I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I feel like someone should really write up a FAQ on how a man should properly use a public restroom to maximize badassness. So with further pointless grammatical errors (this would increase badassness) here you fucking go:
1. While walking up to a urinal to take a piss spit in it first. I can’t even begin to explain how much of an instant badass you will become from doing this – it’s the easiest way to say, “I’m the fucking alpha male here, in fact, call me the goddamn Dog Whisperer”, without actually saying it. Think about it folks, you’re standing there taking a piss with your 3 inch dick and a man strolls into the bathroom striding right up to the urinal next to you but before he unleashes liquid waste Armageddon in there he hawks the biggest loogie ever smack against the white porcelain back wall. Chances are he has a kick ass mustache too like that dude from No Country for Old Men. Oh and don’t chince on the spit thickness it has to be about as big as:
2. If you’re going to the men’s room your urine stream needs to be huge, long, and loud as shit. Don’t waltz into the men’s room because you’ve got to tinkle, the thicker and louder your stream is the more you announce to the room that you’ve got a hog the size of California and a prostate that’s healthy as shit. Practice by drinking multiple gallon jugs of water until you’re about to burst – proudly walk right into the bathroom, stand a mile away from the urinal and launch (remember to spit first). The stream should look like a goddamn icicle torpedo, and anyone that sees it will fall to their knees in respect – that is if they aren’t already worshiping you from your initial spit.
3. If you’re going to take a shit, that’s great, but remember to grunt, moan, and make weird noises. We’ve all been in a pooper stall next to someone that made the wackest noises while cutting some playdough. At first it seemed really strange to me, I thought “Why the hell can’t this guy shit in silence?” But then it came to me. You see, everyone’s uncomfortable having to shit in a public bathroom, but this grunting guy obviously doesn’t give damn; he’s essentially narrating each fucking push with his loud obnoxious animal sounds. I say to you gents, if you’re going to poop in a public restroom, grunt as loud as you can, it really makes it seem like you know what you’re doing.
4. Washing your hands after you piss is stupid - it’s like saying, “I’m scared of a little bit of urine! Help! Help! It might ruin the taste of my turkey sandwich!” I saw that dude Bear Gryll drink his own urine like it was a beer bong. Speaking of which, if a man is willing to do that on TV then he should be able to sleep that night in a goddamn Holiday Inn. Anyways, don’t wash your hands, this is far more manly… in fact take the small amount of urine you have on your finger tips and run it through your hair – make sure everyone is watching. Don’t spend time thinking about, just do it - because if I ever saw a dude spit into a urinal, unload a dickhole tidal wave, and then refuse to wash his hands and instead ran his urine soaked fingers through his hair I’d be like “Holy shit, what a bad ass.”
Fin.
1. While walking up to a urinal to take a piss spit in it first. I can’t even begin to explain how much of an instant badass you will become from doing this – it’s the easiest way to say, “I’m the fucking alpha male here, in fact, call me the goddamn Dog Whisperer”, without actually saying it. Think about it folks, you’re standing there taking a piss with your 3 inch dick and a man strolls into the bathroom striding right up to the urinal next to you but before he unleashes liquid waste Armageddon in there he hawks the biggest loogie ever smack against the white porcelain back wall. Chances are he has a kick ass mustache too like that dude from No Country for Old Men. Oh and don’t chince on the spit thickness it has to be about as big as:
2. If you’re going to the men’s room your urine stream needs to be huge, long, and loud as shit. Don’t waltz into the men’s room because you’ve got to tinkle, the thicker and louder your stream is the more you announce to the room that you’ve got a hog the size of California and a prostate that’s healthy as shit. Practice by drinking multiple gallon jugs of water until you’re about to burst – proudly walk right into the bathroom, stand a mile away from the urinal and launch (remember to spit first). The stream should look like a goddamn icicle torpedo, and anyone that sees it will fall to their knees in respect – that is if they aren’t already worshiping you from your initial spit.
3. If you’re going to take a shit, that’s great, but remember to grunt, moan, and make weird noises. We’ve all been in a pooper stall next to someone that made the wackest noises while cutting some playdough. At first it seemed really strange to me, I thought “Why the hell can’t this guy shit in silence?” But then it came to me. You see, everyone’s uncomfortable having to shit in a public bathroom, but this grunting guy obviously doesn’t give damn; he’s essentially narrating each fucking push with his loud obnoxious animal sounds. I say to you gents, if you’re going to poop in a public restroom, grunt as loud as you can, it really makes it seem like you know what you’re doing.
4. Washing your hands after you piss is stupid - it’s like saying, “I’m scared of a little bit of urine! Help! Help! It might ruin the taste of my turkey sandwich!” I saw that dude Bear Gryll drink his own urine like it was a beer bong. Speaking of which, if a man is willing to do that on TV then he should be able to sleep that night in a goddamn Holiday Inn. Anyways, don’t wash your hands, this is far more manly… in fact take the small amount of urine you have on your finger tips and run it through your hair – make sure everyone is watching. Don’t spend time thinking about, just do it - because if I ever saw a dude spit into a urinal, unload a dickhole tidal wave, and then refuse to wash his hands and instead ran his urine soaked fingers through his hair I’d be like “Holy shit, what a bad ass.”
Fin.
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