Dear Miss Manners....

Dear -------

It has come to my attention that you, of all people in this decrepid land of ours, are one who deals the best with the matters that have been plaguing me these past days. I do not know whether you have heard of the condition called 'Grillus Alotus' (a scientific name) or are familiar with its symptoms, but basically I cannot stop myself from throwing something, sometimes myself if there is nothing else handy, into any flame that I see. In the Land of Ash and Flame, this is a serious problem. More than once have I come home to the missus with third degree burns only to be burned by her when she asks what happened to the groceries I was supposed to bring home (and which I had thrown into the fire beforehand, obviously). Now, I do not know what you can do to help me, but I am thinking that this has subconcious connections so maybe you might be able to give me some treatment or some sort of other helpful thing?

Bah, what am I saying? You will probably just tell me to stab myself and get it over with but, you know what, I don't want to do that! I'd rather just burn things. It's so much more fu-

**the rest of this letter is badly burnt and charred beyond recognition, except for a small signature at the bottom that is barely legible**
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Fire Fighting Fanny Lover,

Look...I don't see a freaking problem here. So you like throwing things into fire...big deal! We all do! Do you think you are the only one around who likes to burn stuff? I would love to do that and you sit there complaining and whinning like it is some disorder or something. Do me a favor and don't write such words to me anymore...they hurt my freaking eyes. The fact is... that some of these lame and dilusionally weak...couldn't start a fire if they were already on fire. Most of them could not even identify what the hell a fire is. You should be glad you have at least one cell in your head to even do it. The smell of burning flesh is always appeasing. I see no problem here what so ever. As for the wife, it may do you good to just stick a rotten apple in her mouth, throw her into the flame and have a nice roasted pile of crap for dinner. At least then you will end her nagging and you even get a free meal out of the deal. Throwing junk around is a way of life and if you are good at it...then by all means, use it to your freaking advantage. Throw everything you see. Toss around those who are beneath you and the ones who are above you for that matter. Be proud that your ability to snap a neck while throwing him like a wall dart is unique. At least you have some stupid ability to boast about. Not that it really makes you look that good, but it helps you to get noticed by those who are a heck of a lot better than you at any rate. May the smell of burning flesh linger in your nostrils and bring vomit fourth your way.