Bragging thread

thanks thorn! fatherhood has been pretty good so far, just a few little inconveniences.

the main thing i don't understand is why kids feel it necessary to fight the sleep.

I still haven't figured it out, and one decided 5:30 was a good time to wake up this morning, which I also can't figure out why.
 
it's just because THEY haven't figured out why sleep is important. there are plant pots to get into!! and tupperware to bang!! and stairs to climb!! and grown-up food to taste!! and siblings to bother!! and shelves to climb!!

would you want to go to sleep if you knew of all the stuff you could get into? :fly:
 
This is only fitting... and, surprisingly, absent thus far:

The Brag Of The Sub Genius

"SHUT UP OR STAND UP!

("The Brag of the SubGenius")

- --- a fragment. Transcribed from a cassette tape recording made at a seance in 1973.

"I PICK THE GOD DAMN terror of the fucking gods out of my *nose*! Pardon my language. But YEEEEEHAW, let the sons of God and man bear witness! Even in the belly of the Thunderbird I've been casting out the False Prohets; I'm busting a gut and blowing my O-ring, and ripe to throw a *loaf*! For I speak *only* the fucking *Truth*, and never in my days have I spoken other than! For my every utterance is a lie, including this very one you hear! I say, `Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!' By God, `Anything for a laugh', I say. I am the last remaining Homo Correctus, I am the god damn Man of the Future! I'll drive a mile so as not to walk a foot; I am a human being of the *first* god damn water! Yes, I'm the javalina humping junkie that jumped the Men from Mars! I drank the *Devil* under seven tables, I am too *intense* to die, I'm insured for acts o' God *and* Satan! I was shanghaied by bodiless fiends and alien jews from a corporate galaxy, and got away with their hubcaps! I *cannot* be tracked on radar! I wear nothing uniform, I wear *no* god damn uniform! Yes baby, I'm 23 feet tall and have 13 rows o' teats; I was suckled by a triceratops, I gave the Anti-Virgin a high-protien tonsil wash! I'm a bacteriological weapon, I *armed* and *loaded*! I'm a fission reactor, I fart plutonium, power plants are fueled by the sweat from my brow; when they plug *me* in, the lights go out in Hong Kong! I weigh 666 pounds in zero gravity, *come and get me*! I've sired retarded space bastards across the Cosmos, I cook and *eat* my dead; YAH-HOOOO, I'm the Unshaven Thorn Tree of the Atlantis Zoo! I pay no taxes! The Devil's hands are my *ideal* playground! I hold the Seven-Bladed Windbreaker; the wheels that turn are behind me; I think *backwards*! I do it for *fun*! My imagination is a *fucking* cancer and I'll pork it before it porks me! The say a godzillion is the highest number there is. Well by God! I count to a godzillion and *one*! Yes, I'm the purple flower of Hell County, give me wide berth; when I drop my drawers, Mother Nature swoons! I use a python for a prophylactic; I'm *thicker, harder* and *meaner* than the Alaskan Pipeline, and carry more spew! I'll freeze *your* seed before it hits the bathroom tile! YEE! YEEE! I kidnapped the future and ransomed it for the past, I made *Time* wait up for me to bleed my lizard! My infernal breath wilts the Tree of Life, I left my *spoor* on the Rock of Ages, *who'll tear flesh with me, who'll spill their juice? Who'll gouge with me, whose candle will I fart out? Whoop! I'm ready!* So step aside, all you butt-lipped, neurotic, insecure bespectacled slabs o' wimp meat! I'm a Crime Fighting Master Criminal, I am Not Insane! I'm a screamer and a laugher, I make a *spectacle* of myself, I am a *sight*! My physical type *cannot* be classified by science, my `familiar' is a pterodactyl, I feed it dipshits! I communicate without *wires* or *strings*! I am a Thuggee, I am feared in the Tongs, I have the Evil Eye, I carry the Mojo Bag; I swam the *Bermuda Triangle* and didn't get wet! I circumcize dinosaurs with my teeth and make 'em leave a tip; I change tires with my *tongue* and my *tool*! Every night I hock up a lunger and extinguish the *Sun*! I'm the bigfooted devil of Level 14, who'll try to blow me down? I've packed the brownies of the gods, I leak the Plague from my nether parts, opiates are the *mass* of my religion, *I take drugs*! Yes, I'm a rip-snorter, I cram coca leaves right into my arm-veins before they're picked off the *tree*! *Space* monsters cringe at my tread! I wipe the *Pyramides* off my shoes before I enter *my* house. I'm *fuel-injected*, I'll live forever and remember it afterwords! I'm *immune*! I'm *radioactive*! Come *on* and give me cancer, I'll spit up the tumor and butter my *bread* with the juice! *I'm supernatural*, I bend *crowbars* with my meat ax and a thought! My droppings bore through the earth and erupt *volcanoes* in *China*! Yes, I can drink more wine and stay soberer than all the heathen *Hindoos* in Asia! YEEE HAW! *Gut Blowout*! I am a *Moray Eel*, I am a *Komodo Dragon*, I am the *Killer Whale bereft of its pup*! I have a triple backbone, I was sired by the Wolf Man, give me *all* your Slack! I told *Jesus* I wouldn't go to church and He *shook my hand*! I have my *own* personal saviors, I change 'em every hour, I don't give a fuck if there's life after death, I want to know if there's even any fucking *Slack* after death! I am a god damn *visionary*, I see the future and the past in comic books and wine bottles; I eat *black holes* for breakfast! I bend my genes and whittle my DNA with the sheer force of my mighty *will*! I steer my *own* god damn evolution! I ran 'em out of Heaven and sold it to Hell for a *profit*! I'm enlightened, I achieved `Nirvana' and took it *home* with me. *Yip, yip, YEEEEEEE!* I'm so ugly the Speed of Light can't slow me down and Gravity won't tug at my cuffs! When the Rapture comes, I'll make 'em wait! They'll *never* clean *my* cage! Now give me some more of..."

(Tape runs out.)"
 
back then
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now lol
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my oldest
brandon
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my baby
mathew
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OMG aren't children precious!

i should neg rep you, silly bitch. :fly:


yammy, your children are adorable...i would bite those arms and thighs of matthew in a minute!!! i bite babybird all the time!!! i bite spangelet, too, but she's old enough to bite back. :eek:
 
Just as an FYI, you don't need to add IMG tags if you're copying from the UF uploader links. It's already there.

see, i just pressed a bunch of buttons and copied something and pasted it somewhere else. i didn't add anything. :fly:



i really need to take a computer class for the first freaking time in my life.
 
Just as an FYI, you don't need to add IMG tags if you're copying from the UF uploader links. It's already there.
What, you don't wantn to share our son?

I love all the cute kids. For Luis I'll add one from our vacation

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First time munchkin was in the sand