Some jokes for Thrawn

Mean Mr. Mustard

Always shouts out something obscene
Sep 30, 2004
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My
dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well, says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too..

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

now you guys post some crappy jokes
And to reclaim my title:

What did batman say to robin before they got into the car??

Robin.... Get in the car...

What do you call somebody without a Doug?

DOUGLAS! about somebody without a nickel?

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw.
When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Old one but I enjoyed it:
The Differences Between Men and Women

NICKNAMES: If Louise, Trana, Sheli and Eve go out for lunch, they will call each other Louise, Trana, Sheli and Eve. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though the tab is only for $22.50. None of them will admit to having anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of hair-caked soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 487. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things, often using coupons. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day--sometimes all week.

CATS: Women love cats. Men also say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. who will offer to help them with their laundry This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

OFFSPRING: As for children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and young romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Two elderly women, robin, age 75 and connie, age 80, were outside of a drugstore smoking cigarettes and it started to rain.

robin slowly opened her purse and pulled a condom out , ripped off the tip and put it on her cigarette, so she could continue smoking even though it was raining

"that's a good idea" said connie and she pulled some money out as she walked into the drugstore

"may I help you?" asked the sales clerk

"yes, I'd like to buy a box of condoms please" said connie

"um, okay ma'am, I'll need to know what size" replied the clerk, shocked at the old women's request

"Oh sonny, it doesn't matter, as long as it fits a camel"
One night , in a sleepy town a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene. After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto. Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.

In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.

Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000! After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money.

The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"
Everything hurts , and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work anyway.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like you really hung one one the night before, and you were in bed asleep by eight.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle-aged.
You join a health club and don't go.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today!"
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You're 17 around the neck and 42 around the waist.
You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Your back goes out more than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
You turn out the lights for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You remember this week that last week was your wedding anniversary.
You are startled the first time you are addressed as "Old Timer".
You answer automatically when someone addresses you "Old Timer."
You burn your midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl walk by.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friend who exercised.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off.
The thought of getting out of bed never occurs to you.
for theac:

Why did the bald man draw rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance they looked like hares.