i need some help.

T

Thorn Bird

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May 24, 2005
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spange and i have a friend who is now a widow and a single father of an eight-year-old. his wife died almost a year ago from complications with cystic fibrosis. she was a close friend of mine, and i just don't know what to do. i know that she would want SOMEone to be able to help and i don't have a clue.

"gus" has totally lost it. he doesn't care about anything or anyone, including his own daughter. he has new, bad friends who come and go, spend the night over at the house...he gets drunk constantly and has had two DUIs in the past month. god knows what else he could be doing...drugs were an issue years ago for him, before he met and married "betsy." she was the best thing that ever happened to him, and now that she's gone, i honestly think he's waiting to die himself. he's so blinded with grief, depression, emptiness and fear that he can't even care for his own daughter...and i know he loves her very much. he doesn't even believe in himself or know how to handle this that he is waiting for someone to take her away from him because he knows he's no good for her. she has slept in her closet because she was so scared of some guy that has slept over before. what the fuck does that mean?

so WHAT DO I DO? i know his daughter is terrified and lost and losing trust in her own father, and all the while trying to grieve for the loss of her mother. i know gus ultimately does not want what he's doing, but nothing can reach him. our friends have screamed, threatened, cried, offered help, whatever they can to get to him. he refuses any treatment or any kind of help. if he doesn't stop NOW he's going to lose it all, and i don't know what that will do to him. he's a good guy who has lost his world and is about to sacrifice the other one. i can't bear this and i am totally lost in how to help. does anyone have any suggestions for this? who can i go to professionally that might be able to help? what can i do for her? can he be put away in a rehab program against his will? i am so scared and so upset i can't even think straight. it makes me sick.
 
fuck him, he'll come through it.

just make sure someones there for the daughter... offer to take her whenever she's frightened of some guy crashing on the couch.
 
Talk with him and explain you think she could use a positive female figure in her life and try to get her to do a few things with you and talk with her some. After doing that sit down and talk with him saying she had these concerns and as a friend you'd like to talk it out with him.
 
This is a tough one. I'm not a behavioral specialist, but he seems to be displaying the fact that he was never interested in being a dad in the first place. A lot of guys smile and go through the motions, but ultimately lack a true paternal bond. The kids are annoying and they'd rather hang out with their buddies.

At the moment I don't have an answer, but I look forward to insight from people like Sarah and Kiwi. And Floptical, who by all appearances is a doting single dad. Or was single for a while, at least. I am doubting your friend's affection for his daughter though, since if I were in his position I would assume both roles and become that much more protective. It should be instinct to do so, right? Your spouse was your love, but your child is part of you and needs you. This is a pretty sad situation.
 
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This situation sucks, most especially for the girl, since she really can't do anything about it. And if he doesn't straighten up, she's going to be thrust into a world where very few of the people reponsible for her will care for her, and those issues won't leave a pretty scar behind on her soul.

In the end, the only way the child can be saved is for someone loving to come in and petition the court for custody. It will be an ugly fight, and whomever does it will pretty much loose all contact with the father.

As for the father. He's shut off and shut down. The only one who can help him at this time is himself. If his love for his daughter doesn't do it, then nothing anyone outside will even phase him.
 
Also, I'd beat his fuckin' ass. Assuming there is an afterlife and God exists and his wife's soul still lives on somewhere, imagine how she'd feel seeing her husband abandon their daughter like that. The only parent that kid has left, essentially her last source of hope and love and protection and he has betrayed her in a self-absorbed pity party. I hate people. They're just so goddamn useless.
 
Where are the grandparents? Aunts? Uncles? Anyone?

I've dealt with parents so self absorbed within their own hell not only do they not consider their responsibility to nurture a child but rather they depend upon the child to nurture them. It sounds to me like this guy is so consumed he's waiting to self-destruct, and probably thinks that he's no good for his kid anyway and is using his actions toward her and his neglect to fuel his own self-loathing.

Guy needs a reality check. Death happens and life goes on. I really don't see what being loving and understanding toward this guy is going to accomplish, he needs to be kicked in the pants and told to WAKE UP. I'm not sure whose place it is to say this, which is why I wonder about the family.. but if it was me and it was my good friend, I'd dish out some tough love and at least try to get this guy's act back together.

If he's not going to get his act together, definately call on the family. I really don't know what I would have done growing up if I didn't have grandparents, aunts and uncles to turn to. I probably would have ended up in foster homes and shit, we had DCFS called on us a couple of times and let me tell you.. that is NOT the way you want to go.
 
Awwww, sorry to hear that Thorn. Sounds like a very hard situation, I would probably consider talking to some councilors that you can trust for him(if he wont). Find out how they would handle it, try to do the same. Sure it wont be easy whatever you do, good luck hun!
 
getting relatives involved would be a very good idea if at all possible.



...one thing that really bugs me, he really let sleemen sleepover??
 
thanks, y'all. :heart: i have no idea how to handle this one.

gus' parents are out of the question. they are a little bloopy in the head. betsy's parents are a definite possibility. i know they are very concerned and overwhelmed and feel helpless. i don't know what the behind-the-scenes are for them, but i have a feeling they would take her. i just wonder if they even know if they can. i don't know that myself.

i like the idea of them petitioning the court to take over. i just don't see how there's any good, easy answer, and it's all going to cause a lot of heartbreak. course, the present situation is not the answer, either.

i can't get this off my mind, and i really appreciate y'all's input. :heart: :heart:
 
Thorn Bird said:
thanks, y'all. :heart: i have no idea how to handle this one.

gus' parents are out of the question. they are a little bloopy in the head. betsy's parents are a definite possibility. i know they are very concerned and overwhelmed and feel helpless. i don't know what the behind-the-scenes are for them, but i have a feeling they would take her. i just wonder if they even know if they can. i don't know that myself.

i like the idea of them petitioning the court to take over. i just don't see how there's any good, easy answer, and it's all going to cause a lot of heartbreak. course, the present situation is not the answer, either.

i can't get this off my mind, and i really appreciate y'all's input. :heart: :heart:
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While I will cut "gus" a little slick. Because I know what hell my father went through. When my mother was dying from pulmonary cystic fibrosis. It's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. However it's no reason to be treating his daughter like this.

I have a friend who became a grandmother last July. Unfortunately her son (19) is an irresponsible idiot and the birth mother (17) isn't any better. At first she tried to get them to be responsible adults. However that didn't work. So she took temporary custody of her grandson. Finally she went to court in order to get full custody. She had to do it in order to her grandson on her medical plan. Unfortunately the birth mother fought her so that the birth mother could play a mother but not take the full responsibility of one. The birth mother gets supervised visits twice a month.

See if betsy's parents are willing to take temporary/full custody of their grand child.

:heart::heart::heart::(:(
 
I would definitely try and get the grandparents to take temporary custody. Maybe after she is gone, her dad will realize that he really does need/want his daughter and will make the necessary changes to provide her a loving worthwhile home. From what you've said, leaving the daughter in the home is only going to turn into a nightmare for her. I can't imagine what kind of abuse/rape would end up happening with some random drunk/drugged up friend over for the night. She needs a stable home and someone there to help her grieve and get through this, her needs are top priority, not the dad's at this point. He has to help himself, but the daughter needs someone to take care of her.
 
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