More Mitch Hedberg
I looked in the Guinness book of records; they have a listing in there for Worlds Fastest Man. That fûcker's cocky. I don't recall ever racing him.
A kittin bats around a ball of yarn but what he's really saying is "You know I can't knit motherfûcker." That is one foul mouthed kitten.
I was in my hotel's shower, and I starting washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, "Body wash... BODY WASH?!?" And then I realized my hair was part of my body and I didn't even care.
# This shît is funny, why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny shît. Funny shît would be if you took a shît, and it came out looking like a... sword.
# A waiter came up to me backstage and said, "I got a joke for you." So I said, "What am I supposed to give you in return, a drink?"