We need a Thursday joke thread...

M

meyou

Guest
So...here it is.

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.


The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"



"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."


The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment"

and then the interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"


The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."


The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now.

The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."


The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."


"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that"

Now you guys post some jokes.
 

fly

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Man and his new Texan bride are on their way home from the local chapel. He lets the wife ride on the horse while he walks in stride.

While walking, the horse starts to stray off course. The man quickly slaps the horse on the mouth and says, "That's once." The woman, a little taken aback, ignores the act. A little while later, the horse starts to stray again. Yet again, the man slaps the horse to get back on track and says, "That's twice." Not wanting to ruffle the new marriage, the wife says nothing...

With their new house in sight, the horse strays a third time. This time the man takes out a pistol and shoots the horse while screaming, "THATS THREE!!!" Unable to contain herself, his new wife asks in a fit of rage why he killed a perfectly good horse.

To that the husband replies, "That's once."
 
S

smileynev

Guest
Why does fly get his ass beat by every straight woman he meets?

^^^^
 

Fat Burger

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One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His walk was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night!" the mailman comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for a party and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing Who Am I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our privates showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times"
 

Fat Burger

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MEN vs. WOMEN

1. NAMES

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
 
S

smileynev

Guest
Fat Burger said:
12. OFFSPRING

Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

.
:lol:
 

Fat Burger

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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, the study found that if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is pre- menstrual or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.
 
S

smileynev

Guest
Fat Burger said:
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ, depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, the study found that if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is pre- menstrual or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.
How would she see his ass if all they were showing was his face?
 

Desslock

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A man takes his two sons to a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes to the table to take their order. She asks the oldest son what he would like for lunch.
"I'll have a goddamn cheeseburger." He replies cheerfully.
Before the waitress can say anything, the father smacks the boy on the mouth.
The waitress then asks the younger son what he would like to eat.
The boy thinks about it for a minute then says, "You can bet your sweet ass I ain't ordering a goddamn cheeseburger."
 
M

meyou

Guest
Fat Burger said:
I know, some of those were old, but some were new.
How exactly do you determine whether a joke is old or new? Do you have access to some joke publisher or are you basing it on whether or not you've heard it?