- UF Joke Thread -

fly

Osharts 11
Oct 1, 2004
71,389
23,180
1,073
Steam
mattressfish
What's funnier than a dead baby in a clown dress next to a kid with downs syndrome?

Hmmmmm... I dunno either.
 

APRIL

Feel Free to Pee on Me
Sep 30, 2004
103,114
37,793
1,823
Houston
Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.
 

APRIL

Feel Free to Pee on Me
Sep 30, 2004
103,114
37,793
1,823
Houston
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
 

fly

Osharts 11
Oct 1, 2004
71,389
23,180
1,073
Steam
mattressfish
baby.jpg
 

APRIL

Feel Free to Pee on Me
Sep 30, 2004
103,114
37,793
1,823
Houston
Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.
 

APRIL

Feel Free to Pee on Me
Sep 30, 2004
103,114
37,793
1,823
Houston
Son asks his dad about the difference between theory and practice.
Dad tells him to ask his mother whether she would fuck a guy for $100,000. She asks her and she says "yes".
He tells that to his dad and he tells him to ask his three sisters the same thing. He does, and they all say yes.
He comes back to his dad, and he tells him "son, theoretically we have $400,000, but practically we have four whores in the house."
 

Desslock

Giant Member
Oct 14, 2004
3,047
1
482
52
MD
My dog is so lazy. He doesn't chase cars, he sits on the corner writing down license plate numbers.
 

Desslock

Giant Member
Oct 14, 2004
3,047
1
482
52
MD
My wife is so fat when she stands on the corner a policeman tells her to break it up.

After sex, I roll over twice and I'm still on top of her.
 

Coqui

Piccolo Pete
Oct 14, 2004
35,593
4,667
673
43
Columbus, OH
Desslock said:
My wife is so fat when she stands on the corner a policeman tells her to break it up.

After sex, I roll over twice and I'm still on top of her.


Every time she backs up, she goes *beep* *beep* *beep*
 
G

Grunt

Guest
I'm sure you've all heard it but I love this joke :)

Two guys are talking and one guy says, "You know, I'm got to see a doctor about my sore elbow." The other guy answers, "You don't have to. There's a new machine at the drugstore now. All you have to do is piss in a bottle, pour it in the machine and the machine will tell you what's wrong with you!"
So the first guy runs down to the drugstore, finds the machine, pisses in a bottle, pours it in the machine and two minutes later a piece of paper comes out reading, "You have Tennis elbow, rest it for two weeks and it will heel."
At first he is just totally amazed, but by the time he gets home he is a bit intimidated by the technology and decides that he wants to fool the machine. He goes to the backyard. gets some dog shit and puts it in a bottle. Next he gets his wife and then his daughter to piss in this bottle. Finally he jerks off in the bottle.
He shakes the bottle up and rushes back to the drugstore. He gets to the machine and pours it into the machine. About ten minutes later a slip of paper comes out of the machine reading, "Your dog has worms. Send him to the vet. Your daughter has a cocaine problem. Send her to rehab. Your wife is pregnant, with twins. They are not yours. Get a lawyer.
And for God's sake man, stop jerking off or your tennis elbow will never heal!"
 
S

SwedishChef

Guest
* What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby in a clown costume!

* What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby sitting next to a kid with down syndrome.

* How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
The dog plays with it more.

* What's more fun than feeling up a dead baby?
Feeling up a dead baby with three nipples

* How do you make a dead baby float?
Take your foot off of it's head.

* What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

* Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
Because they're hand made.

* What's brown and gurgles?
A baby in a casserole.

* What's blue and flies around the room at high speeds?
A baby with a punctured lung.

* What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs in the middle of the ocean?
Fucked.

* How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles ?
Nail its other hand to the floor.

* What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.
 
S

SwedishChef

Guest
how do you get a baby in a bowl?

blender

how do you get a baby out of a bowl?

nacho chips.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends how hard you throw them.

how do you catch a baby falling from a 5 story building....

with a pitchfork

What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

I don't come all over an apple before I eat it.

What's the difference between a baby and a slice of pizza?

Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

Whats the difference between a baby and a fridge?

A fridge dosnt scream when you put your meat in it

How do you make a dead baby float?

Add two scoops of ice cream.

What's worse than a hundred dead babies in a hundred trash cans?

One dead baby in a hundred trash cans.

What do you get when you nail a baby to the wall?

an erection
 

Coqui

Piccolo Pete
Oct 14, 2004
35,593
4,667
673
43
Columbus, OH
Grunt said:
I'm sure you've all heard it but I love this joke :)

Two guys are talking and one guy says, "You know, I'm got to see a doctor about my sore elbow." The other guy answers, "You don't have to. There's a new machine at the drugstore now. All you have to do is piss in a bottle, pour it in the machine and the machine will tell you what's wrong with you!"
So the first guy runs down to the drugstore, finds the machine, pisses in a bottle, pours it in the machine and two minutes later a piece of paper comes out reading, "You have Tennis elbow, rest it for two weeks and it will heel."
At first he is just totally amazed, but by the time he gets home he is a bit intimidated by the technology and decides that he wants to fool the machine. He goes to the backyard. gets some dog shit and puts it in a bottle. Next he gets his wife and then his daughter to piss in this bottle. Finally he jerks off in the bottle.
He shakes the bottle up and rushes back to the drugstore. He gets to the machine and pours it into the machine. About ten minutes later a slip of paper comes out of the machine reading, "Your dog has worms. Send him to the vet. Your daughter has a cocaine problem. Send her to rehab. Your wife is pregnant, with twins. They are not yours. Get a lawyer.
And for God's sake man, stop jerking off or your tennis elbow will never heal!"


Yep. Heard it before but it's damn funny
 
G

Grunt

Guest
Mark was walking down the street and he bumped into an old buddy, Steve. Mark asks Steve what he's been up to.
"I'm going to university," says Steve.
"Oh, really. What are you taking?" asks Mark.
"Philosophy," he says.
"What kind of philosophy?"
"Logic, actually," says Steve.
"What's logic?" asks Mark.
"Well, it's kind of like this -- have you got a fishbowl, Mark?"
"Yeah, I do as a matter of fact."
"Well, if you've got a fish bowl, you probably like fish, don't you."
"Yeah, I do." "And if you like fish, chances are you probably like animals, right?"
"Yeah, I love animals."
"Well, if you love animals, I'd say there was a probability that you like people as well."
"Yeah, I do. I like people."
"And if you like people, I'll bet you like women."
"That's for sure!"
"And, Mark, if you like women I'd be willing to bet that you like sex."
"Geez, Steve, I love sex."
"Well that's the way it works, Mark -- that's logic."
"Wow, that's great," says Mark.

At the end of their conversation, Steve had to run and Mark continued on his way down Richmond Street, only to bump into another friend, Paul. They get talking and Mark tells Paul he ran into Steve only minutes earlier.
"Oh, really. What's he up to these days?" asks Paul.
"He's at university," says Mark.
"What's he taking?" asks Paul.
"Logic," says Mark. "What's logic?" asks Paul.
"Well, let me see -- it's sort of like this, Paul: Have you got a fish bowl?"
"No, I haven't, Mark."
"What are you, some kind of fag?" says Mark indignantly.
 
J

jaxxor

Guest
what's the best part about sex with twentyeight year olds?


there's twenty of them.



how are broccoli and buttseks alike?

if you're forced to have it as a child, you'll hate it as an adult.