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Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I'm going to make a TV series about different parts of furnaces.
I've already filmed the pilot.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
A termite walked in to a bar, and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"
I don't joke any less, either.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I think my new girlfriend is a ghost.
I began to suspect the moment she walked through the door.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
If James Hetfield officiated the wedding of Mrs. Piggy and Kermit the Frog, he'd be a Pastor of Muppets.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
accidentally took a laxative with holy water, now I'm about to have a religious movement.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Joined a dating app for arsonists.
I'm getting a lot of matches.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
The thief wore blue gloves, so that he wouldn't be caught red handed.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
We had some leftover tacos for dinner last night, but my kids wouldn't eat them.
After dinner, Louise told me to throw them out, so I did, but now I have no idea what to do with the leftover tacos.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Did you guys hear about the investment banker who changed careers to be a horse breeder?
He was looking for more stable returns.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
You think if Trump's treason trial ends in a death sentence by hanging, he'll declare it fake noose?
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
A joke made from Cobalt, Radon, and Yttrium is CoRnY.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I had to throw away my old worn-out shoes the other day, they were on their last legs.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
Interviewer : What's your biggest strength?
Me : I'm good at Machine Learning
Interviewer : Okay, what's 21+17
Me : It's 5
Interviewer : Not even close. It's 38
Me : It's 20
Interviewer : I said it's 38
Me : It's 35
Interviewer : It's still 38....
Me : It's 38
Interviewer : Hired!
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
The sweater I bought was full of static electricity, so I returned it.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Finally a new goddamn title
A glass of orange juice without ice in it isn't a glass of juice at all.
It's just a glass of ju.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I was so mad earlier that I threw my keyboard against the wall, and parts flew everywhere.
That's when the shift hit the fan.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
I once dated a girl with one leg shorter than the other. Her name was Eileen.
Puts the "pro" in procrastination
What do ducks like on their tacos?
Beako de Gallo and quackamole.