[Contest] UF Xmas Giveaway Week 1: WINNER

plot said:
Wtf. Check again.

Mine was the one about Duke shoving a kindle fire up his ass to try to take pictures of his colon, only it gets stuck and then April slathers herself in some grease from a grease trap, drinks what's left, and goes in head first to retrieve it.

There some laughing, some crying, some bonding, fears are overcome, everyone grows and learns to accept themselves etc... Life long blah blah blahs...

It ends with everyone having a laxative addiction.
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omfg :lol:
 
APRIL said:
I picked @Duke's as winner because the writing style was seriously on point. Few typos, good delivery, suspense... it was a quality story. :hs: The rest were good too, better than I thought because most of you write like shit on the forum. :lol:
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This makes me happy to hear! Thanks!

I've been working on my form, and I guess it's starting to pay off. I needed to hear this as I'm starting to dive deep into my book and I wanted to be sure I wasn't wasting my time.
 
Duke said:
This makes me happy to hear! Thanks!

I've been working on my form, and I guess it's starting to pay off. I needed to hear this as I'm starting to dive deep into my book and I wanted to be sure I wasn't wasting my time.
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Sweet. Keep it up, douchebag. :D
 
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plot said:
Wtf. Check again.

Mine was the one about Duke shoving a kindle fire up his ass to try to take pictures of his colon, only it gets stuck and then April slathers herself in some grease from a grease trap, drinks what's left, and goes in head first to retrieve it.

There some laughing, some crying, some bonding, fears are overcome, everyone grows and learns to accept themselves etc... Life long blah blah blahs...

It ends with everyone having a laxative addiction.
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If you're serious, that's hilarious, but I didn't get it.
 
helenabear said:
I don't know why but when I got to that one I was like OMFG!!!!! :lol:

Sometimes the joke annoys me (for obvious reasons) but it was so unexpected that it just worked.
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I kinda want to write a whole anthology about your exploits as a shotgun wielding cybernetic time traveler killing aliens :nev:
 
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fly said:
I snuck quickly down to the basement. She would be back soon. There was a crash, and I froze. Just a damn cat – eww disgusting. I kicked the cat to the brick wall and sped up my pace. There he was - slightly sweaty and only partially clothed. Holy hotness!

See Helenabear was out with friends. I contacted her best friend and arranged for her to be out of the house for a few hours so I knew this was my only chance. He needed to be free – he needed to be mine.

I pulled out my blowtorch from my Michael Kors hobo and ran over to him. First I must have my way with him. He had no meaningful human contact for years – and he was about to be mine! The lights were out in the basement so he had no idea who I was. He called out weakly “Helenabear, is that you?”

Just then my iPhone6 went off – it was that annoying bastard CEO trying to find out where I was. I do not get why he never trusts me. I quickly texted him back and silenced my phone.

I ran over to him and began to kiss Coqui. He struggled, he knew I wasn’t Helenabear. He cried out “STOP!” and attempted to push me away. He didn’t want me. How could he pick that bitch over me? The woman who would drive most men to suicide and he wanted her? I could not believe it.

I tuned a light on and looked him dead in the eye. I asked “Why Fabio? Why that self-centered, fake bitch? What does she have that I don’t?”

He opened his mouth to speak with a smirk on his face “She swallows.”

I was confused and crushed. Crying I said “But she has said time after time that she doesn’t swallow. That she hates it and refuses to do anything like that. She treats you horribly. Just look at these chains. We know you hate them and how she is the worst woman in the world."

Coqui looked me dead in the eye, laughing, “Damn woman, you are so gullible. Didn't you learn anything from being on the useless forums? Don’t believe everything you read on the internet. You should never take it that seriously.”

I was bawling at this point. Then behind me a heard a door open. Shit… I heard her heels across the floor above me. She was on the phone and had it on speakerphone – I could hear her talking to a man. The voice sounded familiar, especially the laugh. In the shadows I saw a baseball bat being swung. Everything went dark.

I woke up on a plane going to Las Vegas with CEO. He wanted to marry me. I was going to say no but he was so insistent that I should be with him. I eventually relented, as long as there was no prenup which he agreed to, and he was overjoyed and began laughing. That laugh!!! Then I knew – I was trapped in hell and there was no way out.

I put on a brave face and only if you look deep into my eyes, will you see the emptiness and sadness. Well that and the botox I just got doesn’t allow me to show any emotions on my face.

Maybe someday I can run free, but for now, like Coqui, I wear my own chains. However, unike Coqui, no one can ever see my chains and unlike Coqui I… Oh what the hell am I talking about? Diamonds, phones, cars, trips, money?? What girl wouldn’t want that? I’ve got it made bitches!!!!
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Omg
This was my fave
 
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