College Football Week 11 (v. Sarcasm Edition)

Coqui

Piccolo Pete
Oct 14, 2004
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Columbus, OH
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This time back to ranking orders

Illinois (7-3) @ #1 Ohio State (10-0)
In another lackadaisical matchup, the Buckeyes decide to beat up on another powderpuff team. This time featuring a horrid rushing attack with ONLY the #3 rusher in the country and an extremely mobile quarterback. Given the complete lack of ability on either team, we've decided to have the marching bands duke it out instead.

Juice Williams, although incredibly mobile, tends to lack accuracy on his passes. You can expect the anemic Buckeye Defense to miss every single chance at intercepting the pass. Since it seems, the Buckeye defense used their alloted amount of sacks at the end of the season by sacking Tyler Donovan 10 times last week, The manbeast Vernon Gholston will not have his name mentioned once during the game. Todd Boeckman continues to stutter through the season posting absolutely horrid numbers that completely solidfiy him among the worst QB's out the with the likes of Dennis Dixon and Tim Tebow.

Rashard Mendenhall will continue to garner no respsect, as he only leads the Big10 in rushing with 1314 yards so far. Beanie "The Gimp" Wells continues to show how bad his ankle is by only rushing an average of 200 yards per game the past 3 games.


Real Stat of the day: Vernon Gholston gets held 40 times this game and 1 holding call will be made.

Louisianna Tech (4-5) @ #2 LSU (8-1)
After seeing this matchup, I must take back everything I said before. LSU come to this showdown with national powerhouse Louisianna Tech. Up north, when people play in state schools, it's just to get guaranteed wins. But down south, all these teams are powerhouses and aren't to be taken lightly.

Zac Champion is coming in to prove that their record means nothing. The stats speak for themselves. With More yardage, 2 less TD's and 1 less INT, he shows he's every bit as capable as Matt Flynn.

LA Tech's rushing attack is going to blow LSU away as their top two combine for 434 more yards than LSU's top two. Look out folks, I smell an upset brewing.

Real Stat of the day: LSU 63 La Tech. 14

#4 Kansas (9-0) @ Oklahoma State (5-4)
Jabba the Hutt takes his team to Stillwater, OK to battle the Ohio State University..........I mean the Oregon State University...........I mean the Oklahoma State University Cowboys. Obviously due to the records and neither team being the SEC, this is clearly a matter of both teams sucking (one being undefeated because they've played no one, the other because they have 4 losses)

Todd Reesing is coming in with a sore arm after throwing for 354 yards and 6 TD's against Oklahoma. Zac Robinson will come in depressed after throwing for 430 yards and 2 TD's in a loss against Texas.

Brandon McAnderson will again split time with Jake Sharp and hope to run right through the Cowboys defense. Dantrell Savage and Kendall Hunter will have no problem running right through the #1 conference in total defense and scoring defense.

Real Stat of the day: OSU will win the clock management battle

#18 Auburn (7-3) @ #10 Georgia (7-2)
In this clash of the powerhouse titans, the Tigers come in between the shrubs to take on the bulldogs. Content with beating up on nobodies, the Tigers will now take on conference play again.

Brandon Cox will be attempting to salvage their season by winning these last two games and with some prayers have a shot at the SEC title. Matthew Stafford will pick apart holes in the #10 ranked passing defense.

Ben Tate continues to get the bulk of the runs and hopes to balance out the offense. Knowshon Moreno is the start of the bulldogs rushing attack now, but the fabled speed of the SEC will be tested against the #24 ranked rushing defense.

Real Stat of the day: Thomas Brown will break 500 yards today after returning from injury

#12 Michigan (8-2) @ Wisconsin (7-3)
Wisconsin came into Columbus last week limping and left Columbus a quadraplegic. Tons of key injuries for the Badgers as they return home to take on the Wolverines. But they lost to Appalachian State therefore these injuries mean nothing. After all, teams don't learn to adjust.

P.J. Hill isn't the only one sore with bruises after Tyler Donovan suffered 35% of his season sacks just last week. Chad Henne looks to throw some more miracles and hope his Pixie dust didn't run out after two amazing passes last week to seal the victory.

P.J. Hill may or may not play this game, but they at least have back Lance Smith Williams who now can beat up on the Wolverines as opposed to beating up his girlfriend. The "Hart" of the wolverines will be chomping at the bit after witnessing the Buckeyes rush for over 160 yards last week.

Real Stat of the day: Michigan will get a minimum of 5 sacks this game.
 
Best edition so far. :lol:

I'm really hoping that Michigan can get a big lead early and pull Henne and Hart. They are both hurting and are desperately needed if we have a prayer in beating Ohio State.

What are the chances that FSU will beat Virginia Tech? Can I get a Real Stat of the Day on that one?
 
Best edition so far. :lol:

I'm really hoping that Michigan can get a big lead early and pull Henne and Hart. They are both hurting and are desperately needed if we have a prayer in beating Ohio State.

What are the chances that FSU will beat Virginia Tech? Can I get a Real Stat of the Day on that one?

By the way I want to clarify myself, I meant that Michigan will sack Wisconsin at least 5 times.

I see Drew Weatherford having a field day against Va Tech's secondary. Beamer Ball seems to apply only to special teams this year, so the only way this game stays close is a couple of blocked punts for touchdowns or very nice field position. FSU is primed to get another upset.
 
That will make shawn happy.

What will make me happy is that I don't have to watch the Mich/OSU game on a small TV at Shawn and Candy's wedding this year.
 
Can you keep me informed of all developments this weekend in football via short messaging service? I'll be in Chicago and away from the TV. :hs:

I'll try to remember however one thing of note: I do not leave the couch ever during the Ohio State game until the game is secure. How would you prefer these messages?
 
Yea Penn St is playing the football powerhouse known as Temple. :rolleyes:

What are the chances they'll win? :fly: And my real question, do you think Paterno even does anything anymore? At this point, he's got to just be a figurehead. He doesn't even wear a damn headset on the sideline. :lol:
 
What are the chances they'll win? :fly: And my real question, do you think Paterno even does anything anymore? At this point, he's got to just be a figurehead. He doesn't even wear a damn headset on the sideline. :lol:


Just his style of coaching. JoePA is defiantly in charge. I'm sure the players are glad that there are no more home games this season.
 
After last week's loss to Navy, I hope that we can win against the Air Force. I'm doubtful though. Man is ND having a rough year.
 
Since fly asked me to update without mentioning how he wanted it.

Wisconsin's up 7-0 at the end of the 1st quarter and are in the redzone again.

I just got home from a meeting so I'll be able to provide better updates now.