Thursday Joke Thread
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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
The story goes that there was this Asian lady married to a American. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but some how managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She did not know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, she lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she did not know that to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.
And.....
HEY! her husband can speak English.
What were YOU thinking?
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She did not know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, she lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she did not know that to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.
And.....
HEY! her husband can speak English.
What were YOU thinking?
There were three pieces of rope wandering in the desert. They were very hot and thirsty. They came upon a bar and one went in. He asked for a drink and the bartender said, 'read the sign buddy we don't serve ropes.'
'Oh come on just this once', the rope asked again. The bartender said 'nope', so the rope left. The second rope figured he was a bit better looking and maybe the bartender would soften a little and let him have a drink. He went in and asked for a drink, the bartender shook his head and said 'Hey Buddy, it's just like I told your friend we don't serve ropes here.' Dejected the rope left the bar.
The 3rd rope heard both of their stories, thought for a moment. Then he rolled himself into a knot and fluffed the edges so it was a little frayed. The third rope went into the bar like this and asked for a drink.
The bartender asked, 'Hey are you a rope?' The 3rd rope looked down at himself and said 'Nope, I am a frayed knot!'
'Oh come on just this once', the rope asked again. The bartender said 'nope', so the rope left. The second rope figured he was a bit better looking and maybe the bartender would soften a little and let him have a drink. He went in and asked for a drink, the bartender shook his head and said 'Hey Buddy, it's just like I told your friend we don't serve ropes here.' Dejected the rope left the bar.
The 3rd rope heard both of their stories, thought for a moment. Then he rolled himself into a knot and fluffed the edges so it was a little frayed. The third rope went into the bar like this and asked for a drink.
The bartender asked, 'Hey are you a rope?' The 3rd rope looked down at himself and said 'Nope, I am a frayed knot!'
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."
Syrup Beaver
pants log
Weapons of Mass Destruction
Hey, we're moving at the end of the month. I know you have experience. Can you help us? thxinline4 said:but..
an octopus doesnt have lips..