Bad Jokes

[Jehannum]

What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

 

[Jehannum]

I just KenM'ed a local pride group. They're wound up in some kind of "do we let cops march in the parade, and and are firefighters just taking their place" bullshit discussion, and I felt the need to state my opinion.

"It is my belief that any profession represented by the Village People deserves the right to march in the pride parade."

Responses so far are about 90% YAAAASSS and 10% people bitching how stupid I am. It's great.

I just totally ripped off your comment for this article: https://www.kob.com/albuquerque-news/abq-pride-board-bans-police-from-summer-pride-fest/6442981/

 

[Jehannum]

Olaf the Viking was shopping on a rainy day at a supermarket with a detached frozen goods section when he came across a woman in a wheelchair who was clearly upset.

Olaf asked, "What's the matter?"

She replied, "I want to look at the ice cream, but the frozen goods are across the parking lot, and there is no handicapped access!"

"No problem," replied Olaf, who lifted her pig-a-back, "I'll take you through".

Olaf strolled through the chilled warehouse, carrying the woman, who picked out some drumsticks and several different flavors of ice cream. Olaf carefully put them in the basket he was also pushing for her. When she was through, he carried her back and saw her partner waiting with the wheelchair.

"I'd really like to thank you," said the woman as Olaf settled her back into the chair, "but I don't even know who you are!"

Olaf waved and walked off.

The woman's partner said, "I was really worried about you, what have you been doing?"

She replied, "I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name, it felt good to be out of the rain."

 

[Jehannum]

I applied for a job hanging mirrors.

It's a position I can really see myself in.

 

[Jehannum]

If I were a dentist, I'd name my boat the Tooth Ferry.

 

[Jehannum]

Lost three fingers on my right hand, and I asked the doctor, "Will I still be able to write with it?"

He said, "maybe, but I wouldn't count on it"

 

[Mean Mr. Mustard]

 

[Jehannum]

I'm not going to say I'm super attractive, but when I get undressed in the bathroom, I turn the shower on.

 

[Jehannum]

If you want to make a rabbit hole, you have to glue the pieces back together.

 

[Jehannum]

A trophy of a cat's butt would be a catastrophe.

 

[Jehannum]

We all sat down to watch this TV show about creepy elves that had been redubbed from Finnish into English, and my wife asked me, "Was this originally Finnish?"

I said, "no, it's just starting".

 

[Jehannum]

#NMTrue

 

[Jehannum]

I'm starting a new religion that worships certain shades of blue.

It's called Cyantology.

 

[Jehannum]

There are two things I love in life, and those are multi-tasking and getting banned from zoos, so you can imagine my satisfaction at killing two birds with one stone.

 

[Jehannum]

Every morning I run, I get hit by the same bike.

It's a vicious cycle.

 

[Jehannum]

A burglar broke into the local college bookstore and took $20,000 in textbooks.

Fortunately, police were able to apprehend him and return both books.

 

[ZRH]

A burglar broke into the local college bookstore and took $20,000 in textbooks.

Fortunately, police were able to apprehend him and return both books.

I knew that was coming.

 

[Jehannum]

If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up, they'd be alloys.

 

[Jehannum]

What do clouds wear?

Thunderwear.

 

[Jehannum]

I perfectly shaved one butt cheek.

It was a half-ass job.