think...not the rules for others, necessarily. i also would NEVER be able to marry someone after 6 weeks...some couples live happily ever after after doing this. it's just a difference...ther's no right or wrong.

Talking and being FRIENDS first is key. The rest will follow if it's in the cards. Somewhere in the friends/talking stage I think it is possible to fall madly in love; you just may not know it.

Shawn and I have neighbors on one side of us that are in their 50's; no kids living in the house, 4 dogs, seemingly doing well.

The are (at least as seen from the outside) very in love. You can tell by the way they talk about each other when the other is not present. Every once in awhile we can hear them talking over our fence... We'll call her Linda: "Linda, why don't you grab your cocktail and come sit outside with me by the pool..." This on a Saturday early evening as the sun is setting. Most couples I know in their fifties are trying to hide from each other Saturday afternoons. I thought it was nice that they seem so in love.

 

[gottoys?]

thinking, "yeah, this is fun...but i'll never marry him."

How sad - this is what I did with keith for 10 years. He wanted to get married so bad to me - but I always knew he was not who I really wanted as my husband. But we had fun and because we were both easy going - no fights - it was easy to stay together for 10 years.

 

[Sarcasmo]

I don't see what the big deal is about being single really. You can do what you want when you want, or WHO you want when you want. You answer to yourself.

I don't think it's as bad as some people make it sound. Certain individuals are just very needy, or lonely by nature. They have to be with someone to feel validated or whole. Me, I'm a loner. If I never find someone again, so be it. It just doesn't bother me.

 

[Onnotangu]

great another thread to remind me I suck at dating.

Damn it women, I'm already trained to deal with you and quite willing to care for one..why can't i find a local woman my age worth a damn?

 

[kiwi]

great another thread to remind me I suck at dating.

Damn it women, I'm already trained to deal with you and quite willing to care for one..why can't i find a local woman my age worth a damn?

Because you like baseball.