CONTEST SUBMISSION (I hate all of you)
Richard had been brought up hard. An alcoholic father and trick-turning mother had left little opportunity for nurturing in Richard's family. One of five piglets Richard was smack-dab in the middle, and became largely invisible to his parents as a result. His mother just laid around the mound all day, when she wasn't out getting "airtighted" by the other males at the local watering hole, and his father would just as soon gore him as look at him. His childhood was spent fighting with his siblings for teet time. Luckily, Richard was no slouch in size or aggression, and always managed to get his fill. As a youth he worked his strong body with routine exercise. He was soon bigger and stronger than any of his brothers or sisters, his father took note of this and made it a regular occurrence to declare his perceived dominance, embarrassing him in front of family and friends. Richard kept his mouth shut, but vowed revenge.
He left the mound early at 20 months and struck out on his own. While the other boar were wasting time digging and wandering around the forest Richard bettered himself. He got a job as an apprentice stock broker and start making money quickly. At first he bettered himself with his new found influx of cash. He earned two degrees, one in finance the other in Karate, graduating with honors. He had a snout for finding stocks that would pay off and stacked papers better than most veterans twice his age. His fame and fortune grew exponentially over his first year in the biz, but with that new glory came exotic tastes, one which would control his life: acorns.
He got his first taste of "the brown nut" at a party that his flavor of the month female had invited him to. They were passing around a silver platter of fresh off the branch 100% pure acorns, and Richard didn't want to look like a bitch when the plate fell to him. When that first taste of Earthy, nutty goodness hit his mouth he knew he'd never shake it again. Acorns soon controlled his life. Even with his extravagant wealth he found his doing bad, even vile things to get his snout into more. Selling his clothes, robbery, even blowing another dude in the bathroom, it didn't matter as long as the nuts kept falling in his mouth.
For 3 months he lived in a Quercus-induced haze. His stock picks, which were at first bulletproof, became hit and miss, then just downright silly. He put $250k down on BP Oil 2 hours after the announcement of the Gulf Oil disaster. He followed that up with a terrible choice to back burned pancake insurance, a blunder that would cost him $6 million. His life was in a spiral but he didn't care, he still had a bushel of acorns stashed away and $500k in a Jamaican account. When the FTC came knocking he decided to bail, "Fuck them", he thought and tore out of the back of his 10sqft mound and into the underbrush. He lived in relative luxury until the money and the nuts ran out, then so did the women, and the people he called friends.
Richard stumbled blindly from place to place for months. No direction, no love, no acorns. He thought about giving up and walking into a gun range on ladies night, his hope lost. One night he settled himself up against the side of a house to sleep, only to be poked by a stick 10 minutes later. Weak and beyond caring, he did nothing but look up at his assailant, a pale skinned, high-pitched whiny voiced white girl named April stared back. "Whatsamatter lil guy?" she said, her voice grating against his ears. "Fly, c'mere" she shouted again, her screech like razor blades being dragged against Richard's ear drums. Before he passed out the last thing Richard remembered was a man saying something like "Hmm, maybe we should fuck it."
Richard awoke two weeks later in a comfortable bed in a clean room. His clothes had been cleaned and mended by skilled hands, and his hair was smooth, silky, and smelled of Pantene Pro-V. The door opened and a tall man with a goatee and an apron which read "Queen of the castle" sauntered in, carrying tea and scrumpets. He explained that he and April had brought him in and had taken care of him. They'd only attempted to have sex with him once but couldn't figure out how beyond pleasuring themselves with his tusks. The man then offered him free room and board in exchange for a job as mascot and model of his personally owned web forum, and also occasionally use of Richard's tusks. Richard agreed, immediately liking the man's effeminate manor and good hygiene. The man, who introduced himself as Fly, then directed Richard to put on a French Maid outfit and went to grab his camera.
