Time for more bad jokes...

HydroSqueegee

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Nov 15, 2004
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Damn Tree Huggers


While walking through the Boulder Colorado woods a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy, slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "Man, this just ain't gonna be your day..."
 
:lol:



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she."
 
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."
 
George W. Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted (courtesy of the American Taxpayer, of course).

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland." George W. says, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

George .W. says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheel chair w/a built in tv & stereo/headset!" Bush is a little perplexed (by everything, actually) by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my everyone finds out I saved you from drowning!!!"
 
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again.

You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
 
fly said:
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again.

You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
:lol:
 
Did I post this yet??? I dont know if I did cause it didnt need its own thread...

MORONS OF 2005

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John
Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He
received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
who's lacking intelligence.


2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland CA spent two
hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside
his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered
that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting,
"Please come out and give yourself up!"


3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw
money from his own bank accounts.


4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka KS Kwik Stop and asked for
all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a
robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not
what I said!"


6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My
wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart."
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted,
"This is her husband!"


7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto CA, Steven Richard
King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch
without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun!
Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in is pocket. (Hellooooooo!)


8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer down on Lake Isabella, located in
the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA, some folks new to
boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they
couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish
in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After
about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby
marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was
wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and
the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina
guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on
water, he was laughing so hard.

(NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.)
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place... was the trailer!
 
dumb facts that someone made somewhat funny(i like it)...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)




If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)




The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)





A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)






A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)





The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")






The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)






The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)





Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)





Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)





The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)





Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)





Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing)





A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)





An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)




Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)




Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)





Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
 
PR Representatives for the Nestle company announced this week that they will be adding a new candy bar to their lineup, the "Daddy Ruth". Experts say that the new candy bar will be functionally similar to the existing "Baby Ruth", but with bigger nuts.
 
BeeRad said:
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)


And Bonobos. However, we haven't identified all species yet, and we still don't know the mating habits of many of the ones that we have. Thus this statement is misleading.

Also note that the definition of "sex for pleasure" specifically excludes homosexual and masturbatory activity, since neither of those categories involves male-female pairings.
 
Sexual intercourse plays a major role in Bonobo society, being used as a greeting, a means of conflict resolution and post-conflict reconciliation, and as favors traded by the females in exchange for food. Bonobos are the only non-human apes to have been observed engaging in all of the following sexual activities: face-to-face genital sex (most frequently female-female, then male-female and male-male), tongue kissing, and oral sex. However anal sex has not been observed.

... sorry Fly, no anal.
 
I wonder if they Strawberry Shortcake? That would be sweet to see a monkey cum on another monkey's face and then punch them in the nose.