Saturday roadside vomit

shawndavid

Are you wanting making fuck berserker?
I'm still in bed. I don't know what the fuck happened to me last night. Macaroni Grill, Chicaboom Room then Blur. I can't remember the last time I puked after drinking. We woke up this morning at our friends, Mike and Renni's, in the guest bedroom. I felt really nauseous and tried to be still so it might pass. I pulled the comforter off to cool down. A wave washed over me bringing with it a slick neck and a sense of urgency one only experiences in a life or death situation. I got up immediately and dry heaved a little, with teh exception of 20cc or so of bile. After a couple minutes, with my forehead resting on the far side of the toilet seat, a zip line of spit connecting me to the bowl, I decided I could go back to bed. I chugged some liquid on the nightstand and went back to sleep. I woke up to Amy handing me some herpes blister puss flavored antinauseal syrup. I slept for a little while. I woke up again and had to again head to the bathroom. I puked up all the liquid I drank which was now cherry red from the antinausea swill. Mike comes in with the camera and starts snapping shots of me on all fours all teary-eyed and drooling again. I told him if he took another picture I would puke on the floor. He and I both know I'm that much of an asshole so he stopped. One thing I noticed this morning: why, if you dry heave a few times and nothing comes out, does your body tell you it's well again? Anyway. I feel fine now - 95% at least. We get on the road and I tell Amy that I'm slipping again. She says pull over. I'm not ready yet. All of a sudden I am very ready and there's a pod of like 15 spandex biker guys blocking my egress from the road. I jam around them and bust a right onto a side road. I pull over and, at 11am on a Saturday, drop to all fours on the side of the road in a decent neighborhood. I didn't care. I'm in last night's outfit on all fours dry heaving in the grass next to the truck. Amy's telling me I need to get up or we're going to get in trouble. I don't care. I would lay there naked. I didn't care. I spit up some more cherry herpes sauce and bile. I hear a bicycle. My pride is back. I think I'm going to be swarmed by Lance Armstrong dudes as I do the crawl of shame. These healthy fucks. Luckily it's just some random guy. I realized how close I was to the sidewalk hearing the clicking of his multiple speed bike. I was in that 3-4 foot swatch of grass between the sidewalk and the road. I heaved again. Just spit. A kid on a bike with a banana seat goes by. Amy tells me again that I'm going to get in trouble. I get up and get in the truck. She drives me to the house. I go to the bathroom, dry heave some more and realize that I'm going to shit myself if I risk any more stomach contractions. I sit down and piss out my ass. It's like an espresso machine. I'm going to puke again. I get back on my knees to puke without wiping my ass. I dry heave some more. Now I feel the cold tile and realize that that's where I want to be. I pushed the rug aside and laid on the floor. I did not wipe my ass. I got up, and squirted again, cleaned up and went back to bed. Then Amy rolls in and wakes me up with a Publix sub. She has called our friends and canceled our super duper pool party and bbq. I love her. She is my queen. My nubian princess. We have been in bed shopping for Lamborghinis and talking shit. The point is, I can't remember the last time I puked form drinking. Additionally, the last time I was sick enough to puke in public with reckless abandon I was 17 and it was nighttime. I don't even recall having that much to drink. Fuck me. I'm getting old.
 
Mike comes in with the camera and starts snapping shots of me on all fours all teary-eyed and drooling again. I told him if he took another picture I would puke on the floor. He and I both know I'm that much of an asshole so he stopped.

that right there cracked me up





I get sick like that on occasion but it's usually my fault. I've never been on my hands and knees on the side of the road though. Sleep, fatty food and water usually fixes my problems.
 
My god I got hurt today so I had to go to the emergency and havent checked the forum like all day. Then I am just sitting down with a jim beam and coke (lol) and open this thread. I skipped the OP because it was like ONE HUGE RUN ON PARAGRAPH but it seems shawn got wasted and had food poisoning at the same time? Either way the responses seem to indicate something a long those lines. It's not like Im complaining because I really dont care but goddamn I love making fun of people. I suggest you eat some crisco and clean that crap out. Water also solves almost every injury known to man.
 
I'm still in bed. I don't know what the fuck happened to me last night. Macaroni Grill, Chicaboom Room then Blur. I can't remember the last time I puked after drinking. We woke up this morning at our friends, Mike and Renni's, in the guest bedroom. I felt really nauseous and tried to be still so it might pass. I pulled the comforter off to cool down. A wave washed over me bringing with it a slick neck and a sense of urgency one only experiences in a life or death situation. I got up immediately and dry heaved a little, with teh exception of 20cc or so of bile. After a couple minutes, with my forehead resting on the far side of the toilet seat, a zip line of spit connecting me to the bowl, I decided I could go back to bed. I chugged some liquid on the nightstand and went back to sleep.

I woke up to Amy handing me some herpes blister puss flavored antinauseal syrup. I slept for a little while. I woke up again and had to again head to the bathroom. I puked up all the liquid I drank which was now cherry red from the antinausea swill. Mike comes in with the camera and starts snapping shots of me on all fours all teary-eyed and drooling again. I told him if he took another picture I would puke on the floor. He and I both know I'm that much of an asshole so he stopped. One thing I noticed this morning: why, if you dry heave a few times and nothing comes out, does your body tell you it's well again?

Anyway. I feel fine now - 95% at least. We get on the road and I tell Amy that I'm slipping again. She says pull over. I'm not ready yet. All of a sudden I am very ready and there's a pod of like 15 spandex biker guys blocking my egress from the road. I jam around them and bust a right onto a side road. I pull over and, at 11am on a Saturday, drop to all fours on the side of the road in a decent neighborhood. I didn't care. I'm in last night's outfit on all fours dry heaving in the grass next to the truck. Amy's telling me I need to get up or we're going to get in trouble. I don't care. I would lay there naked, I didn't care. I spit up some more cherry herpes sauce and bile. I hear a bicycle. My pride is back. I think I'm going to be swarmed by Lance Armstrong dudes as I do the crawl of shame. These healthy fucks. Luckily it's just some random guy. I realized how close I was to the sidewalk hearing the clicking of his multiple speed bike. I was in that 3-4 foot swatch of grass between the sidewalk and the road. I heaved again. Just spit. A kid on a bike with a banana seat goes by. Amy tells me again that I'm going to get in trouble. I get up and get in the truck. She drives me to the house.

Once home, I go to the bathroom, dry heave some more and realize that I'm going to shit myself if I risk any more stomach contractions. I sit down and piss out my ass. It's like an espresso machine. I'm going to puke again. I get back on my knees to puke without wiping my ass. I dry heave some more. Now I feel the cold tile and realize that that's where I want to be. I pushed the rug aside and laid on the floor. I did not wipe my ass. I got up, and squirted again, cleaned up and went back to bed. Then Amy rolls in and wakes me up with a Publix sub. She has called our friends and canceled our super duper pool party and bbq. I love her. She is my queen. My Nubian princess. We have been in bed shopping for Lamborghinis and talking shit. The point is, I can't remember the last time I puked form drinking. Additionally, the last time I was sick enough to puke in public with reckless abandon I was 17 and it was nighttime. I don't even recall having that much to drink. Fuck me. I'm getting old.

Fixt a little.
 
shawnspirit.jpg