JOKES!!!

fly

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Oct 1, 2004
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Q: How is a prostitute like a bowling ball?

A: They both get picked up, fingered, and thrown back in the alley!



Q: Whats the best part about fucking a 6 year old?

A: Hearing the pelvis crack.


Your turn...
 
There was an old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink...

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"
 
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."
 
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting. He's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says, "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.

Moishe turns his face up to heaven again and says, "Never mind, I just found one."
 
Fat Burger said:
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting. He's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says, "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.

Moishe turns his face up to heaven again and says, "Never mind, I just found one."
BWAHAHAHHAHA
 
"I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

--Mitch Hedberg, RIP
 
There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.
A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just
right as pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.



The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he received a small parcel and a note which read:

Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
 
Fat Burger said:
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting. He's looking for a parking place, and can't find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says, "God, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbas, and all the holidays."

Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.

Moishe turns his face up to heaven again and says, "Never mind, I just found one."


FAVE!!!:)
 
Two Canadians are sitting in a bar getting bored, so
they decide to play 20 questions. The first Canadian
tries to think of a subject for his friend to guess
and comes up with "moose cock." He tells his friend
he's ready to play.

"Ok," the second Canadian says. "Is it something good
to eat?"

The first Canadian thinks for a moment, then laughs
and replies, "Sure, I guess you could eat it."

The second Canadian says, "Is it a moose cock?"
 
A man and a little girl are walking into the woods at night. The little girl says, "It's dark out. I'm scared." The man replies, "Think about me, I gotta walk back alone..."

or something like that
 
fly said:
A man and a little girl are walking into the woods at night. The little girl says, "It's dark out. I'm scared." The man replies, "Think about me, I gotta walk back alone..."

or something like that


:eek: :lol: that is HORRIBLE!!