Unfortunately you aren't your sister, and you can't make her decisions for her no matter how hard you try. What else can be said? She's a big girl, will do what she wants, and apparently she wants to be in a relationship with a freakshow.
Absolutely serious thread advice needed
- Thread starter DeathBatCountry
- Start date
Unfortunately that's no good. Recording a phone call without the other party knowing about it is not admissible as evidence in court. However, most jail phone calls are already recorded by default and the prisoners are aware of this. A good lawyer would pull those recordings and there's your evidence.
If you can convince her to press charges, the one I would think would most likely stick would be communicating threats, which is a misdemeanor in most states. Usually you need no more proof than a statement from the party being threatened, but since the jail has recordings there is a lot more to go on there. Best thing to do would be to first convince her to decide that this guy is bad news and move on. Then set up a restraining order to begin upon his release.
I'm not sure how the threat took place.. The prison he is in allows conjugal visits, it could've been face to face.
My sister was a waitress back in the day, and had a customer who came in a lot, sat in her section, hit on her, and refused to leave. His behavior became a bit threatening eventually, and yet she couldn't bring herself to confront him about it.
So I gathered a large, menacing Italian friend of mine, and we parked our asses in a booth in the restaurant and waited. Eventually the man entered, sat in her section, and we calmly got up and sat in his booth with him. We informed him that if we ever saw him around my sister or in the restaurant again he would be tortured and killed.
I'm not a big or particularly intimidating guy. I've got a fucking butterfly on my face for crying out loud. Thus it would've been hard to hear those sorts of threats from my lips and really have them sink in. When you're a bodybuilding Italian with a scarred face, menacing voice, and you never break eye contact though, it's very believable. And very scary. We were the Goodfellas, and that motherfucker was trespassing. She never heard from him after that.
I don't do well with threats or threatening behavior though. I'm a firm believer in responding with two or three times what you receive. We probably took it too far, but it was effective. My buddy was actually disappointed that no violence was involved, if that tells you anything. He thinks threats are silly.
So I gathered a large, menacing Italian friend of mine, and we parked our asses in a booth in the restaurant and waited. Eventually the man entered, sat in her section, and we calmly got up and sat in his booth with him. We informed him that if we ever saw him around my sister or in the restaurant again he would be tortured and killed.
I'm not a big or particularly intimidating guy. I've got a fucking butterfly on my face for crying out loud. Thus it would've been hard to hear those sorts of threats from my lips and really have them sink in. When you're a bodybuilding Italian with a scarred face, menacing voice, and you never break eye contact though, it's very believable. And very scary. We were the Goodfellas, and that motherfucker was trespassing. She never heard from him after that.
I don't do well with threats or threatening behavior though. I'm a firm believer in responding with two or three times what you receive. We probably took it too far, but it was effective. My buddy was actually disappointed that no violence was involved, if that tells you anything. He thinks threats are silly.
Dory Berkowitz-Bukowski
Clam whisperer
If it was my sister I'd tell my dad and my brother, we'd bide our time til he got outta jail and then beat him to within an inch of his life and severely break both his wrists to ensure he can never properly use them to punch or masturbate properly again. Simple.
Syrup Beaver
pants log
Well that's just crazy, no-one with any morals would give out some horrific beating like that no matter the situation.
get a restraining order on him, make sure he never gets near you or your family.
Yeah because restraining orders are flawless at keeping him away.
makes it easier to get off for blowing his brains out.
most people are going to assume that your SIL is of sound mind. most people can't understand the mentality that goes along with these type situations. most people assume that she is completely aware and therefore able to make her own decisions. and therefore most people will be very dismissive and judgmental. it's not that easy.
you need to understand that her mind is not sound right now. she more than likely has no clear thinking. she probably has no confidence, no accurate awareness, and more fear than she knows what to do with. more than likely she feels paralyzed, hopeless. she doesn't see an easy/hopeful/positive route to take. she might have begun to believe the condescending things he tells her. she believes him because he's not that way all the time. he smiles and he's sweet and he probably even thinks he loves her or does, in a weird way. she doesn't want to believe that she could have been this oblivious enough to get herself into this situation. it's hard for a smart woman to realize she's a victim...she just can't be because she's smart, right? so she then probably thinks that what he is saying is real. she believes it because she is so lost, and he probably isn't (in her eyes,) so why not believe him? it's a catch-22.
you don't have to understand this. it doesn't make sense to most people. what i hope you can do is believe that whatever it is, whatever doesn't make sense to you, that that's what IS making sense to her right now. right or wrong, accurate or not, that's what is on the table right now.
you cannot change this situation. it is not up to you, it is not in your control, it is not, ultimately, your responsibility. because you cannot MAKE her do anything. but this does not mean that you are helpless or you should give up or you should feel like there is nothing you CAN do.
your SIL needs to be able to recognize some sort of support. SHE needs to understand and be able to have safety and security in a support group. a true support group will not TELL her what she is. they will not DISMISS whatever it is she's going through, regardless of how much sense it makes, or the lack of sense it might seem like. it's hard to understand, but it is REAL to her. and someone who is able to truly be supportive will understand that she will feel support when she feels safe enough and trusted enough to be able to relay ALL that she's thinking and feeling. and not be dismissed as crazy. and not be judged for all she thinks and feels.
perhaps YOU can help by helping her to find support. best friend? your spouse? her mother. YOU. a counselor. a support group. you can start by trying to find a safe person that she can confide in.
if she is able to find someone she can turn to, perhaps, as she begins voicing aloud and considering all she's thinking and feeling, she, along with the supporter, can begin to figure out things that she doesn't think are accurate. perhaps she'll begin to find confidence again as she wanders through herself...something she's been so far removed from for a while, more than likely. hopefully, as progression happens, as discoveries are made, she will be able to find clarity and strength in herself, and also an awareness that this is, in fact, not healthy, and that no, no matter how imperfect she is, she does not deserve such things.
and yes. this will take time. no one knows how long. and she has to do this herself. and this situation seems to be one that is not going to allow for a long stretch of time to discover, process and act. can you go to her and gently give her your concern? don't berate her. don't TELL her what's wrong. or that she's stupid. or that she's better than this. she won't be able to understand this, and you'll lose her. she won't have confidence or belief in you because she cannot feel it from you. the chance will be lost, no matter how hard you try.
voice your concerns. voice what you see is happening to her, and why it bothers you. what is it that hurts you to see about her the most? try to find something that SHE might be able to believe about herself that you are MISSING. reassure her with how you feel about HER. you are worried and hurt and upset by the fact that YOU feel like she's missing from your life. for whatever reason you do have, so long as it's the truth. you just want her to know that you believe in her, that you understand that you DON'T understand the situation but that doesn't matter to you...you want to be there for her, you ARE there for her when she's ready to want a safe place to come to. be gentle. don't criticize. be sensitive. be open. be patient. and try your damndest to make her FEEL that you love her. and THAT'S where all of this is coming from.
i don't know legally what you can do. make records. record things that are said and the dates. call hotlines that are set up for emotional/physical abuse. let your concerns be on record. i don't know if you can call the cops about a concern...they sure can't do anything...but it'll be on record.
and good luck. don't give up on her just because it's hard to understand. it IS. but it doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense to you. what matters is that this is real to her, and you want to help her. it's not easy to work, but it's easy to know why you are invested. and sometimes that's enough to spark the change.
you need to understand that her mind is not sound right now. she more than likely has no clear thinking. she probably has no confidence, no accurate awareness, and more fear than she knows what to do with. more than likely she feels paralyzed, hopeless. she doesn't see an easy/hopeful/positive route to take. she might have begun to believe the condescending things he tells her. she believes him because he's not that way all the time. he smiles and he's sweet and he probably even thinks he loves her or does, in a weird way. she doesn't want to believe that she could have been this oblivious enough to get herself into this situation. it's hard for a smart woman to realize she's a victim...she just can't be because she's smart, right? so she then probably thinks that what he is saying is real. she believes it because she is so lost, and he probably isn't (in her eyes,) so why not believe him? it's a catch-22.
you don't have to understand this. it doesn't make sense to most people. what i hope you can do is believe that whatever it is, whatever doesn't make sense to you, that that's what IS making sense to her right now. right or wrong, accurate or not, that's what is on the table right now.
you cannot change this situation. it is not up to you, it is not in your control, it is not, ultimately, your responsibility. because you cannot MAKE her do anything. but this does not mean that you are helpless or you should give up or you should feel like there is nothing you CAN do.
your SIL needs to be able to recognize some sort of support. SHE needs to understand and be able to have safety and security in a support group. a true support group will not TELL her what she is. they will not DISMISS whatever it is she's going through, regardless of how much sense it makes, or the lack of sense it might seem like. it's hard to understand, but it is REAL to her. and someone who is able to truly be supportive will understand that she will feel support when she feels safe enough and trusted enough to be able to relay ALL that she's thinking and feeling. and not be dismissed as crazy. and not be judged for all she thinks and feels.
perhaps YOU can help by helping her to find support. best friend? your spouse? her mother. YOU. a counselor. a support group. you can start by trying to find a safe person that she can confide in.
if she is able to find someone she can turn to, perhaps, as she begins voicing aloud and considering all she's thinking and feeling, she, along with the supporter, can begin to figure out things that she doesn't think are accurate. perhaps she'll begin to find confidence again as she wanders through herself...something she's been so far removed from for a while, more than likely. hopefully, as progression happens, as discoveries are made, she will be able to find clarity and strength in herself, and also an awareness that this is, in fact, not healthy, and that no, no matter how imperfect she is, she does not deserve such things.
and yes. this will take time. no one knows how long. and she has to do this herself. and this situation seems to be one that is not going to allow for a long stretch of time to discover, process and act. can you go to her and gently give her your concern? don't berate her. don't TELL her what's wrong. or that she's stupid. or that she's better than this. she won't be able to understand this, and you'll lose her. she won't have confidence or belief in you because she cannot feel it from you. the chance will be lost, no matter how hard you try.
voice your concerns. voice what you see is happening to her, and why it bothers you. what is it that hurts you to see about her the most? try to find something that SHE might be able to believe about herself that you are MISSING. reassure her with how you feel about HER. you are worried and hurt and upset by the fact that YOU feel like she's missing from your life. for whatever reason you do have, so long as it's the truth. you just want her to know that you believe in her, that you understand that you DON'T understand the situation but that doesn't matter to you...you want to be there for her, you ARE there for her when she's ready to want a safe place to come to. be gentle. don't criticize. be sensitive. be open. be patient. and try your damndest to make her FEEL that you love her. and THAT'S where all of this is coming from.
i don't know legally what you can do. make records. record things that are said and the dates. call hotlines that are set up for emotional/physical abuse. let your concerns be on record. i don't know if you can call the cops about a concern...they sure can't do anything...but it'll be on record.
and good luck. don't give up on her just because it's hard to understand. it IS. but it doesn't matter that it doesn't make sense to you. what matters is that this is real to her, and you want to help her. it's not easy to work, but it's easy to know why you are invested. and sometimes that's enough to spark the change.
i expect a lot of tl;dr. 
i only wrote it for the thread creator. won't hurt my feelings if it's not read by anyone else.
i only wrote it for the thread creator. won't hurt my feelings if it's not read by anyone else.
Mean Mr. Mustard
Always shouts out something obscene
i expect a lot of tl;dr.
i only wrote it for the thread creator. won't hurt my feelings if it's not read by anyone else.
Well she has opened up a little to her best friend (the folks that want to move her to Alabama) and the friend told my wife. That's why I pulled the criminal record to see exactly what was the truth and what wasn't.
wow. that's long.
yeah, thats a post that you copy and paste into notepad for printing.