Money as a gift- equality?

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HifiGirly

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Nov 16, 2004
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My husband and I got into a discussion last night stemming from some comments his mother has made recently about my family that are upsetting me. His mother is constantly saying she treats us all equal and doesn’t play favorites. This is an issue we are not seeing eye to eye on so I thought I would ask you all.
Before Christmas 2 years ago, my in-laws sold their house and had to move the week before Christmas. It was as usual no notice and I had prior responsibility to work at my job as a private cook. I was also 4 months pregnant and would not be much help moving. They moved late in the evening for 4 or 5 nights all of which I was at work. My husband and his sister and her husband helped his parents move. Mind you my husbands sister and brother-in-law lived with them so it would be a given they would help move. I did help the last night in which we were out until 3 am in 10 degree weather. When they sold the house they made a decent profit and had some extra money. So come Christmas my husband, his sister and her husband each got $500 in the first gift they opened. I received a $100 gift card to a store. My husbands niece and nephew also received $100 each in cash and were never around for the move. I felt it was not right. He says it was payment for helping move, but I don't think it should have been presented that way. They made it this hugh deal about the money being a gift. I feel that if they wanted to pay them for helping move it should not have been done Christmas morning. Opinions?
 
HifiGirly said:
My husband and I got into a discussion last night stemming from some comments his mother has made recently about my family that are upsetting me. His mother is constantly saying she treats us all equal and doesn’t play favorites. This is an issue we are not seeing eye to eye on so I thought I would ask you all.
Before Christmas 2 years ago, my in-laws sold their house and had to move the week before Christmas. It was as usual no notice and I had prior responsibility to work at my job as a private cook. I was also 4 months pregnant and would not be much help moving. They moved late in the evening for 4 or 5 nights all of which I was at work. My husband and his sister and her husband helped his parents move. Mind you my husbands sister and brother-in-law lived with them so it would be a given they would help move. I did help the last night in which we were out until 3 am in 10 degree weather. When they sold the house they made a decent profit and had some extra money. So come Christmas my husband, his sister and her husband each got $500 in the first gift they opened. I received a $100 gift card to a store. My husbands niece and nephew also received $100 each in cash and were never around for the move. I felt it was not right. He says it was payment for helping move, but I don't think it should have been presented that way. They made it this hugh deal about the money being a gift. I feel that if they wanted to pay them for helping move it should not have been done Christmas morning. Opinions?
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Using a Christmas gift as payment is kinda fucked up. Are they Jewish? Do they have claws?
 
HifiGirly said:
But if it was a gift shouldn't the adults have received the same amount?
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You said yourself, they said it was help for moving. So the $100 gift was for Christmas. The extra $400 gift was for the move.

As said, it wasn't the best way to do it, but that close to the holidays, it's still somewhat understandeable.
 
While they may have been wrong, what is the purpose of getting worked up over it? There are only two results that can come from it:

1) You or your husband confront his parents about it. Regardless of their reaction, all it will do is make you look selfish and petty for caring about it 2 years later.

2) You continue to be bothered by it and complain about it to your husband, which puts him in the middle between you and his parents. You will also continue to harbor resentment to his parents and possibly him.

What it all comes down to is what is the point of caring? Perhaps they just made a faux pas, or perhaps they thought you could have helped more. You still harboring resentment over it would only reinforce any negative feelings they had towards you.

In short, get over it.
 
it may not have been the best way to present it, but my mom is a melodramatic drama queen. So whenever she does someting it tends to be over the top in all respects.
 
wonko80 said:
While they may have been wrong, what is the purpose of getting worked up over it? There are only two results that can come from it:

1) You or your husband confront his parents about it. Regardless of their reaction, all it will do is make you look selfish and petty for caring about it 2 years later.

2) You continue to be bothered by it and complain about it to your husband, which puts him in the middle between you and his parents. You will also continue to harbor resentment to his parents and possibly him.

What it all comes down to is what is the point of caring? Perhaps they just made a faux pas, or perhaps they thought you could have helped more. You still harboring resentment over it would only reinforce any negative feelings they had towards you.

In short, get over it.
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Well actually this came up after his mom called last night and made some rude comments about the amount of time we spend with my family at Christmas versus their family. And she was upset that we were goign to my mothers house in the morning before coming to their house. She suggested that we come to their house at 10 am which would cut the time we would be at my mothers to about 30 minutes. It only a small part of an ongoing conflict and general feeling that his family does not like me. His mom has a tendency to call and say rather hurtful things, so about 2 months ago we went over to their house to discuss the issues and it became this big fight that we were attacking them.
 
I agree with Wonko, nothing good can come from dwelling on this. Let it go and move on; it's in the past. To put things in perspective, last year blondie's parents got her about 300 bucks worth of gifts and I got a 25 dollar gift card to lands end. I was happy with that because in years past I didn't even get a card.
 
HifiGirly said:
Well actually this came up after his mom called last night and made some rude comments about the amount of time we spend with my family at Christmas versus their family. And she was upset that we were goign to my mothers house in the morning before coming to their house. She suggested that we come to their house at 10 am which would cut the time we would be at my mothers to about 30 minutes. It only a small part of an ongoing conflict and general feeling that his family does not like me. His mom has a tendency to call and say rather hurtful things, so about 2 months ago we went over to their house to discuss the issues and it became this big fight that we were attacking them.
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I saw this problem developing in our families too...I fixed it by moving 300 miles away from the in-laws and 800 miles away from my family. Problem solved.
 
dbzeag said:
Truth. My parents give me guilt trips to help them move. They certainly don't pay me
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well it was kind of a crazy move. They moved in to this bigass house that was way to much for them to handle (mom is physically limited). My sister and her family moved in with them. Then around 18 months later, they sold their place and had to be out by a certin date. So they bought a new home, moved all their crap over there, then it kind of fell through. So then everything was moved from there to an apartment. Then a few months later it was moved into their current place.
so thats 4 moves in like 3 years or so. Sucks.
 
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