So I took a trip to Minnesota...

theacoustician

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Sep 30, 2004
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After all the tension in the forum lately, smileynev invited me up to Minnesota
to bury the hatchet. Since I had never been to a 3rd world nation before, I
thought, what the hell. At least maybe I could sell my vacation photos to
National Geographic and buy something sweet with the fat bank. Here's my
photo-diary submission to them.

Saturday morning. I touch down in beautiful Minnesota.


um ... yeah

So nev picks me up at the airport which was little more than an igloo and a
dirt field. He gives me a big bear hug and says he's soooooooo happy I
could finally make it up to see him. I swear to God he was caressing my ass
while he said this, but I was a little distracted by the sickly cloying scent of
rancid Mountain Dew. So the awkward moment passes, we get into his truck
and drive off. The whole time we listen to crap like Britney Spears and Usher
and I consider throwing myself from the cab. Nev is just jamming out and
eating what I thought was marshmellows until ...


"Hey man, you hungry?"

And pushed a bag towards me that smells like the dumpster behind Red
Lobster. On it, is printed in big letters "Seal Blubber Cubes" with a picture of
a cartoon seal smiling.

"Uh, I'll pass"

"What the hell, you have to be hungry. Let's stop and get you some food. I
know this place that's one of those classy fru-fru joints. You'll probably like it."

This is where we stop :


I grab a Sobe while Nev eats all the sausage like products at the food
counter. He grabs a bag of Funions and a gallon of Mountain Dew for the road.
20 minutes later, we arrive at his house :



I snap some pics of the neighborhood because I knew no one back home
would ever believe this shit :


Here's his back yard :



Notice the carabou carcass? That was a pet that Nev's woman bought for
their kid to ride to school on. When I ask him what the hell happened to it he
explodes in a torrent of rage.

"I swear to fucking God I did not eat that motherfucker. Anyone who says
different, I'll beat *wheeze* their mother *wheeze* fucker *wheeze* *gasp*"

At this point he's all sweaty and red as a tomato so I let it drop. We head on
in to the Nev household. They have fucking sled dogs all over the fucking
place. What the hell is this shit?




Although she's extremely shy, I snaked a pic of Ms. Nev when she wasn't paying attention :


And here is their beautiful child, getting washed up and ready for a visit
from "Unca theac" :



Beautiful.

"Are you hungry? We were about to have a little snack" cheerfully Ms. Nev pipes up.



Apparently its batter-fried cheeze whiz. It’s a delicacy in Minnesota. I
pass. The family whips up 3 or 4 cases worth and proceeds to chow down.
After the snack, Nev asks if I want to see his "flippin' sweet" new pad.

First things first. Nev has to show me his home theatre system.



"See, you can still have a sweet setup without spending a bajillion dollars.
You just got watch for the deals, man."

Yeah. "flippin' sweet" indeed.

Remember that new sink we heard so much about a couple of days ago? Here’s the finished product :



“Can you believe those assholes at Home Depot wanted me to pay $200 for a
new sink basin? What a bunch of retards! What do they think, money
grows on trees? I’ve got a family to support. So I tell them ‘Excuse me,
Daddy Warbucks, but not all of us have dollar bills shooting out of our asses’
and flipped them off. I really showed them. Can you believe this only cost
$5.69?”

Ty Pennington, look out!

We then head to Nev’s bedroom to checkout his swank love pad. I walk in the door and see this :



“Sorry man, I was doing a bit of laundry and haven’t had a chance to fold it
up yet”

“You wash your wife’s undies? That’s nice of you”

“What do you mean? My wife doesn’t wear men’s underwear”

“What the fu…”

“Hey dude, check out my closet!”

I wheel around to see the Nev grinning proudly in front of a doorframe :



“It’s really handy cause I really work up a sweat trying to dress myself, so it’s
handy to have some snacks ready. I’ve got some Twinkies and Ding Dongs
in the sock drawer too! Isn't that badass?”

Truly.

We leave the bedroom and in the hallway, I see this :



Apparently the electrician wanted to do something outrageous when they
were building the house and charge him a small fortune to keep up
with “code”. Nev said he thought this “code” had something to do with the
Illuminati and he didn’t trust those motherfuckers cause he read the Da Vinci
Code and then Angles and Demons and knew they weren’t to be trusted.
Actually he found a copy of the book in PDF and had his Mac read it to him.



Speaking of the Mac, we went to the office and he showed me his pride and
joy :



So I couldn’t help myself and asked about the thing sticking out of the top.
Another fiery ball of rage spewed forth from my host.

“You keep your fucking hands off of her! We’re in love! She promised me I’m
the only one for her and you can’t have her! Stop looking at her!”

A tornado of tears and flab churns into motion and is heading in my
direction. Right before disaster strikes, Ms. Nev yanks me out of the room and shuts the door.

“Come on, hon. I’ll show you to your room. We’ll leave Nev in there to cool
off for a while.”

As we walk away I begin to hear moans and wheezing lilting from the office
and “Oh, Steve. Oooooh. Oh, Steve. Of course the Woz can watch.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!”


*shudder *


Nev forgot to tell me his dad was also staying in the guest bedroom :



“Hey man! You must be that guy that my boy has the man-crush on.
Welcome to Minnesota! I heard you’re from the South, so I put up a
Confederate flag and a ‘White’s Only’ sign on the bathroom to make you feel
more at home. That's funny cause the last time there was a person of color
in Minnesota was when Nev got himself covered head to toe in chocolate
after the Hershey’s Easter Bunny Incident of `92.”

Yeah, great. I now realize I’m stuck somewhere between Deliverance and
What’s Eating Glibert Grape. Kill me now. Nev’s dad asks me if I’d like to take
a nap with him. I pass. He then goes on to tell me the tale of how his family
ended up Minnesota. Apparently things were just too expensive for them in
the more temperate parts of the US, so they began their sojourn north to Canada.

“Why Canada?”

“I hear shit is really cheap up there and they’ve got FREE health care! Can
you believe that shit? I mean, if we didn’t have to pay for the monthly
angioplasty, I coulda bought Nev that dual G5 with the vibrating pleasure
bumps and iFlesh skin like covering he’s always wanted”

“So why aren’t you there?”

“Assholes saw us coming and set up a perimeter”

He then pulls out a picture :



“This was the great battle of ’64. Fuckers are fierce for a bunch of pot
smoking hippies. It was getting ugly till negotiators from the US and Canada
sat down and came to a truce. Canada would secede a small bit of shithole
tundra land that no one wanted and the US agreed to keep us out of Canada. Thus, Minnesota was born.”

A voice from the kitchen calls out “Dinner time”.



Dinner is apparently one vast trough of meat. Ms. Nev is smiling warmly
when she says :

“I know that people from you area eat those veg … vege … vegis”

“Vegetables?”

“Yeah, that’s it. I actually found some and deep fried them for you.
(note the crap in the foreground of the picture) Here’s your plate!”



This is apparently a small portion. The rest of the family just grabbed forks
and started eating from the serving pans. 37 seconds later, they were done
and ready to show me around night life in Minnesota.

So we go out to see this local band :



All they did was play “The Chicken Dance” for 4 hours. The crowd went wild,
but I was a little less than enthused. Noticing I was bored, Nev pipes up that he heard about this hot new club “downtown” about a block away from
the traffic light. We head down there and this was the line to get in :



At this point, my butthole was puckering so hard I thought it was going to
cave in. I was scared for my life and in a desperate play to get the hell out,
I belt out the only thing that I think will save me from the fuzzy horrors
within …

“Hey guys, is anyone hungry?”

“Now you’re fucking talking! I knew some time around normal folk would help
you get your head out of your skinny ass!”

I tell them I’ll buy, so we go to the most expensive place in town :



It’s considered “fancy” because they have fruit AND vegetables. This is a
rare thing up there. I was happy finally find something to eat that wasn’t
batter fried. I ask why is everything in Minnesota a buffet? I get some rhetoric about being a fancy pants and some of us don’t have time to wait on
food to be cooked to order and it costs too much and blah blah blah. I tune
it out and we head back after management informs us that we have eaten
everything they have that’s non-toxic, including the urinal cakes. I’m
exhausted and climb into the vegetable crisper in the walk-in fridge. I figure
no one will find me there, so my anal virginity is safe for another night.

I wake up the next morning and pack my stuff to go. Nev drives me to the
airport and is really quiet the whole way. We pull up and I’m about to get
out when he grabs me and starts crying. He kisses me on the lips … and tries
to slip me some tongue. I freak out, push him off, and throw a half eaten bag of jelly beans that were in the door pocket at him. It distracts him long
enough for me to get away. I stop off in the airport bathroom to vomit and
scrub my face with a brillo pad. After regaining my composure, I walk out to the concourse and board the plane.



That’s the last thing I saw as we taxied down the runway. Goodbye
Minnesota, you festering shithole!




fin​
 
J

jaxxor

Guest
what the shit? I'm weeping over the bandwidth this consumed and the fact that I saw a man ass :(
 
J

jaxxor

Guest

funny stuff

Note : don't quote the whole thing again
 
Last edited by a moderator:
J

jaxxor

Guest
fly said:
What happened to the original in the Mods Corner with all the funny comments about nev?
Note: don't quote the whole thing again.
























:fly: