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NSFW I have spent way too much time w 30 Rock paused...

Discussion in 'useless chatter' started by shawndavid, Sep 24, 2010.

  1. I jut proofread this piece of shit, some of it's funny and some is dumb as hell. I had a funny musing 30 mins ago and it turned into this turd, but I feel worse deleting it than sharing.

    Imagine a small suburb outside of Detroit...middle class white kids uncomfortably riding the far side of the NWA wave. Fuck thah POH-lice. Yeah, you know...We got ridges shaved in our heads...and Capri Sun, son! Dat's how we DO! Better be good with a house key on a plasti-metal pouch if you inadvertently bend the straw, muthuh uckuh...

    It's Thursday in 1985 and a young Zac sits and rubs his battle-weary acorn, wondering when Ultima IV comes out.

    [dream sequence: weird, wavy time lapse including Dozers from Fraggle Rock eating cotton candy while riding miniature cows and Bristol Palin blowing Barack Obama]

    After waking from a dream in which Harlan from Chips fixed KITT, Zac realizes he needs a lady in his life.

    As the dusty box from the attic suggests, this is "Stuff zac room"...and Zac intends to get to the bottom of it.

    Frayed duct tape splits and pops...little plastic balls surface...Capsela never looked so sexy...and the wiry Zac got busy...who knew three whole sets of Capsela could make a pint-sized woman skeleton? His mission is clear...Zac has not yet culled the skin from the right forearm of every six million dollar man action figure in the 313 area code, but he will...and his collection and subsequent union from which he would later create a rubber arm skin unitard will later serve as muse for Silence of the Lambs' Jame "Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me hard" Gumb. But I digress...

    The Capsela pixie...

    She sleeps for a long time. Zac saunters through Pong and Pitfall an odd obsession with Activision's late dealings with Atari. Then the people at Commodore steam his visor with their enigmatic and Spartan VIC20. He types code and saves it on cassette tapes. He types for days. He makes balls bounce around his mother's console television. His grandparent's praise his genius. "He'll be a Star Ship Captain!" Nana gushes, but the Capsela girl calls to him, "Stop trying to beat your high score on Jupiter Lander..." she whispers, "Jupiter's gaseous, you idiot...there is no place to land..."

    One morning, Zac wakes up with new found resolve. He throws away his pen with the girl whose bikini disappears when he inverts it...and he picks up a Bic erasable pen. And he throws that away for a clicking mechanical pencil, which, by the way, causes more anger-related murders in 1985 due to unjust personal expectations regarding the structural integrity of thin stalks of graphite...

    Fuck... Zac is fucking lame...

    And then he swaddles the six million dollar man skin around the girl and tells her gay jokes in Klingon. And she laughs...Perhaps at his early choice in collared shirts.

    Multi-colored vertical stripes? On that tall glass of strawberry milk? For realz?

    But she can't walk on her own. The world had long since stopped manufacturing D batteries. It was hopeless.

    Though motionless - which is fine with him - he got her to speak, using small block V8 engines and pork drippings as the catalyst. And he finally got her to say..."maybe."

    "Please..." he said, "Pretend you're a girl, but don't let anyone know that I fuck you in the ass..."

    "I may..."

    "OK...you can let them know I fuck you in the ass...but PLEASE don't make it an issue..."

    "I may..."

    "I beg of you...you're the only entity I've ever had sex with who looks like a woman...please don't tell my friends...that I'm...that I'm..."

    "I may, Zac...I may, Zac...may Zac...may zac...ma..."


    It became self aware in April.
     
  2. so touching. tears were shed
     
  3. Damn you, Ron Bacardi!
     
  4. wow....i.....uhhhhh......wow
     
  5. That was frightening level of detail. OMFG I don't even know who Harlan is, asshole

    You gotta lay off the K2 man...

    :lol:
     
  6. It's funny how the Harlan topic is the only thing you claim to not get.
     
  7. :shifty:
     
  8. I'm happy this was done in Detroit.