I'm sorry, but I had to get this out of my system.
Boss: You must be Dr. Lemmon. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. You've come highly recommended.
Centaur: Well, a couple of those recommendations came from Yale men, so I hope you won't hold that against me.
Boss: [ laughs ] Well.. as you know, we're becoming a teaching hospital. Sit, please. [ he does, but the Centaur remains standing ] Our new Chief Resident will help lead that transition.
Centaur: Uh, well.. at Johns-Hopkins, I actually chaired the faculty committee that oversaw coordination between the school and the hospital.
Boss: As I said, your qualifications are most impressive.
Centaur: Thank you.
Boss: Now.. would you mind if I asked you a few questions about being a centaur?
Centaur: Please. Go ahead. Believe me, I've heard them all.
Boss: Can I ride you?
Centaur: [ chuckles ] Only if I can ride you!
Boss: [ chuckles back ] Fair enough. Moving on.. could you enter yourself in the Kentucky Derby?
Centaur: Hmm.. I don't know..
Boss: If you did.. would you have to have a little horse riding on you, like instead of a jockey?
Centaur: I.. I see what you're saying...but, again, I don't know.
Boss: Because it seems like you already have a jockey with the person part of you.
Centaur: Right...uh, are we going to discuss my medical qualifications..?
Boss: The rest of the interview will be Centaur questions. Do you have sex with horses, or with human women?
Centaur: Uh...neither. I'm really only attracted to other Centaurs.
Boss: Okay. What if were a horse with a mask of a woman on it?
Centaur: No. I mean, would you have sex with a monkey if it had a mask on?
Boss: This interview isn't about me. What if you saw a horse, but it was standing so that its head was in a barn, or something. Would you, maybe, be attracted to that horse's rear end?
Centaur: Uh...I don't...where is the head, exactly?
Boss: It's in the barn. Or behind a door or a vase or something so you can't see it.
Centaur: Uh...I might be attracted to it - briefly.
Boss: Okay. So, let's say, hypothetically, that you could have sex with the back end, and it's guranteed to be the greatest sex you ever had. But you'd never know if it was a horse or a Centaur.
Centaur: Hmm...you know, that's pretty intriguing. Uh, if I'd really never know I guess I would.
Boss: It was a horse.
Centaur: Oh, come on!
Boss: It was a horse. Deal with it. Now, could you make the back half of you into glue, and then could the person part of you use that glue to repair a bird feeder?
Centaur: Yes.
Boss: Do you dump wherever you're standing, or do you use toilets? Or do you use some magical Centaur toilet?
Centaur: We use regular bathrooms.
Boss: Do you use special Centaur toilet paper?
Centaur: Nope. We use normal toilet paper.
Boss: How do you reach back there? To wipe yourself?
Centaur: Uh, there is a device we use. It's called an Aubesian. It's a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.
Boss: So there's a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?
Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um...there's a store that's a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such. There's one on 57th Street.
Boss: I've seen that establishment. You eat steak. Is that some kind of cannibalism?
Centaur: I'm sorry, could we return to a line of questioning related to my medical qualifications?
Boss: Absolutely. Let me just find the right paperwork.. [ looks through his notes ] Um, here we go. Is there Centaur pornography?
Centaur: That is not a medical question!
Boss: Do you want this job?
Centaur: [ sighs ] Yes, there is Centaur porn.
Boss: If I were to watch Centaur porn, but with the bottom of the screen blocked out with a piece of cardboard, would I find the human halves of the female actresses appealing?
Centaur: Well, maybe. But you've got to remember that, at some point, there's gonna be a horse penis in there.
Boss: Fair enough. I think that's all the Centaur questions I have. I want to thank you for coming in, we'll be in touch.
Centaur: I appreciate it. Um...can I just ask you, did I get the job?
Boss: No. I'm sorry. We don't hire dirty Centaurs.
[ fade out ]
