Emails that I've been sending to co-workers

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water

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Oct 29, 2004
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I've become somewhat famous at work for sending goofy emails to co-workers (and my bosses) to lighten the mood. I figure our jobs are difficult enough, so if I make someone even lightly giggle for 5 minutes a day then I'm probably doing a good thing. I start the emails out with a legitimate work-related issue (which I removed for posting here) and then the last half of the email is ridiculous gibberish as you can see. It started out with one email that I actually copied from an ethug.txt and sent to Zac, the rest of them are all my own creations and are trademarked of the Super Happy Fun Time For Kyle Corporation.

The first one (to Zac)

Also, in my last life I was an Australian red-back spider. Not only were my ancestors living with criminals every day, but not only is my poison enough to make you wish you were biting your own testicles with the force of a dozen cows falling from a trampoline after jumping off of a house, but I am watching you right now. My dream is your worst nightmare, I've been around for a while and I've seen plenty of jerks like you, you're all the same. All of you jerks want to be recognized because you're good at making fun of people over the internet, but one of these days I'll find you making some chicken gumbo at your house and you'll get to find out what real pain is all about.

p.s. back down before I have to talk stuff back, you won't like it.
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Second one, I think I sent this to Zac and several others...

Anyway, if you guys could get back with me ASAP I'd appreciate it. I'm not really the type of person you want to keep waiting because I've been all over the world to places you probably don't even know the names of and seen all kinds of terrible and dangerous stuff. One time I was backpacking through Maldavaria (that's on the Twuswalian Coast in case you didn't know) with a few of my good friends and we came across a the dreaded man-eating and tree-climbing Walrus Finch, the most deadly bird in the world (that can't fly, by far the most deadly that can fly is the Screaming Blue-Headed Snarf Pigeon, but more on that later). So anyway, there we were with the Walrus Finch running around circling us and before I knew it all of my comrades were decapitated by the Finch's incredible mandibles, so I did a triple back flip and cornered it against a tree and tore it's head from its thorax and screamed in triumph. Then I roasted some marshmallows.

So yeah, any info you guys have would be appreciated,
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I sent this third one to one of my bosses (Mike), he told me later he was laughing hysterically at it...

I tried to call you earlier but you may have had to run off. I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I'm not the kind of person you want to tell to call you and leave your desk, that's just rude. One time while I was in North Korea I got a phone call from an associate who told me to come by his poisonous snake store in Pyongyang and pick up some blank CDs and a copy of Windows ME, so I headed over there but when I got there he had gone to lunch. Needless to say I was frustrated to no end. So I'm hanging out in the store, impatiently waiting for him to come back, when all of the sudden one of his prized two-headed Cobras jumped out of its tank and attacked me. A fierce close-quarter battle ensued between myself and the 30 foot monster and I was bitten several times and injected with the Cobra's acid venom. A lesser man would surely have succumbed to the poison, but luckily I was able to flex my pectoral muscles and force the poison back out of the wounds with only minimal effort. I realized then that I needed to take this beast down as soon as possible. I didn't want to kill it because it represented a substantial Won value to the owner (Won is the currency in North Korea in case you didn't know) and he would be heart-broken if he had to eat it, so I picked up an office chair which happened to be nearby and began slamming it in the both of the Cobras heads until it finally passed out. When it awoke I started hand-feeding it and after several hours the shop owner came back to find the two-headed Cobra performing tricks at my command such as "sit", "play dead", and "fetch". Then he took to me to the Waffle House next door and we had some waffles with lots of syrup. It was awesome.
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Fourth, another one to Mike and another co-worker who helped me out with something...

Thanks for the quick response and help yesterday. You guys are ok in my book, which is a good thing for you because you do not want to be on my bad side. I’ll tell you guys right now that if I wasn’t so deep into this IT game I would be doing much more dangerous and crazy stuff with my time. For example I could be running one of the largest Yakuza families in all of Japan (they keep asking me to come back and offering me all kinds of free sushi and stuff), but instead I’m deep into this IT game, because I love it. I love the long hours, the low pay, the total lack of respect, and the glazy-eyed and bored look I get whenever I tell someone what I do for a living. THAT STUFF MAKES ME HAPPY INSIDE. I do it for the pride guys, the P-R-I-D-E. If I could carry a huge flag on my back that said “IT” like some feudal Japanese samurai warrior claiming his birthright I would do it, because I love this IT game.

Don’t fail me again. Wait, no..thanks for the help, hugs and kisses…no…just a handshake, a good and firm handshake.

-K
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And finally, the one that I am by far the most proud of thus far. This one has supposedly been forwarded around the office to various IT departments and people I don't even know very well.

We need to get it removed asap because I don’t like disappointing my family. Yeah, that’s right, I call the people I work with my FAMILY, so what? Big whoop, wanna fight about it? All I’m saying is that people have raised concerns about having CTI on their PCs when they don’t need it, and I’m inclined to agree, so get it off there before I have to do something drastic. I don’t like having to remind you guys that I’ve been through a lot in my 28 years on this Earth and I’m not one to be trifled with. Before this job I was leading a gang of Scottish raiders across Africa looting and pillaging to our hearts’ content. We were the most feared band of kilt-wearing raiders this side of the Ganges, I will tell you. Armies from a hundred countries tried to stop us, but they were all unsuccessful. It took their combined force of 10 bajillionity-millionity-trillionity troops to finally bring us down. Not only that, but they had to employ weapons that have been condemned in your so-called “first world” societies. Weapons that have been labeled such things as “cruel”, “unusual”, or “totally pointless and incomprehensible”. I don’t want to have to tell you guys what it’s like to be looking down the barrel of a bear catapult. Yeah, that’s right, let that sink in…a BEAR CATAPULT (illustration attached). They are the most terrifying weapons ever devised by man and forged in the fires of hell by the devil himself, and I hope that none of you EVER have to see one.
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And the bearcatapult.jpg that was attached...

19648209ed8bbf20.jpg
 
The bear catapult is quite deadly, as long as the enemy doesnt counter with the honey cannons and the pick-i-nick basket grenades. Then it would be chaos.
CHAOS I SAYS!
 
I get jokes IM'd from a coworker. Here's the latest:

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought him a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.? The next day, the farmer drove up and said 'I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died last night.' 'Well, den' said Boudreaux, ' jus' give my money back, yeah. ' 'I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already.' ?'OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey.' 'What are you gonna do with him' 'I'm gon-to raffle him off.' 'You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!' 'Well dats where you wrong!! You wait you an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!' A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

'I raffled dat donkey off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made $998.' 'Didn't anyone complain?' 'Just dat guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
 
JPatrick said:
The bear catapult is quite deadly, as long as the enemy doesnt counter with the honey cannons and the pick-i-nick basket grenades. Then it would be chaos.
CHAOS I SAYS!
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There are bee bombs and ant balloons to counter those! What a tangled web we weave...
 
I'm glad to hear that somewhere out there, there are offices where it is still okay to have some fun. The last few places I've worked have been too serious and politically correct. We would have gotten reprimanded for something like what you've done because some douche would get offended by it. It's good to know that there are still some places where a sense of humor is appreciated.
 
Holy shit bunny. I was on the verge of tears from laughing so hard. That was pure awesome. Stupid crackberry wouldn't let me grab the text to forward to my buddies unfortunately. I'll grab it later on my laptop. Humor reminds me of my buddy jas101 on genmay.he signed up here but didn't dig.
 
eileenbunny said:
I'm glad to hear that somewhere out there, there are offices where it is still okay to have some fun. The last few places I've worked have been too serious and politically correct. We would have gotten reprimanded for something like what you've done because some douche would get offended by it. It's good to know that there are still some places where a sense of humor is appreciated.
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This place is totally insane and the very definition of un-PC.
 
eileenbunny said:
I'm glad to hear that somewhere out there, there are offices where it is still okay to have some fun. The last few places I've worked have been too serious and politically correct. We would have gotten reprimanded for something like what you've done because some douche would get offended by it. It's good to know that there are still some places where a sense of humor is appreciated.
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I need to clarify by saying that all of these emails actually go to my co-workers who work in the FLORIDA office. The guys in Phoenix are a bunch of dumbasses.
 
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