The Dating Lighthouse: Addendum

DirkPhoenix

Flaccid Member
Sep 30, 2004
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Austin, Land of pot and...pot
www.jesustomars.com
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In early times, people set fires at the edge of the water to warn boats of dangerous rocks and shores. In modern times, I will write stories at the edge of insanity to warn people of dangerous bitches and whores.

Apparently, the Fort Worth Police Department uses Windows XP in their cruisers.

How do I know this? Some wonderful job opportunity? A chance encounter with a friendly officer, eager to show off his tech savvy? An episode of Cops? Silly reader. I found this out while handcuffed in the back of a squad car, after my upstairs neighbor thought I was holding my gun to a woman’s head. Perhaps some back story is in order.

A mutual friend of both Diana and I was going away to France for work, and, being the lovable tramp that I am, I decided to forgo my desires to eliminate all contact with said spawn of the devil to wish our friend farewell. After what was a fairly amiable time at Pete’s Dueling Piano bar, I return from the outing, fresh from a fight with Diana. I believe the fight was instigated during the calls from an old female friend of mine and her new boy-friend. (Editor’s Note: they hyphen was added as empasis in order to let the reader know that while she is not technically dating said person, she still spends 4 nights a week with him. And it’s exclusive. And they’re still fucking.) It was after this then that I received a call from her, informing me that she was walking over to “talk”. Now, we’ve already established in previous episodes my lack of common sense when it comes to crazy. I now submit to you, through this narration, that I too am crazy. Bat shit crazy. Brick shithouse crazy. Crazy C. McCrazyton from CompletelyFuckingLoonyville, Kentucky.

After opening the door, I was met with a slap. Fast forward 50 minutes, many more slaps, some choice words from me and even more from her, many screaming demands for her to leave, a broken door, broken glasses, DVDs, and what I can only describe as female hari-kari with a broken Carlos Mencia CD, the upstairs neighbor had enough fun times, and informed the police that a fight was occurring. During a quiet moment in the fight, I receive a knock at my door from Fort Worth’s finest. Explaining that the myriad scratches on my face and the multiple bite marks on my arm were from nothing more than a former lover’s quarrel, I was placed in handcuffs. Let me tell you, they are not as comfortable as some felons would have you believe. Actually, they kind of chafe.

When the second and third police officers arrived, I explained that during the fight, she had gone for my lovable Glock 17, which I wrestled from her, removed the magazine, and threw it into the closet. The marks on her wrist and stomach were from the pressed silicon of Honduras’ Finest Racial Comedian, and after a quick rundown of the past four years, I was led into a squad car. It was then that I saw the screen: none other than Windows XP showing the call from my neighbor, informing me that I may or may not be holding a gun to a woman’s head and refusing to let her leave. Sweet. I was half hoping for Ashton Kutcher to jump out to inform me that, despite my uncelebrity, I had indeed been “punk’d”. After an hour of on-and-off discussion with the dapper sergeant that occupied the front seat, I was met with a nice response and a question. “Sir, you have committed no crime, and we are not holding you for any reason. Tell me, do you think that she is a danger to herself?” “No,” I replied, “just to various pieces of storage media.”

So, as she is led away in a squad car to be taken to the JPS Psych Ward for observation, I could not help but wax nostalgic on the past hour and a half. I had a story for the ages, one destined to be told, copied, and repeated to all who know of my saga. And although no police report would be filed, I can always look at the marks on my face as proof positive that the Fort Worth Police Department uses Windows XP in their cruisers.

That, and I’m an idiot that shouldn’t answer the door.
 
My goodness Dirk. You have had a time of it, that is for sure. I hope, that it gets better and you get her out of your life, forever and for good.
 
We saw a cruiser sitting outside of iHop one time and my buddy stopped and looked at the computer, and called me over. I didn't notice the operating system, but there was an IRC chat type thing up on it with cops talking to each other... good stuff. Had messages like "I just pulled over this skanky slut" and "I hope I make some girl cry to get out of a speeding ticket tonight" on it. The cop who'se cruiser it was, was inside hitting on the 45year old foreign hostess. She was looking for a husband/sugar daddy so I'm sure she was fine with it.
 
wow, that's fucked up...hope you're ok dude
I've been through some similar stuff before and you have my sympathies
 
We saw a cruiser sitting outside of iHop one time and my buddy stopped and looked at the computer, and called me over. I didn't notice the operating system, but there was an IRC chat type thing up on it with cops talking to each other... good stuff. Had messages like "I just pulled over this skanky slut" and "I hope I make some girl cry to get out of a speeding ticket tonight" on it. The cop who'se cruiser it was, was inside hitting on the 45year old foreign hostess. She was looking for a husband/sugar daddy so I'm sure she was fine with it.
That is awesome.