Please welcome caulkbox

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caulkbox said:
So since this thread is so great how about we talk about our first experience with porn?


How I found about porn was from the wonderful internet world of Hentai:

I was a young lad at the age of 11-12 ish. Pokemon was just breaking out in the US. That's right. Pokemon. This won't end well.

Anyway, I had also just learned about fanfics, and being the li'l bookworm that I am, I looked up Pokemon fanfics. I mainly aimed for comedies, because romance is for queers . Anyway, there was one part of a sub-par Pokemon comedy fanfic where Jessie was getting dressed, and James walked in on her. In the classic "OMG DIS IZ RANDOM!! WAFFLES N PENGUINSs!@!1 <3<3 ^-^" manner, Jessie went "HENTAI!!" and, with a magically appearing mallet, knocked James through the roof and into space.

"Hentai?" I thought to myself after reading a new, non-english sounding word, "What's that mean?"

...

"I know! I'll look it up!"

*goes to Yahoo.com*

*types "hentai" in the search*

*presses enter*

...

:eek:

---
Fast forward to about 8 years later, and I have roughly a gig worth of foot fetish, dickgirl, lolita, lesbian, lactation, and BBW anime porn, in one folder, not including doujin [comics].

._.

Goddamn it.

Edit: In fact, Pokemon, and the world of perverts who associated themselves with it, was actually the first series to let me know that erotic writing existed, both at all, and for any cartoon.

Yes, it's part of my hard drive's repitoire, too.
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This post is worthless without Direct Connect.
 
ok seriously guys. I need more participation here!

I will continue with a porn related tale. I believe it is every young man's nightmare to be walked in on at the wrong moment. So, most guys tend to do things which will lessen their chances of getting caught, right? Failsafe devices, if you will, to prevent mum and dad from thinking that their darling son has been tainted by the internet / devil etc.

I had an old 300mhz computer set up in the corner, which was used for one thing only.

When everyone was in bed, or I thought they were in bed, the ritual of self fulfillment would usually begin. I had a complex system involving placing a small suitcase in front of the door, wedged between the frame and the leg of my bed, making entrance from the outside all but impossible. However, if plan A failed, I kept a blanket nearby to cover up sensitive bits. Of course, the folks would know exactly what was happening, but at least they would be spared the graphic image of their much loved son fapping away furiously on his new toy.

One night, I forgot the suitcase. And, as Murphy's law has it, that was the night the door flung open, just as I climaxed. Mum was standing at the door, asking me some trivial question about where I put something or other.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN FUCKING BED.

FUCK.

This is where plan B came into effect, although it was extremely difficult to execute this plan whilst having paroxysms of ecstasy, I managed to block the line of sight from my mother's disapproving stare to my throbbing cock. Unfortunately, that was all I managed to block.

Thunderous spurts of semen burst forth from behind the blanket, and out into the open air. Sticky ropes of man-chowder splattered against the keyboard, monitor and modem. It was like for this fateful night, higher powers had given me the prostate, seminal vesicles and Cowper's glands of Peter North.

Needless to say, after 30 seconds of silence and several millilitres of ejaculate, my mother left the room.

Suicide felt like a brilliant option that night.
 
When you stop being an asshole, it turns out you're funny. Good story.

I had my mom catch me once, but she made it even more awkward by continuing to ask me a question. I gave a quick answer just to get her out of there.

Yours was much worse.
 
caulkbox said:
ok seriously guys. I need more participation here!

I will continue with a porn related tale. I believe it is every young man's nightmare to be walked in on at the wrong moment. So, most guys tend to do things which will lessen their chances of getting caught, right? Failsafe devices, if you will, to prevent mum and dad from thinking that their darling son has been tainted by the internet / devil etc.

I had an old 300mhz computer set up in the corner, which was used for one thing only.

When everyone was in bed, or I thought they were in bed, the ritual of self fulfillment would usually begin. I had a complex system involving placing a small suitcase in front of the door, wedged between the frame and the leg of my bed, making entrance from the outside all but impossible. However, if plan A failed, I kept a blanket nearby to cover up sensitive bits. Of course, the folks would know exactly what was happening, but at least they would be spared the graphic image of their much loved son fapping away furiously on his new toy.

One night, I forgot the suitcase. And, as Murphy's law has it, that was the night the door flung open, just as I climaxed. Mum was standing at the door, asking me some trivial question about where I put something or other.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN FUCKING BED.

FUCK.

This is where plan B came into effect, although it was extremely difficult to execute this plan whilst having paroxysms of ecstasy, I managed to block the line of sight from my mother's disapproving stare to my throbbing cock. Unfortunately, that was all I managed to block.

Thunderous spurts of semen burst forth from behind the blanket, and out into the open air. Sticky ropes of man-chowder splattered against the keyboard, monitor and modem. It was like for this fateful night, higher powers had given me the prostate, seminal vesicles and Cowper's glands of Peter North.

Needless to say, after 30 seconds of silence and several millilitres of ejaculate, my mother left the room.

Suicide felt like a brilliant option that night.
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ok that story was worth half a vote :lol:
 
wonko80 said:
When you stop being an asshole, it turns out you're funny. Good story.

I had my mom catch me once, but she made it even more awkward by continuing to ask me a question. I gave a quick answer just to get her out of there.

Yours was much worse.
Click to expand...

hey i am only an asshole when people start jumping on me! give the new guy a break :heart:
 
caulkbox said:
You should hear my first sexual experience... :(
Click to expand...

and to continue with this though...

My first sexual experience happened around the age of 14.

I was looking at my step fathers porno mags. Fox, Cherri, Hustler. He kept them in his walk in closet underneath a pile of his ties and underwear, and more up on the top shelf. So I was looking at them and trying to spank it. Which takes a while because, well, it's easy to learn and hard to master at that age.

My door bell rings and the this overweight neighbor girl, who was in and out of juvie since I'd known. Name is Illana. She was at the door. This girl she was a white gangsta middle school chick who played lots of soccer, our parents were friends and neighbors so that helped too. Anyway her 18 year old mexican gangsta boyfriend had recently went to jail for writing hot checks. Also people in middle school make fun of her for being a slut and people make fun of me for being a spastic little bastard whose always in trouble.

Anyway shes at my door. She tells me shes super stoned and starts raiding my freezer for snicker ice cream bars. I remember she was wearing a Dennis Rodman Spurs jersey... nevermind... Then I tell her, hey come check this out... I found my dads PORN!

So I bring her in and show her what I'm looking at. We go back and look at and comment on the pornography. Then she starts wrestling around with me. Next thing shes on my bed, bouncing up and down on it saying lets have sex. So I am cautious. Thinking shes kidding. She takes off her shirt and tells me to get naked. So I get my skinny ass naked. She laughs at me and tells me that she was just joking. I say " Thats fucked up." And start putting my clothes back on, she then starts masturbating in my bed so I put two and two together.

We have the worst clumsiest sex in history of awkward losing your virginity sex while listening to Blood Sugar Sex Magic. She yells at me because I put my elbow on her collar and then starts whining that I'm fucking her too hard, so being a bastard I fuck her harder. The bed breaks. There was always a two by four under the bed, holding the base and mattress up off the ground. It slipped out of place and we tilt over diagonally. I roll off of the bed. She starts laughing hysterically at me, calling me an idiot. So I have to stop and fix the bed by replacing the two by four between the metal slits that lift the base off the ground.

It takes me forever to get her to agree to continue. Once I do, practically a minute later my garage door is opening and my parents are getting home. I rush her into the bathroom with her clothes and get my clothes on quick. Then my moms at my door. Now Illana's pussy smelt horrible. I don't know if my mom just gave me a free ride here, or didn't feel like dealing with this yet, or what happened. But I got away scott-free.

"Whats going on?" I explain that we were goofing around and I broke my bed. Ilana is in the bathroom. Illana comes out. And I ask if I can go over to her house with her to play Aladin on Genesis, she says shes got to do homework. We were both lying.

Hours later my dad gets home and backhands me for getting him in trouble with my mother. Apparently I left the porn out. I didn't get laid again until 3 years later in high school. Illana never fucked me again, even though I brought her over some weed I stole out of this kids backpack.

THANKS PORN!
 
caulkbox said:
and to continue with this though...

My first sexual experience happened around the age of 14.

I was looking at my step fathers porno mags. Fox, Cherri, Hustler. He kept them in his walk in closet underneath a pile of his ties and underwear, and more up on the top shelf. So I was looking at them and trying to spank it. Which takes a while because, well, it's easy to learn and hard to master at that age.

My door bell rings and the this overweight neighbor girl, who was in and out of juvie since I'd known. Name is Illana. She was at the door. This girl she was a white gangsta middle school chick who played lots of soccer, our parents were friends and neighbors so that helped too. Anyway her 18 year old mexican gangsta boyfriend had recently went to jail for writing hot checks. Also people in middle school make fun of her for being a slut and people make fun of me for being a spastic little bastard whose always in trouble.

Anyway shes at my door. She tells me shes super stoned and starts raiding my freezer for snicker ice cream bars. I remember she was wearing a Dennis Rodman Spurs jersey... nevermind... Then I tell her, hey come check this out... I found my dads PORN!

So I bring her in and show her what I'm looking at. We go back and look at and comment on the pornography. Then she starts wrestling around with me. Next thing shes on my bed, bouncing up and down on it saying lets have sex. So I am cautious. Thinking shes kidding. She takes off her shirt and tells me to get naked. So I get my skinny ass naked. She laughs at me and tells me that she was just joking. I say " Thats fucked up." And start putting my clothes back on, she then starts masturbating in my bed so I put two and two together.

We have the worst clumsiest sex in history of awkward losing your virginity sex while listening to Blood Sugar Sex Magic. She yells at me because I put my elbow on her collar and then starts whining that I'm fucking her too hard, so being a bastard I fuck her harder. The bed breaks. There was always a two by four under the bed, holding the base and mattress up off the ground. It slipped out of place and we tilt over diagonally. I roll off of the bed. She starts laughing hysterically at me, calling me an idiot. So I have to stop and fix the bed by replacing the two by four between the metal slits that lift the base off the ground.

It takes me forever to get her to agree to continue. Once I do, practically a minute later my garage door is opening and my parents are getting home. I rush her into the bathroom with her clothes and get my clothes on quick. Then my moms at my door. Now Illana's pussy smelt horrible. I don't know if my mom just gave me a free ride here, or didn't feel like dealing with this yet, or what happened. But I got away scott-free.

"Whats going on?" I explain that we were goofing around and I broke my bed. Ilana is in the bathroom. Illana comes out. And I ask if I can go over to her house with her to play Aladin on Genesis, she says shes got to do homework. We were both lying.

Hours later my dad gets home and backhands me for getting him in trouble with my mother. Apparently I left the porn out. I didn't get laid again until 3 years later in high school. Illana never fucked me again, even though I brought her over some weed I stole out of this kids backpack.

THANKS PORN!
Click to expand...
ok that was worth the other half of my vote
this bit
then starts whining that I'm fucking her too hard, so being a bastard I fuck her harder.
Click to expand...
was the kicker :lol:
 
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