so when do you let go?

T

Thorn Bird

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May 24, 2005
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don't know if some of you remember, but this summer spange and i had a horrific experience with a mortgage broker who was the husband of a friend. deal went sour, he was a jerk, we have not had any contact with him or my friend since.

mom tells me today that she ran into my friend and they spoke for a few minutes about the failing health of her grandparents. i just sent off an email expressing concern and regrets about the grandparents, no more, no less. i'm not betting she'll write me back.

so when do you let go of a friendship? i've never done this before with a "friend." do you let go of 15 years of friendship without even presenting sides from the argument? do you pretend it never happened? do you let years go by and then one day pick up the phone and say, "long time, missed you"?

don't quite know what to do here. i'm bummed about the entire thing, but i'm standing my ground too. i also know there's no right or wrong answer here. i'm just looking for some experiences and/or advice you might have for this type of situation, as i am confused and a bit hurt.
 
FlamingGlory said:
I burn bridges like mad.

People either are there or they arent.
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this makes sense to an extent, but this girl and i have had that closer/distant thing. sometimes we were on the ball with each other, sometimes a year or two would go by without a word. true friendships are where you don't have to keep up for a year, but when you pick up the phone, it's right where you left it. that was the way we were. it's a way i am with several in my life. life is like that. so i can't really know based on your last statement.
 
They just tend to end for me. Not that they ended because something went down but just that you end up going months or years without hearing from them. I've never been the type to call up someone to see how they are doing, so unless I run into you or you contact me then it just fades away. I really dont know why but it often just dosn't occur to me to see others out at all. I guess its a byproduct of not having a bunch of friends.
 
I think that if you have the type of friendship you have described, you should be able to call her up and tell her everything you have told us here.

Do it just like you posted it here also. State the facts, explain how you feel....using lots of "I feel" statements and then see what she says.

I think, it would be worth it, just to see if you can salvage the long friendship you have had.
 
I try to never burn bridges. It's pointless, mostly, and tends to reflect a mindset rooted only in the present. In my experience when people drift back into your life after a prolonged absence they can, after the reintroduction, bring a lot of depth and meaning to yours. You never know. In my opinion you can only gain from it.

Worst case scenario is that you remain silent, and nothing changes. Which doesn't sound so bad to me. And no one ever said you have to do business with them again.
 
Sarcasmo said:
I try to never burn bridges. It's pointless, mostly, and tends to reflect a mindset rooted only in the present. In my experience when people drift back into your life after a prolonged absence they can, after the reintroduction, bring a lot of depth and meaning to yours. You never know. In my opinion you can only gain from it.
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This isnt in relation to the original thread so much. I just want to argue with Sarcasmo.

Hanging on to people is a mindset rooted in denile. Things change. Chances are whatever you thought about someone is/was an illusion. Burning bridges mercilessly, even before you know what the direct consequences will be is an absolute defense. If you didnt do anything wrong then it's obvious who is in the wrong. You arent going to change anyone. Not giving them a chance to get back at you is just the last straw in something that is already over whether you want it to be or not.
 
FlamingGlory said:
This isnt in relation to the original thread so much. I just want to argue with Sarcasmo.

Hanging on to people is a mindset rooted in denile. Things change. Chances are whatever you thought about someone is/was an illusion. Burning bridges mercilessly, even before you know what the direct consequences will be is an absolute defense. If you didnt do anything wrong then it's obvious who is in the wrong. You arent going to change anyone. Not giving them a chance to get back at you is just the last straw in something that is already over whether you want it to be or not.
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denial

:p
 
FlamingGlory said:
This isnt in relation to the original thread so much. I just want to argue with Sarcasmo.

Hanging on to people is a mindset rooted in denile. Things change. Chances are whatever you thought about someone is/was an illusion. Burning bridges mercilessly, even before you know what the direct consequences will be is an absolute defense. If you didnt do anything wrong then it's obvious who is in the wrong. You arent going to change anyone. Not giving them a chance to get back at you is just the last straw in something that is already over whether you want it to be or not.
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All of life is a conflict to you. There is no right or wrong, no offense or defense, no comrade or enemy. Talking to a person and seeking (even if not finding) whatever friendship used to be present has no downside. Like I said, the worst that can happen is she doesn't find it and those communication channels remain silent.
 
I had a few friends in high school that I always thought I would be close friends with and we would hang out and have kids together and they would be friends. I see one of them every 5-6 months or so. The rest we just kind of stopped talking. I'm not sure if we even have anything in common anymore.
 
Dream said:
I think that if you have the type of friendship you have described, you should be able to call her up and tell her everything you have told us here.

Do it just like you posted it here also. State the facts, explain how you feel....using lots of "I feel" statements and then see what she says.

I think, it would be worth it, just to see if you can salvage the long friendship you have had.
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I personally don't think she was that great of a friend. I don't think much has been lost other than a free place to stay in the N. Georgia mountains.
 
I had the same best friend from the time I was in elementary school until after high school. A few months before Brian and I got together she move to FL to attend an all black college and thats when we started to drift apart. When Bri and I got together we drifted even further apart. She was ready to party and what not and I was ready to completely settle down, I was totally over the partying. About a year after Brian and I were together she and I were on the phone one night and I mentioned Bri's mom was really sick and there had been a death in his family. And she was like you know I really don't care, I don't want to hear about him or his family and that was pretty much the breaking point. She had been doing some things I found really questionable and that basically was the last nail in the coffin. We didn't speak for probably another 6 or 8 months. When I got married I let her know and she congratulated me. We speak very seldomly and now she is living in DC. Speaking now seems more or less like a formality and we say we should get together when she is in town, but it never happens.
 
Sarcasmo said:
All of life is a conflict to you. There is no right or wrong, no offense or defense, no comrade or enemy. Talking to a person and seeking (even if not finding) whatever friendship used to be present has no downside. Like I said, the worst that can happen is she doesn't find it and those communication channels remain silent.
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All of life is a conflict. There are conflicts of personal interest with clear winners and losers.

She is clearly emotionally involved or it wouldnt bother her enough to even warrant mention. The only time to seek out a result as you described is when you are completely free of any encumberance on your emotions.
 
it takes me a while...more with the women than the men. I still want to chat with my ex even though I know she cheated on me. right now I only have 2 friends left.
 
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