Life of a Holla Back Girl : Tales of misery and woe by DirkPhoenix
- Thread starter DirkPhoenix
- Start date
Syrup Beaver
pants log
Thanks for all the offers of escape. I always have a standard "Border Run" via my family if she gets preggers.
As for marriage, I doubly appreciate the horror stories of others. They will fuel my desire to disappear into California very soon. Allnighte
Now for the other story:
"Dirk, I'm afraid you are going to try crack."
When you're sitting down to a nice $50 meal, mouth full with a nice piece of steak, and a little buzzed, there's only really one reaction you can have. I laughed.
This was not the correct reaction.
That day I had found a particularly delicious SomethingAwful thread relating to someone's prior crack usage, and the hilarity that ensued. I found out some rather interesting stuff:
1.) The crackhead army - If you want to get into dealing crack, and you don't want to the hassle of shopping for you cracktastic crack pad, get some junkies to furnish it for you. A $150 DVD player can go for as low as $10 of crack. Want to get some gift certificates for the loved ones? Get a crackhead to steal something, return it, and give you the gift card in exchange for that rock-licious mix of cocaine and baking soda. Don't like the guy down the street? Give a crackhead $20 worth of product and a name, and watch the blood fly. The idea of an army of strung-out white people doing your bidding is, and i'm sorry, fucking cool.
2.) The crackhead castle - Want to distribute your product and keep security high? Build a 12-foot fence with a lookout tower in your very own crackyard. Tie a bucket to a pulley system and voila! your very own ACM (Automated Crack Machine.) Only a crackhead could think of such beautiful simplicity.
3.) The crackhead chucklemonkey - Are you strung out? Have no money, but want a nice rock to keep you high for 15-20 minutes? Agree to eat habanero peppers for crack (note: no water is allowed). Guaranteed fun for the whole crack family.
Now I recited the finer points of this thread with apparently too much enthusiasm for her. As I have an "addictive personality" (my video game addiction has caused her much grief. The hours a week that I devote to questing for the Sword of Ultimate Ass-Kicking (+5, Vorpal) represents the perfect gateway drug. It's just a hop, skip, and a "You must gather your party before venturing forth" until I'm blowing people for rock.) it makes sense to her that I will see this former crack addict as some sort of God, and that I must follow his crack ways.
So the dinner took a turn for the serious, with me first trying to convince her that it is idiotic to think that I would ever jeopardize everything (security clearance, keeping all my teeth, etc.) by ever trying any illegal drug, to now apologizing for insinuating that she is an idiot, to trying to convince her to not get a cab so that she can leave as she is "so pissed off she can't breathe." An hour and a cold steak later, we leave to continue the conversation at my place.
You know, it's enough to make someone try crack...
As for marriage, I doubly appreciate the horror stories of others. They will fuel my desire to disappear into California very soon. Allnighte
Now for the other story:
"Dirk, I'm afraid you are going to try crack."
When you're sitting down to a nice $50 meal, mouth full with a nice piece of steak, and a little buzzed, there's only really one reaction you can have. I laughed.
This was not the correct reaction.
That day I had found a particularly delicious SomethingAwful thread relating to someone's prior crack usage, and the hilarity that ensued. I found out some rather interesting stuff:
1.) The crackhead army - If you want to get into dealing crack, and you don't want to the hassle of shopping for you cracktastic crack pad, get some junkies to furnish it for you. A $150 DVD player can go for as low as $10 of crack. Want to get some gift certificates for the loved ones? Get a crackhead to steal something, return it, and give you the gift card in exchange for that rock-licious mix of cocaine and baking soda. Don't like the guy down the street? Give a crackhead $20 worth of product and a name, and watch the blood fly. The idea of an army of strung-out white people doing your bidding is, and i'm sorry, fucking cool.
2.) The crackhead castle - Want to distribute your product and keep security high? Build a 12-foot fence with a lookout tower in your very own crackyard. Tie a bucket to a pulley system and voila! your very own ACM (Automated Crack Machine.) Only a crackhead could think of such beautiful simplicity.
3.) The crackhead chucklemonkey - Are you strung out? Have no money, but want a nice rock to keep you high for 15-20 minutes? Agree to eat habanero peppers for crack (note: no water is allowed). Guaranteed fun for the whole crack family.
Now I recited the finer points of this thread with apparently too much enthusiasm for her. As I have an "addictive personality" (my video game addiction has caused her much grief. The hours a week that I devote to questing for the Sword of Ultimate Ass-Kicking (+5, Vorpal) represents the perfect gateway drug. It's just a hop, skip, and a "You must gather your party before venturing forth" until I'm blowing people for rock.) it makes sense to her that I will see this former crack addict as some sort of God, and that I must follow his crack ways.
So the dinner took a turn for the serious, with me first trying to convince her that it is idiotic to think that I would ever jeopardize everything (security clearance, keeping all my teeth, etc.) by ever trying any illegal drug, to now apologizing for insinuating that she is an idiot, to trying to convince her to not get a cab so that she can leave as she is "so pissed off she can't breathe." An hour and a cold steak later, we leave to continue the conversation at my place.
You know, it's enough to make someone try crack...
FlyNavy said:
There's no possible counter to it. You can't say "Okay, calm down." because you're belittling her. You can't apologize because now you're placating her. You can't reason with her because now you're talking down to her. You can't ignore it because that just gets her more upset.
How do I know this? I tried them all within a 3 minute span.
I see several scenarios hereDirkPhoenix said:
1. You're making this up for our enjoyment.
2. This ho-beast can screw like a demon, has absolutely zero gag reflex, and is an ex-contortionist.
3. You're a dumbass.
There is no reason for a cool guy like you to be with such a person.
Jeeze......this chick has serious issues. Is the sex really good enough to tolerate all this crap?
theacoustician said:
Ask wr3kt or Viremia. We all had a good laugh about it during the weekly poker game.
Unfortunately, i'd go with Door #3. That and a feeling that if I can deal with her crazy, that somehow is a sign that it could work out.
That and I like the way her hair feels when she's going down on me.
The best response I was able to give once is looking shocked and saying "oh god, I can't either.." and pretended to hyperventilateDirkPhoenix said:
The night was ruined anyways, figured I should enjoy the last twenty seconds of it.
How about I buy you a fleshlight and hot glue a wig to it?DirkPhoenix said:Ask wr3kt or Viremia. We all had a good laugh about it during the weekly poker game.
Unfortunately, i'd go with Door #3. That and a feeling that if I can deal with her crazy, that somehow is a sign that it could work out.
That and I like the way her hair feels when she's going down on me.
PS - and send you some crack
DirkPhoenix said:That and I like the way her hair feels when she's going down on me.
Wow, you can still remember that far back?
Fat Burger said:Wow, you can still remember that far back?
....it'd be funny if it wasn't true. I tried the whole "You're great at it" line, even the "If you don't I won't marry you", but sadly her TMJ allows only the occasional "visit", not the "weekend sabbatical" that I desire.
DirkPhoenix said:
You really beleive that it's due to TMJ??? Do you have documaentation of said condition? I call bull-shit. She already has you hooked, obviously you will tolerate all of her shit.........she doesn't have to anymore.
theacoustician said:
Hmmm...mail order crack. You might have something there.
Anyfuck, I just thought they were good stories.