I'm Horny for Halo!!!!!

fly

Osharts 11
Oct 1, 2004
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mattressfish
ChikkenNoodul said:
Yarrr, that be blocked cap'n

The Shittiest Hook-up Ever

by Tucker Max



One night when I was living in Austin, I hung out with a girl that I met through the site. Once we got together, the conversation eventually turned to the two topics that all my conversations are about: sex and me.


She told me she’d only been with two guys in her life. This was not because she didn’t like hooking up, but rather because she is afraid of hooking up. Apparently, she has a very weak immune system, takes forever to get over a sickness, and claimed that a VD could possibly kill her. Not just something like AIDS mind you, which can kill us all, but shit like genital herpes or chlamydia could knock her off.


I tell her to immediately get away from me. I am almost certainly a supercarrier and she shouldn’t even touch me, much less fuck me. I go so far as to tell her that I won’t hook up with her even if she wants it, because even though every test I have ever taken has come back clean, I can’t have it on my conscience that I killed a girl because I gave her some random VD that I don’t even know I had.


We ended up getting pretty drunk on Jaeger bombs and she came home with me [like that was hard to predict]. We started hooking up, and she took off my clothes and her top, but refused to remove her jeans. What?


She said she had some injury or something, but she wouldn’t elaborate on what it was and would not remove her pants no matter what. She did have a bandage on her hip and I could sort of see it sticking out of her jeans, so I just let it go at first.


We made out some more and she got more into it. After her initial reticence, she decided she did want to have sex with me, despite her "injury" and risk of death from HPV. OK, great, let’s get to it.


Is it ever that easy for me? Well, yeah, most of the time it is, but I wouldn’t write a story about it if it was just normal fucking, now would I?


She started to take off her pants, but told me that she had to let me in on a little issue she has before sex…


She began by telling me that she has Crohns Disease. I told her I knew what it was, a friend of mine has it [in short, it is a degenerative disease of the colon]. Well, hers is pretty advanced and she kept dancing around the issue until, all of the sudden, it hit me:


“That’s not a bandage on your hip is it? OH-MY-GOD!”


Great Holy Mother of Jesus, this girl had a fucking colostomy bag.


Let me repeat: A COLOSTOMY BAG.


In case you are lost here, let me give you the Webster’s Medical Dictionary definition of colostomy bag: “A bag worn over an artificial anus to collect feces.” Yes, you read that right.


The girl had a tube coming out of a small hole about three inches to the left of her belly button, and emptying into a bag, about the size of small Ziploc sandwich bag, that was bandaged to her hip. I shit you not, there was a BAG FULL OF POOP--LITERALLY HUMAN SHIT-TAPED TO HER HIP.


As you may imagine, this was quite the shock, even for me. I tried to be cool about it. I told her it was no big deal, that everyone has issues, hers just happened to be more out in the open than most, and that I would support her…alright, who am I bullshitting? I laughed like a fucking hyena, right in her face. I mean come on, the girl has a bag of shit on her hip. What do you want from me? Caring? Compassion? Thanks, but we’re sold out.


I immediately ask about the first thing that came to my mind:


"So if your shit in a bag, can we have buttsex and not have to worry about getting poop on my penis?"


Then she dropped another daisy-cutter on me: HER ASSHOLE HAD BEEN SEWN SHUT.


I rolled her over and immediately stuck my finger down there. Lo and behold, THERE WAS NO ASSHOLE. She didn’t have an asshole! It was just all crack, from top to bottom!


She told me that since she never used it, her asshole was sown shut to prevent infection. I couldn’t hold off anymore. Sex be damned, there was funny to be had here:


Tucker "You don’t have an asshole? So I guess opinions aren’t like assholes.”
Girl "Very funny.”
Tucker "I could literally fuck the shit out of you couldn’t I? I could fuck your shit right into that bag. Would I see it filling up if I go too hard?”
Girl "Tucker…”
Tucker "What happens if I’m too vigorous? Will the shit hit the fan?”
Girl "Well--“
Tucker "You’re only a two holer! I couldn’t even three hole you if I tried!”


She explained that she could do anything any other girl could do, she just had to be careful. Not wanting to lose the opportunity to mark a new type of handicap off my Sexual To-Do List, I coaxed her back into a romantic mood. Just as we started hooking up again, she whispered,


“Be gentle, you don’t want this thing to break.”
 

fly

Osharts 11
Oct 1, 2004
71,447
23,205
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mattressfish
Onnotangu said:
So I should Not mod My box. :shifty:

As long as you don't put an hard drive in it, they still can't tell. The chips are invisible, unless they are active...
 
S

smileynev

Guest
So yeah. So far I like it. Not quite as awe inspiring as the first, but still fun. And clan "Useless" has already been registered...:(
 
S

smileynev

Guest
theacoustician said:
When I can pick it up for $25-30 for the PC, I'll bite. Till then, not worth it.
I need another name for a clan. Something catchy and fear inspiring.
 
S

smileynev

Guest
ChikkenNoodul said:
"The Funzie Gang"
hmmm, they do allow clan symbols on your character. But I don't think they have any clowns in mayo jars.
 

bast_imret

Erect Member
Oct 26, 2004
5,219
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41
theacoustician said:
When I can pick it up for $25-30 for the PC, I'll bite. Till then, not worth it.

of course the fact that you don't have an xbox has nothing to do with that :shifty:

Though when you get one let me know so we can go dutch on a copy of Steel Battalion :cool: