FYI If you wanted to fight a bear what would be your strategy?

water

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For the sake of argument say you get kidnapped by some angry latin dudes and they make you fight people and animals for their amusement and gambling.

So far you've knocked out a chicken, a cat, two lizards (tag team), an Iranian guy, a Scottish Terrier, and one of those boxing Kangaroos (whatever happened to those anyway?) without too much trouble. Then today you get tossed into the ring with a good sized black bear. The bear has been de-clawed and has a muzzle on so you aren't going to get your flesh shredded, so it's just a muscle grudge match.

How do you defeat the bear?

Me, I would wear him down and aggravate him with fast movements and attacks to the head. You can't wrestle a bear, that's madness, so you have to stick and move. You can't hurt him in the body because bears are fat, that is science, so you'd have to hit him the head repeatedly, maybe knee him and kick him a bit when he's down.
 

Mean Mr. Mustard

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I would dash around behind it, and jab my finger into its asshole
Then repeat this process over and over, until the bear is scared of me and just avoids me.
Then I would lay down and take a nap.
 

water

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I would dash around behind it, and jab my finger into its asshole
Then repeat this process over and over, until the bear is scared of me and just avoids me.
Then I would lay down and take a nap.

Ah, the old "oil checker gambit", classic.
 

Domon

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I would dash around behind it, and jab my finger into its asshole
Then repeat this process over and over, until the bear is scared of me and just avoids me.
Then I would lay down and take a nap.

why use your finger when you're already back there
 

water

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Wait, just so were clear, you mean the animal bear, not the hairy gay dude , right?
Because this may affect my previous stated strategy...

A real bear, like Paddington Bear but more ferocious maybe, not like a dude in leather.
 

Mr. Argumentor

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Am I correct in remembering that bears have trouble turning around quickly?

I doubt a bear would try to roll if something was on its back, so if I could get around behind it I might be able to get it in some sort of choke hold...

Wait, is this the plot to the new Jason Statham movie?
 

water

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Am I correct in remembering that bears have trouble turning around quickly?

I doubt a bear would try to roll if something was on its back, so if I could get around behind it I might be able to get it in some sort of choke hold...

Wait, is this the plot to the new Jason Statham movie?

Bears are basically just dogs except bigger and with more laziness. Dogs can turn around fairly quickly, given proper conditions, so it stands to reason that a bear could too. How else would they catch salmon?
 

Domon

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im pretty sure even declawed and muzzled a bear would flat out murder your ass.

Ever seen a declawed cat take a swipe at a mouse? They knock them out or kill em without any effort simple with the force of the swipe. A bear would do the same to you.
 

Mr. Argumentor

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im pretty sure even declawed and muzzled a bear would flat out murder your ass.

Ever seen a declawed cat take a swipe at a mouse? They knock them out or kill em without any effort simple with the force of the swipe. A bear would do the same to you.

Slightly different mass ratio between a human and bear and a mouse and a cat. Also I missed, it are we talking about grizzly, black, or polar bear?
 

Mean Mr. Mustard

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im pretty sure even declawed and muzzled a bear would flat out murder your ass.

Ever seen a declawed cat take a swipe at a mouse? They knock them out or kill em without any effort simple with the force of the swipe. A bear would do the same to you.


Quit bein a pussy and find a way to fight that bear!
 

august

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Do I get a real sword, or a tourney sword?

If it's the former, I fuck his shit up. If it's the latter, sit tight and wait for Jaime to save me.