Jebus!!

Galen said:
I typed it so quickly I didn't realize my error. You get my point :p
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Something about dirty, cheap, internal stuff. :fly: You'd think I just hit puberty or something. Just don't tell any fart jokes...
 
Galen said:
I am Irish living in Ireland. I am quite fond of Canada though! Hopefully I'll get back later this year.
Click to expand...
Awesome :D
Have you been to canada before? Where abouts did you visit? If you get to the east coast, be sure to let me know... I can show you some Maritime hospitality ;)
 
DirkPhoenix said:
Here's a rough cut of a new Front Page story:

Men's Survival Guide - Chapter 1: The Red River Cometh

Alright guys, it's that time of the month again. No, not for you. For her. Hoist the curtains, batten down the freezers, and get ready to ride the storm out. While we'd love to be able to simply call it a week, go crash at a buddy's house and pretend that the whole thing was just a horrible dream, as men it is our solemn duty to deal with this situation. The fairer sex, a bastion of love and joy, has gone insane. Here's a quick guide to survive the bloody battle axe wound.

The Pre-Game: Days before the dam breaks, you will start to see signs of the impending doom. Your significant other will show signs of wear-and-tear. Take this time to prepare. Wrap up any loose arguments, pack the fridge with all her favorite snacks. If she's "on a diet" (female codewords for "I want to eat everything covered in chocolate but I don't want you to point it out.") then God help you. Ask a female co-worker to buy you some Midol and a John Grisham novel. Throw in $5 so she can get her hair "did".

Step 1: Fights! Foot-Rubs! No Action!

The lights dim, thunder rolls over the sky, a lone vulture sweeps overhead. The door opens. She stands with legs at shoulder-width, holding a magazine. "Why do you have to put the damn magazines on the back of the toilet? I put the wicker basket there for a reason! In fact, why the fuck do you have to read in the bathroom in the first place, I mean blah blah blood blah..." It's happened. No turning back, no leaving to go for "something at the store". Time to employ the Three Ps: Pretend, Pander, and aPpease.
Pretend you care about what she says: "I'm so sorry, baby. I guess I just didn't notice."
Pander to her feelings: "I really shouldn't be so inconsiderate when you do so much for us."
Appease her with something she likes: "Here, let me make it up to you. How about we watch The Bridges of Madison County...together."
It may seem severe, but a good stiff drink or five will make any chick-flick seem like a Jenna Jameson orgy. For the cause!

Step 2: Misdirection

General Patton once said, "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. You won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country." If you have picked up on any of her ramblings about her enemies, you hopefully remembered at least one name. Use it. When she's upset that you left the seat up or that you used her Massengil to kill off that anthill in the front yard, drop in a "How's <insert name> doing?" If nothing else, it will buy you enough time to proceed to...

Step 3: Buy Her Off

Women are material creatures. Anything shiny, that costs a month's salary and has no external use other than to show off to her fat friends, is fair game. If you know you're going into a fight, any good soldier goes prepared. After work (and the strip club), make a stop to a jewelry store. After making a big-ass deal over their prices, go to Wal-Mart. Great prices, earthy atmosphere, and a good place to stock up. Ask the homely granny behind the counter "for something that would make the love of my life feel as special as I know she is." Try not to vomit.

In the end, no one can escape the Red Beast. All you can do is prepare. Remember the Three Ps. When in trouble, misdirect her estrogen-induced anger. Buy her shit. In the end, we all know who's the sane one in the relationship, and as GI Joe taught us "Knowing is half the battle."

Yo Joe!
Click to expand...
Brilliant sir!!! :lol:
 
*Fuxx Burger* said:
Awesome :D
Have you been to canada before? Where abouts did you visit? If you get to the east coast, be sure to let me know... I can show you some Maritime hospitality ;)
Click to expand...
Yes yes, I have been to Canada before. My girlfriend is currently residing in Ontario, NW of Toronto itself.
I have been only once however. To be honest Toronto is a horrible, smelly city aside from some spiffing eateries. The countryside is excellent though, I am a sucker for North American scenery.
I would definitely have to take you up on that sometime. I've always wanted to visit the eastern seaboard. Just as long as it's not in Winter. After 1 day of the Canadian winter, I felt like a soldier 3 weeks into his campaign of bush fighting 30 clicks north of the nong dong valley.
 
Galen said:
Yes yes, I have been to Canada before. My girlfriend is currently residing in Ontario, NW of Toronto itself.
I have been only once however. To be honest Toronto is a horrible, smelly city aside from some spiffing eateries. The countryside is excellent though, I am a sucker for North American scenery.
I would definitely have to take you up on that sometime. I've always wanted to visit the eastern seaboard. Just as long as it's not in Winter. After 1 day of the Canadian winter, I felt like a soldier 3 weeks into his campaign of bush fighting 30 clicks north of the nong dong valley.
Click to expand...
:lol: Oh how right you are :p
Ontario gets about the same weather as we do... so I dont blame you for not wanting to visit in the winter months.
Plus it's just so beautiful here in the summer. If you get the chance, you have to visit Nova Scotia/New Brunswick/PEI next time you are to visit. Just skip over Quebec though, nothing to see there but fat french men in little speedo's... not pretty.

As for Toronto, I know exactly what you mean, been there plenty of times. I lived with my aunt and uncle for a summer and they are about an hour away and the city was brutal.
Did you get up around Niagara on the lake? Now THERE's some beautiful scenery. Oh and the wineries too are amazing!!
 
zengirl said:
I'm still sore with you for calling me "white trash" chef.
Click to expand...

:lol:

I think Dirk puts more effort into his threads/posts than anyone. That damn [M]etal Chef thread was like a serial on t.v.
 
DirkPhoenix said:
:fly:

When you called yourself a "home grown farm girl", it just kinda clicked. No offense meant, of course. :heart:
Click to expand...
;) I know, but this week *cough* I'm a little extra sensitve and irrational. :lol: Not to mention emotionally drained
 
*Fuxx Burger* said:
:lol: Oh how right you are :p
Ontario gets about the same weather as we do... so I dont blame you for not wanting to visit in the winter months.
Plus it's just so beautiful here in the summer. If you get the chance, you have to visit Nova Scotia/New Brunswick/PEI next time you are to visit. Just skip over Quebec though, nothing to see there but fat french men in little speedo's... not pretty.

As for Toronto, I know exactly what you mean, been there plenty of times. I lived with my aunt and uncle for a summer and they are about an hour away and the city was brutal.
Did you get up around Niagara on the lake? Now THERE's some beautiful scenery. Oh and the wineries too are amazing!!
Click to expand...
Ah, most excellent!
I never did get to visit Niagra but I did intend to. I've been told by alot of people that Montreal is the best city in Canada but we'll have to see about that.
I will of course visit that area, it looks great. Especially what I seen of PEI. Also, I intend to visit Labrador City, I seen it from the window on the way over and it has the most wonderful name! A city inhabited by hounds! (please do not ruin this for my imagination)
Anywhere else up around that region worth the visit?
 
Galen said:
Ah, most excellent!
I never did get to visit Niagra but I did intend to. I've been told by alot of people that Montreal is the best city in Canada but we'll have to see about that.
I will of course visit that area, it looks great. Especially what I seen of PEI. Also, I intend to visit Labrador City, I seen it from the window on the way over and it has the most wonderful name! A city inhabited by hounds! (please do not ruin this for my imagination)
Anywhere else up around that region worth the visit?
Click to expand...
Labrador eh? Hounds eh... uhh... yeah.. of course it's inhabitated by dogs :shifty:

Well as for Montreal being the most beautiful city in Canada, I would have to disagree... although its a beautiful city, it's not that great. I have been to pretty much all the major cities across Canada, and I would have to say that Vancouver is the most beautiful city (not that I am at all bias because I went to school there :p )

As for PEI... it's just such a fun provice, you wouldnt need more then a weekend to spend there, but it's very much worth it. Specially if you like seafood... you aren't going to get much better... plus PEI is attatched to my home provice by a very long bridge :D And of course, in NB you have moi.

Nova Scotia is great, so full of culture and tradition. It's quite beautiful. I love Halifax, in fact it's probablyt one of my fav cities in the world. Durring the summer they have some really cool things that go on, one of the best is the Tall Ships, and the Buskers Fest on the waterfront. It's a blast!!

I have been all across Canada, and the most beautiful part is indeed the maritimes. Although I loved BC and everything around it... nothing beats the feel and hospitality of eastern Canada :)


Gez, I should be a travel/tourist spokes person for Canada :p
 
*Fuxx Burger* said:
Labrador eh? Hounds eh... uhh... yeah.. of course it's inhabitated by dogs :shifty:

Well as for Montreal being the most beautiful city in Canada, I would have to disagree... although its a beautiful city, it's not that great. I have been to pretty much all the major cities across Canada, and I would have to say that Vancouver is the most beautiful city (not that I am at all bias because I went to school there :p )

As for PEI... it's just such a fun provice, you wouldnt need more then a weekend to spend there, but it's very much worth it. Specially if you like seafood... you aren't going to get much better... plus PEI is attatched to my home provice by a very long bridge :D And of course, in NB you have moi.

Nova Scotia is great, so full of culture and tradition. It's quite beautiful. I love Halifax, in fact it's probablyt one of my fav cities in the world. Durring the summer they have some really cool things that go on, one of the best is the Tall Ships, and the Buskers Fest on the waterfront. It's a blast!!

I have been all across Canada, and the most beautiful part is indeed the maritimes. Although I loved BC and everything around it... nothing beats the feel and hospitality of eastern Canada :)


Gez, I should be a travel/tourist spokes person for Canada :p
Click to expand...
That you should :p

Well, I'll have to check all those places out. I'll possibly get around to that next year when I free up some time from study. Thankee for your help :D
 
DirkPhoenix said:
Here's a rough cut of a new Front Page story:

Men's Survival Guide - Chapter 1: The Red River Cometh

Alright guys, it's that time of the month again. No, not for you. For her. Hoist the curtains, batten down the freezers, and get ready to ride the storm out. While we'd love to be able to simply call it a week, go crash at a buddy's house and pretend that the whole thing was just a horrible dream, as men it is our solemn duty to deal with this situation. The fairer sex, a bastion of love and joy, has gone insane. Here's a quick guide to survive the bloody battle axe wound.

The Pre-Game: Days before the dam breaks, you will start to see signs of the impending doom. Your significant other will show signs of wear-and-tear. Take this time to prepare. Wrap up any loose arguments, pack the fridge with all her favorite snacks. If she's "on a diet" (female codewords for "I want to eat everything covered in chocolate but I don't want you to point it out.") then God help you. Ask a female co-worker to buy you some Midol and a John Grisham novel. Throw in $5 so she can get her hair "did".

Step 1: Fights! Foot-Rubs! No Action!

The lights dim, thunder rolls over the sky, a lone vulture sweeps overhead. The door opens. She stands with legs at shoulder-width, holding a magazine. "Why do you have to put the damn magazines on the back of the toilet? I put the wicker basket there for a reason! In fact, why the fuck do you have to read in the bathroom in the first place, I mean blah blah blood blah..." It's happened. No turning back, no leaving to go for "something at the store". Time to employ the Three Ps: Pretend, Pander, and aPpease.
Pretend you care about what she says: "I'm so sorry, baby. I guess I just didn't notice."
Pander to her feelings: "I really shouldn't be so inconsiderate when you do so much for us."
Appease her with something she likes: "Here, let me make it up to you. How about we watch The Bridges of Madison County...together."
It may seem severe, but a good stiff drink or five will make any chick-flick seem like a Jenna Jameson orgy. For the cause!

Step 2: Misdirection

General Patton once said, "No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. You won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country." If you have picked up on any of her ramblings about her enemies, you hopefully remembered at least one name. Use it. When she's upset that you left the seat up or that you used her Massengil to kill off that anthill in the front yard, drop in a "How's <insert name> doing?" If nothing else, it will buy you enough time to proceed to...

Step 3: Buy Her Off

Women are material creatures. Anything shiny, that costs a month's salary and has no external use other than to show off to her fat friends, is fair game. If you know you're going into a fight, any good soldier goes prepared. After work (and the strip club), make a stop to a jewelry store. After making a big-ass deal over their prices, go to Wal-Mart. Great prices, earthy atmosphere, and a good place to stock up. Ask the homely granny behind the counter "for something that would make the love of my life feel as special as I know she is." Try not to vomit.

In the end, no one can escape the Red Beast. All you can do is prepare. Remember the Three Ps. When in trouble, misdirect her estrogen-induced anger. Buy her shit. In the end, we all know who's the sane one in the relationship, and as GI Joe taught us "Knowing is half the battle."

Yo Joe!
Click to expand...


This should be submitted to that Worst Case Scenario book
 
Fat Burger said:
I thought our code word for sex was Taco Bell?

You know, "Hey, let's stop off for some Taco Bell on the way home".
Click to expand...

I knew I should have been suspicious all those time you offered me a bite of your chalupa.
 
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