so when do you let go?

April23 said:
What does a black college have to do with anything?
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Because going to that school was a way of getting back to her "roots". She quit wearing a weave because that was hiding her true beauty. She started wearing her hair wrapped up in african print fabric, etc.
Mind you she grew up in an upper middle class family.
 
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HifiGirly said:
Because going to that school was a way of getting back to her "roots". She quit wearing a weave because that was hiding her true beauty. She started wearing her hair wrapped up in african print fabric, etc.
Mind you she grew up in an upper middle class family.
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in the "burbs" no less.
 
I just started talking to one of my close friends again after most of this year has gone by without talking. Shawn made us make up and I am happy he put the effort in where we both weren't going to.

My longest friend and closest over the years is my buddy Dave and nothing can come between our friendship, its weird. We can do some pretty messed up shit to each other but it never makes us mad cause its us. I think I still owe him 400 bucks from 5 years ago but he owes me about 300 bottles of liquor and 10k in gas, lol.
 
FlamingGlory said:
All of life is a conflict. There are conflicts of personal interest with clear winners and losers.

She is clearly emotionally involved or it wouldnt bother her enough to even warrant mention. The only time to seek out a result as you described is when you are completely free of any encumberance on your emotions.
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So what negatives do you see arising from her situation? They used to be friends and now she is asking if they still can be after a lull in the relationship. If it's a huge conflict, what do you foresee happening?
 
I think that having a disagreement is a terrible reason to end a friendship unless it's over something really serious. If it was someone that was previously really important to you, then it might be worth it to talk it out. Sometimes people grow apart though and the things you had in common that make you friends are no longer there. For a 15 year friendship though, if you are ready to give it up, it always helps me to "break up" with the friend so there is some closure. Otherwise it always feels like there is some unfinished business out there and I don't like loose ends if i can help it.
 
Sarcasmo said:
So what negatives do you see arising from her situation? They used to be friends and now she is asking if they still can be after a lull in the relationship. If it's a huge conflict, what do you foresee happening?
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She asked specifically when does one let go. Not whether or not they can be friends after a lull. Something happened, whatever was described in that whole first paragraph, then no speaky, then the question of when to let go. That is the contributing factor and conflict that gave rise to your so called lull.

The lull is a thing people do when they arent dure what to do but the fact she even wonders about it means that it's still 'a thing'. The fact the other person hasnt stepped forward also means there is still 'a thing'. I'm saying that the fact both parties have unresolved issues (conflict) gives the point that neither one has won. Forgiving/Admission of guilt by one party or the other would be a clear win/lose scenerio for the respective sides. It is this person's opinion that if there were no conflict both parties would have continued on immediately as if nothing had happened.
 
Thorn Bird said:
don't know if some of you remember, but this summer spange and i had a horrific experience with a mortgage broker who was the husband of a friend. deal went sour, he was a jerk, we have not had any contact with him or my friend since.

mom tells me today that she ran into my friend and they spoke for a few minutes about the failing health of her grandparents. i just sent off an email expressing concern and regrets about the grandparents, no more, no less. i'm not betting she'll write me back.

so when do you let go of a friendship? i've never done this before with a "friend." do you let go of 15 years of friendship without even presenting sides from the argument? do you pretend it never happened? do you let years go by and then one day pick up the phone and say, "long time, missed you"?

don't quite know what to do here. i'm bummed about the entire thing, but i'm standing my ground too. i also know there's no right or wrong answer here. i'm just looking for some experiences and/or advice you might have for this type of situation, as i am confused and a bit hurt.
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You're hurt because you're a good person and the relationship you had with your friend is special to you. These kinds of situations really suck, because no matter how kind or cool a person can be there’s no telling what kind of person they will fall in love with and ultimately marry. In your case your friend married a complete asshole, and since there’s also no saying in how controlling he is over her for all you know he could have manipulated his wife in to thinking you guys are the assholes. Not wanting to get in between the relationship of anyone, I tend to just let them go, and yes it’s horrible, but your friendship was with the person they were before the marriage, or at least before you realized the kind of person they married – and now the person that was once your friend has changed and so has your relationship. Blame it on her asshole husband all you want, she picked him and thus it’s time to say goodbye.

Worst advice ever? It’s possible. But unless that guy apologizes to you and your husband life is too short worrying over issues that will never get fixed and will never be the same.
 
FlamingGlory said:
She asked specifically when does one let go. Not whether or not they can be friends after a lull. Something happened, whatever was described in that whole first paragraph, then no speaky, then the question of when to let go. That is the contributing factor and conflict that gave rise to your so called lull.

The lull is a thing people do when they arent dure what to do but the fact she even wonders about it means that it's still 'a thing'. The fact the other person hasnt stepped forward also means there is still 'a thing'. I'm saying that the fact both parties have unresolved issues (conflict) gives the point that neither one has won. Forgiving/Admission of guilt by one party or the other would be a clear win/lose scenerio for the respective sides. It is this person's opinion that if there were no conflict both parties would have continued on immediately as if nothing had happened.
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Congratulations Lieutenant Obvious, you've just been promoted to Captain! :fly:

I wasn't talking about the scenario you dutifully retyped above, I was talking about her comments regarding emailing and communicating and wondering whether they could get past the "thing" in their past. Your attitude was "burn that bridge down" and mine was "meh, if you feel like talking, talk." I don't care what happened in their past, and neither should they. The past, by definition, is gone. So at this point there would be no point in deliberately maintaining the "lull" that Thorn was questioning whether they could overcome. So give it a shot. If it works then great, and if not then great. It's a win/win scenario, which is in line with your belief in omnipresent conflict. :fly:
 
Sarcasmo said:
Congratulations Lieutenant Obvious, you've just been promoted to Captain! :fly:

I wasn't talking about the scenario you dutifully retyped above, I was talking about her comments regarding emailing and communicating and wondering whether they could get past the "thing" in their past. Your attitude was "burn that bridge down" and mine was "meh, if you feel like talking, talk." I don't care what happened in their past, and neither should they. The past, by definition, is gone. So at this point there would be no point in deliberately maintaining the "lull" that Thorn was questioning whether they could overcome. So give it a shot. If it works then great, and if not then great. It's a win/win scenario, which is in line with your belief in omnipresent conflict. :fly:
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I win!

;)
 
elpmis said:
You're hurt because you're a good person and the relationship you had with your friend is special to you. These kinds of situations really suck, because no matter how kind or cool a person can be there’s no telling what kind of person they will fall in love with and ultimately marry. In your case your friend married a complete asshole, and since there’s also no saying in how controlling he is over her for all you know he could have manipulated his wife in to thinking you guys are the assholes. Not wanting to get in between the relationship of anyone, I tend to just let them go, and yes it’s horrible, but your friendship was with the person they were before the marriage, or at least before you realized the kind of person they married – and now the person that was once your friend has changed and so has your relationship. Blame it on her asshole husband all you want, she picked him and thus it’s time to say goodbye.

Worst advice ever? It’s possible. But unless that guy apologizes to you and your husband life is too short worrying over issues that will never get fixed and will never be the same.
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this was very well said, a good perspective, and i thank you. it's very good advice, actually. :heart:
 
Sarcasmo said:
I think we both win, since there was no conflict between our posts.
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Well technically, you rephrased your statement to bring it in line with my belief in conflict. I never cared whether or not you kept your initial belief but whether or not you accepted mine as a valid win. My statements are a picture of hardline belief structure. You comprimised in the fact that you restated either scenerio as a win whether or not that's true is irrelevant.

If only I had more time, I could make wheels within wheels arguments.

:heart:
 
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