Viruses:
328 colds
29 influenzas
HPV (thanks you stupid bitch whoever you were, and sorry to all you other bitches whoever you were)
Bacteria:
213,441 Zits
Infected paper cut
Infected gash on inside of right calf
Gingivitis
Pink eye
Swimmer's ear
Broken bones:
Clavicle (right)
Ankle (left)
3 toes (left)
7 fingers (3 left, 4 right)
Orbital bone (left)
Jaw (right)
Ulna and Radius (left - compound fracture with ligament damage; permanent loss of some mobility and strength)
Radius (right)
5 ribs (2 left, 3 right)
Tailbone
Miscellaneous:
Torn ACL
2 cavities
Scar from firepoker malfunction in left eyebrow
4,812 black eyes
Alcohol poisoning in Kazakhstan from a bottle of vodka and a bottle of red wine
4 bouts of food poisoning
Ingrown toenail
5 moles removed
19 bug-shaped scars from barbed wire (fell off barn roof as a kid, landed in rolls of rusty barbed wire below, sometimes used by farmers in Norway to pen in their cattle and sheep...and small children)
6 nails through the soles of my feet (I was like the Jesus of adventure and exploration when growing up)
Scar on back of head from jagged metal door frame in old Nazi bunker
Innumberable cuts, scrapes, and gashes from sports and adventuring (at least 16 million)
Innumerable bruises (at least 48 trillion)
Small hole from blowgun dart in my right thigh (drunken friend)
Small blue-colored spot between my middle and ring fingers on right hand from where a buddy stabbed me with a pencil. No idea why it's blue.
I could go on for years so I'll stop.