I solve problems - A job idea by KNYTE

water

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Oct 29, 2004
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So being jobless (but still for the time being getting paid) has given me some time to think lately, a dangerous passtime I know, but yesterday I had an epiphany:

What if I put an add in the paper that says "I solve problems, call me at *my phone number"

What kind of problems you ask? All kinds of problems I'd say.

Got a nasty employee who is your cousin and you don't want to fire them because you're also sleeping with them? Call me, I'll tell them not to let the door knob hit them on the way out, and that hard sex is not always good sex.

Have an issue with a ex-boy/girlfriend harassing you? I've got a .45 and a good shovel, I'm your man.

So you've got a man at the top of a high rise building threatening to jump if his wife doesn't stop having affairs? No problem, I'll either convince him that suicide is his only course, or I'll tell his estranged spouse to stop being a whore and do the right thing. Either way, you'll get closure.

Now good people of Useless I ask that you give me your opinions on this matter, and also give me mock-problem-scenarios for me to solve as practice.

Ready

Set

GO!
 
Astronaut cuisine is going haute. A NASA draft report reveals the agency's plans to grow food on a mission to Mars, both as an oxygen supply and as a break from dehydrated, irradiated, thermostablized meals. The roster of approved crops reads like a Californian's grocery list: endive, lentils, chickpeas, swiss chard .… There are a few parameters for preparation (no gravity or fire allowed).

What sorts of recipes should I come up with to feed the crew?
 
So you'll be like Dr. Phil, except rougher around the edges, better looking, and way less successful
 
Sarcasmo said:
Astronaut cuisine is going haute. A NASA draft report reveals the agency's plans to grow food on a mission to Mars, both as an oxygen supply and as a break from dehydrated, irradiated, thermostablized meals. The roster of approved crops reads like a Californian's grocery list: endive, lentils, chickpeas, swiss chard .… There are a few parameters for preparation (no gravity or fire allowed).

What sorts of recipes should I come up with to feed the crew?

I would tell those sissies to stop being wussy and take a cow on the flight. Make a pad of grass in the shuttle for the cow to eat, milk it, then half-way there slaughter it and have steaks.

What good American has ever regularly eaten vegetables and no red meat for long periods of time? I mean seriously, who?
 
Sarcasmo said:
Astronaut cuisine is going haute. A NASA draft report reveals the agency's plans to grow food on a mission to Mars, both as an oxygen supply and as a break from dehydrated, irradiated, thermostablized meals. The roster of approved crops reads like a Californian's grocery list: endive, lentils, chickpeas, swiss chard .… There are a few parameters for preparation (no gravity or fire allowed).

What sorts of recipes should I come up with to feed the crew?
you joke on me about being unpopular and you read wired magazine?
 
KNYTE said:
I would tell those sissies to stop being wussy and take a cow on the flight. Make a pad of grass in the shuttle for the cow to eat, milk it, then half-way there slaughter it and have steaks.

What good American has ever regularly eaten vegetables and no red meat for long periods of time? I mean seriously, who?
I dunno man, theac is pretty stringy, like a green bean
 
elpmis said:
So you'll be like Dr. Phil, except rougher around the edges, better looking, and way less successful

I certainly won't say things like "If there's no love in your marriage than you have a marriage without love." if that's what you mean.

The highest level of my problem-solving prowess will be to just start pistol whipping everyone in sight until the issue resolves itself.
 
KNYTE said:
I certainly won't say things like "If there's no love in your marriage than you have a marriage without love." if that's what you mean.

The highest level of my problem-solving prowess will be to just start pistol whipping everyone in sight until the issue resolves itself.
you should listen to Dennis Leary's "No Cure For Cancer" - he has this bit kind of like yours except he takes it down to the bare grassroots and simply tells everyone to "Shut the fuck up"
 
elpmis said:
you joke on me about being unpopular and you read wired magazine?


bahahahaha I thought to myself as I posted that "If anyone knows where the fuck this is from, it will be elpmis."
 
Sarcasmo said:
bahahahaha I thought to myself as I posted that "If anyone knows where the fuck this is from, it will be elpmis."
I'm the biggest closet nerd on this damn forum, no question
 
elpmis said:
My problem: Bubbles refuses to be a stripper and I want her to be a stripper. What do I do?

Use the "you've got the goods but do you have the balls" motivation tactic. If that doesn't work try blackmail or threatening her family.
 
KNYTE said:
I would tell those sissies to stop being wussy and take a cow on the flight. Make a pad of grass in the shuttle for the cow to eat, milk it, then half-way there slaughter it and have steaks.

What good American has ever regularly eaten vegetables and no red meat for long periods of time? I mean seriously, who?

Wouldn't it be way easier to just bring a bunch of milk and steaks along on the space-ship?
 
Sarcasmo said:
Remember, no fire or gravity for cooking.

Oh yeah... of only someone could invent a way to cook things without fire. Maybe if they ran electricity through some sort of resistant material that was also good at conducting heat. Naah... that's crazy talk. They'll just have to rub two steaks together in order to cook 'em.