i agree here. do you really want to be responsible for adding fuel to the already too-big fire?
Is there a point at which you can be to mean?
- Thread starter HifiGirly
- Start date
i agree here. do you really want to be responsible for adding fuel to the already too-big fire?
I think Kiwi does a very good job of reigning in my mean streak. When she's not around I'm much more likely to go off and hurt someone's feelings than I would were she there to let me know it's a bad idea.
Though sometimes I wish I were allowed to tear into people who (IMO) deserve it.
Though sometimes I wish I were allowed to tear into people who (IMO) deserve it.
I think you should sit Hydro down and set shit straight. She is his mother. Let him do the heavy lifting. Have him tell her not to be there and why: the facts and the truth... do not enable her any more. After a second child I think you are entitled... but you are only going to get what you insist on. (I guess I am a little surprised at the fact you haven't made him deal with her yet; but, be that as it may, it's his job!).
On the other hand, I just don't think you can expect people to sit on the pregnancy news... that just doesn't happen.
Best of luck
On the other hand, I just don't think you can expect people to sit on the pregnancy news... that just doesn't happen.
Best of luck
It shouldn't happen when you point blank asked that it wasn't told. That's not something that happens everyday. She may never get that chance again.
I would be fuming.
its your baby, your major operation, if you don't want her there (and she's the type that'd show up even when you tell her not too), then use the excuse.
maybe it's mean to say "oops, i was so excited i forgot the date" but meh...
maybe it's mean to say "oops, i was so excited i forgot the date" but meh...
I hear you. I guess I am very forgiving on something like that. But I can tell you that it sure seems that a certain husband needs to get his shit together and go deal with his mother. I wonder if his mother has any idea at all how she comes across? It appears like he never confronts her behavior at all. His mother is now no longer number one in his life.
He needs to set her straight; and, when he tells her, he needs to say that the feelings and ideas are his, not his wife's. To do otherwise is lame.
I agree with you on this...hydro needs to step up and take one for the team because it's his mom
she pulls shit all the time. Ive learned to ignore it over the years, but Hifi is new to the whole thing. My moms mind is severely messed up from being in pain and on pain killers for the past 20 years (and she tends to lash out). Bi-polar, depression you name it. Basically her body is falling apart and the medication is killing her mind. Im not one to start arguments over trivial things, but i will stand up for my wife and son. She just keeps pushing and pushing and i honestly think she doesnt realize what it does to the others around her. Its a constant battle, and the reason we really dont see my family except for holidays and the rare meal, although she does watch our son a couple days a week since we cant afford constant daycare (another fun situation). She knows I already have one foot out the door with her and her life. I cant abandon her completely for the sake of my dad, whos a great guy and a role model for me.
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i have no problem telling my mom to get bent and im over feeling bad for making her cry. she has problems she needs to deal with and not pass them off on us. Ive kicked Hifi's family out of our home before, so ive got no problem telling mine where to go.extremely late September or early October.
oh... and my mom is so off kilter, she told my sister Hifi was almost 5 months pregnant. Thats a far cry more than 12 weeks, which we told her.
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well, it IS a different situation when you are dealing with someone who's got mental issues. and -- bottom line -- she's still your mother, and that's not something easily dismissed.
i wish things were different for you, for you, and for your family, but it sounds like the road ahead will forever be challenging. you and tish will just have to stick to your guns, lead your own lives, and be able to stand tall, regardless of the unfair treatment. easier said than done, i know, but maybe time will make it easier to do.
well, it IS a different situation when you are dealing with someone who's got mental issues. and -- bottom line -- she's still your mother, and that's not something easily dismissed.
i wish things were different for you, for you, and for your family, but it sounds like the road ahead will forever be challenging. you and tish will just have to stick to your guns, lead your own lives, and be able to stand tall, regardless of the unfair treatment. easier said than done, i know, but maybe time will make it easier to do.
my sister had it even worse. She and her now husband had their first kid at 16. My mom really got invasive with their lives. By this point i had already shut out the world and went into a shell so im not sure on all the details, but my sis ended up living over at her mans house with his parents before moving out. And after they moved out, my mom tried to be controlling of their lives. It took them a few years, but they basically told her to go to hell, its their life and children and she has no say in their matters. i think that has made it a little easier on us dealing with my mom, since she knew she couldnt be all invasive, but god knows she tried.
At my sisters first place, her and hubby came home one day to all of their stuff all over the yard and my mom in their house re-organizing everything.
It doesnt help them that my parents have helped them financially with thousands of dollars over the years (over 30g's) and my mom tries to hold things like that over peoples head. I dont like getting gifts or asking for things from them.I think if I ever came home to that, that person would become a permanent resident under the concrete in my basement.
I don't even like people putting up my groceries ...
.That's really, really rough. I guess I don't have to tell you that you need to do everything within your power to remove your mother's negative impact on your wife, everything.
If you can do that, perhaps you can work with your father (and any other siblings and relatives) to get some more specific help for your mother. You know, the greatest gift you could give her is the gift of 'balance' that would allow her to spend many happy years with her grandchildren. This current course looks almost like an unfolding potential horror. With her current struggles, I would not let her watch young children, ever. If her condition is getting worse, she could snap and harm them; no money issues would let me put a young child at risk. You would never forgive yourself if something happened. A single lapse in judgment by her, like leaving a medicine or a dangerous chemical where the child could get it, is all it would take.
Although my problem was not nearly as bad as yours, I had my aging mother live with my family for a few months. She was taking medication and had emotional issues. Needless to say, my marriage was starting to go south. I made it my number one goal to get the right medical help and find her a place of her own, with security and proximity to medical assistance. Every day I worked on the problem. After a few weeks of work, I found her a place and the right medical help. The result was many years of contentment for her and a great positive experience with my two sons.
Man, I know its tough; but I would really, really get to work on it - not just tolerate or ignore it. You have my best wishes.
But maybe his working on it is to stand back, let the blast happen, and be far enough away to avoid shrapnel.
One thing I absolutely will not tolerate is guilt trips; hanging things over people's heads. If you do this as daily business you deserve to be left alone to wallow in misery. If his mom does this to anyone, stay far away from her and warn others about her.
Hifi, simply from you saying your first was highly stressful partly because of his mom, I say tell her to bugger off for the second without remorse. Tell her she should feel privileged you even mentioned you were having another one. If she wants to be involved, let her know you will make the decision on how much she will be allowed to be involved.
and good luck to you both. And hifi, stop getting pregnant so we can go out for drinks sometime 
But maybe his working on it is to stand back, let the blast happen, and be far enough away to avoid shrapnel.
One thing I absolutely will not tolerate is guilt trips; hanging things over people's heads. If you do this as daily business you deserve to be left alone to wallow in misery. If his mom does this to anyone, stay far away from her and warn others about her.
Hifi, simply from you saying your first was highly stressful partly because of his mom, I say tell her to bugger off for the second without remorse. Tell her she should feel privileged you even mentioned you were having another one. If she wants to be involved, let her know you will make the decision on how much she will be allowed to be involved.
Okay, but that is not the most immediate issue here: a person with these mental problems should not be babysitting children. I can't conceive of the potential anguish that is just waiting around the corner.
Unless of course, the issue has been over stated and all we really have is a pushy mother-in-law who takes medication. Only the people involved know the truth. But if she is what it appears she is... well, never let a young child in her care. The person who does so, knowing her problems, is equally culpable if something happens; and something will happen.
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shes not institutional crazy. but her meds have messed with her head in the fact that she cant control her emotions some times.
The short version: It all started in '86 when a disk in her neck exploded inwards into her spine. She was paralyzed from the waste down for a bit, but eventually was able to walk again. Every so often, the nerves in her leg would wake up, causing a pain that she describes as "when your leg wakes up, you get that tingling feeling that makes it not too present to move your leg. multiply that pain by 1000 and that what she goes through". Eventually this feeling lasted with her almost all the time, so the docs doped her up real good.
She got better for a bit, went to college in the early 90's became a teacher and worked for 7 years before her body began to give out.
Her immune system is shot, so she lost a toe to cellulites, but the infection didnt go away completely and fights that. Her toes eventually began to curl under her feet, so she had pins put in. She wears leg braces to help her ankles when shes out and about. A cage was put in her neck around her spine to keep the vertebra in place. Now a days, shes losing feeling in her fingers and more bulging disks were found in her neck and lower back.
Her emotional issues stem from not living the life she wants to live. She was always the socialite. A go go goer. Full of energy and pep and it kills her she cant do everything she wants to do. Shes stuck at home alone most of the time since my dad still works and all of her babies are out of the nest. Im sure there are other underlying issues, but i dont know everything.
The meds make her a bit unstable when it comes to dealing with people. Shes pushy, crass and is the im always right person. Shes also alienated her friends, which compound the problem. When shes in pain, she is downright nasty (which i inherited, and try to keep in check), and she realizes it hurts the people around her, but she doesnt do anything about it untill confronted. Then she just breaks down and crys, because she knows what she did was wrong, she just cant control it some days. And she does keep herself in check a lot. She has very high willpower and never complains about hurting.
Its a very complicated situation. She loves all her grand kids and i think its the only thing that keeps her going some days. I trust her to watch our son, since a 2 year old doesnt require to be coodeled and coddled. I know she would never do anything to hurt him. But i have reservations about having her watch our second when Hifi goes back to work. I know she can look after a 6 week old, but with the recent goings on with her condition, im not so sure i would feel comfortable with her watching the baby. She would never hurt it on purpose, but accidents do happen. And if her arms gave out while she was carrying my child and he/she got hurt, i would never forgive myself or my mom.
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