Understanding your life roles

elpmis said:
I find this post to be the most interesting by far in this thread. I think there's a ton of meaning behind you putting individual before wife - having to make it clear even in a post that you are your own person before you are your husband's wife, but not before your children. Essentially you care about your kids first, then yourself, then your husband. To me, personally, it seems very cold to your husband, whom which you wouldn't even have #1 if it were not for him. Did you think about how he would feel if he analyzed this at all? Did you give your post as much thought as I did?
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:egads: who IS this?

i know it's confusing and i don't think it's as clear-cut as it seems. and at times, i do think the numbers change places.
what i am meaning is that my children HAVE to come first. i chose, when deciding to get pregnant, that that was going to be the way it would be for many, many years.
i do feel like i have to take care of myself so i can be a better wife. i know he can survive without me, and he doesn't even really need me to take care of him. to be what i need to be for him means that i need to be able to take care of myself. i cannot be a husband's wife without there being something to put into "wife." it doesn't mean that i wouldn't put him before me, and i have plenty of times, but i guess i am thinking of this roles question as a very personal one. to anyone looking into my marriage from the outside, i am a wife. to myself looking at myself, i have to be an individual to be anything else (mother included, but i can't choose who comes first there.) i am looking at this question from a personal perspective.
does that make any more sense?

edit: and that bolded statement is extremely inaccurate. this roles thing has NOTHING to do with ranking how much i care for someone. please don't contort my post.
also, i really think, if spange were to analyze his roles, that he'd put the children first as well and rank being a father #1.
 
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Thorn Bird said:
:egads: who IS this?

i know it's confusing and i don't think it's as clear-cut as it seems. and at times, i do think the numbers change places.
what i am meaning is that my children HAVE to come first. i chose, when deciding to get pregnant, that that was going to be the way it would be for many, many years.
i do feel like i have to take care of myself so i can be a better wife. i know he can survive without me, and he doesn't even really need me to take care of him. to be what i need to be for him means that i need to be able to take care of myself. i cannot be a husband's wife without there being something to put into "wife." it doesn't mean that i wouldn't put him before me, and i have plenty of times, but i guess i am thinking of this roles question as a very personal one. to anyone looking into my marriage from the outside, i am a wife. to myself looking at myself, i have to be an individual to be anything else (mother included, but i can't choose who comes first there.) i am looking at this question from a personal perspective.
does that make any more sense?

edit: and that bolded statement is extremely inaccurate. this roles thing has NOTHING to do with ranking how much i care for someone. please don't contort my post.
also, i really think, if spange were to analyze his roles, that he'd put the children first as well and rank being a father #1.
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I wasn't contorting your post as in the literal sense that I purposely would do such a thing - you listed six items and declared that there was a "top five" implying a certain order to your listing - not to mention everyone else's posts had an ordered list... it seemed to just be the trend

regardless, your response cleared up any speculation. you sound like a very good person. but, you are very focused on the whole individualism thing. it always seemed to suck the fun out of things when one draws that concept out to exhaustion in their minds. I doubt I made any sense with that one, but I dunno, think about it - or not, you are an individual after all
 
you know, if you REALLY think about it, this whole thread is off kilter. you really have to be an individual first and foremost so you CAN be other roles. you have to know yourself and believe in yourself and understand yourself and nurture yourself so you know what you can give to others. i have to know my strengths and weaknesses to be a mother. i have to know how "daughter" looks on me to be one. and i sure have to be someone in order to be a wife.
i have been where i lost my sense of identity years ago, and it's very confusing and upsetting to the relationships in your life when you don't even remember who you are and what you are. you always have to take care of yourself so that yourself can take care and be with others.
i might even have to change my ranking to put myself first, because i really believe that. you cannot lose yourself when loving and caring for others.
 
Thorn Bird said:
you know, if you REALLY think about it, this whole thread is off kilter. you really have to be an individual first and foremost so you CAN be other roles. you have to know yourself and believe in yourself and understand yourself and nurture yourself so you know what you can give to others. i have to know my strengths and weaknesses to be a mother. i have to know how "daughter" looks on me to be one. and i sure have to be someone in order to be a wife.
i have been where i lost my sense of identity years ago, and it's very confusing and upsetting to the relationships in your life when you don't even remember who you are and what you are. you always have to take care of yourself so that yourself can take care and be with others.
i might even have to change my ranking to put myself first, because i really believe that. you cannot lose yourself when loving and caring for others.
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don't be so quick to buy into the whole role thing - if you know who you are, and i sense you do, it's really just you living your life. That's right, there's really only the thorn role
 
1. Work .. without work I could not function, outside of letting society take care of me and my child.
2. School .. without school I would not be able to take care of my child without the help of others (ie my parents)
3. My son .. without him I think I would cease to exist .. I hope I never have to find out if that's really the case (or if I just feel that way)
4. Mikey .. I feel the same way about him .. and I equally do not want to find out if that's the case (or if it's just how I feel)
5. Family .. they function with me or without me .. and me without them .. but I wouldn't want to not be around them permanently .. they've helped me through a lot of times .. like taking care of my son when I need them too .. and supporting me and some of the foolish decisions I've made.
6. Friends .. you can live with them .. and you can live without them .. but living without them sure does make life lonely/boring sometimes.
7. Myself .. sometimes, I just have to buy shoes.
 
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