Bad Joke Monday

BeerAd

Flaccid Member
Aug 15, 2005
13,322
2
0
39
Largo, Florida
Marklar
₥0
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now

need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.


The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for
the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's
attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in.

P....

E....

N.....

I.....

S....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer
replied:

PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
 

Mean Mr. Mustard

Always shouts out something obscene
Sep 30, 2004
69,173
37,502
1,323
53
Uranus
Marklar
₥41,306
Steam
heyfubuddy
thrawn said:
bahahaha.gif


Looks like his balls itch really really bad and hes trying to get at them with his teeth.
 

ZRH

(retired?) Google-F.U.
Mar 5, 2005
24,070
1,485
573
<3
Marklar
₥2,996
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says,"Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
 

BeerAd

Flaccid Member
Aug 15, 2005
13,322
2
0
39
Largo, Florida
Marklar
₥0
KNYTE said:
So the Mormon Prophet, a Jewish Rabbi, and the Pope are fishing together on a quiet lake. The Prophet realizes that he needs to use the restroom, so stands up, steps off the side of the boat, and casually walks on the water to bank where the bathroom is, a few minutes later he walks casually back.

After a while the Rabbi decides he also needs to use the restroom, so he politely excuses himself, steps off the side of the boat, walks on the water to the bank, then returns as if everything is fine.

The Pope, not wanting to outdone by his friends, and also in need of using the restroom, musters his courage and jumps over the side into the water, sinking immediately under the waves.

The Prophet turns to the Rabbi and says "Didn't you tell him where the rocks were?"

Its only funny cause your a mormon!!! lol jk, good joke ;)
 

BeerAd

Flaccid Member
Aug 15, 2005
13,322
2
0
39
Largo, Florida
Marklar
₥0
did i post this last time...

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.

Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.

Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall.

This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee.

It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.

Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom.

This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.

Always look around the office for the Out The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P. F. N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS..

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.

Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open.

This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are in a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.

An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Poop Well and Prosper!
 

ZRH

(retired?) Google-F.U.
Mar 5, 2005
24,070
1,485
573
<3
Marklar
₥2,996
An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan and says, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
 

my little brony

Keep Being A Little Bitch
Oct 15, 2004
34,953
18,766
823
Marklar
₥21,493
A lawyer, a rabbi, and J Edgar Hoover walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
 

BeerAd

Flaccid Member
Aug 15, 2005
13,322
2
0
39
Largo, Florida
Marklar
₥0
This was classic but great too...


SCROLL SLOW!!!!!!!!!


TWO TOUGH QUESTIONS


Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who
were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis,
would you recommend that she have an abortion?


Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.







Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here
are the facts about the three leading candidates.


Candidate A -

Associates with crooked poli ticians, and consults with astrologists.
He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
martinis a day.


Candidate B -

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in
college
and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.


Candidate C -

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.



Which of these candidates would be your Choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.














----------------------------------------------




Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.








And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question: If you said yes,
you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember:


Amateurs built the Ark

Professionals built the Titanic




and in case you never saw this one..! ....

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?









It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
 

InnerMuse

Flaccid Member
Alright the results are in!

First prize winner is FlaGHole with a total of 14 points.:clap:

Thrawn and FlamingGloryHole tie for the political prize with 6 points each.

Bonus points awarded to SpyderGSt for the great Liquids on a Plane spoof.



Special thanks to Drool and bast for their wonderful guest commentary (lol itchy balls and narrator), zengirl for adding teh cuteness, FlyNavy for the Moses joke, KNYTE for more religious humor, wonko80 for the vegetarian joke, BeeRad for making me laugh at my Floridian self, and Hydrosqueege for his Chili cook-off.

-and thrawn, if you ever reenact the Tampon Tag thing, you better get pictures!
 

BeerAd

Flaccid Member
Aug 15, 2005
13,322
2
0
39
Largo, Florida
Marklar
₥0
InnerMuse said:
Alright the results are in!

First prize winner is FlaGHole with a total of 14 points.:clap:

Thrawn and FlamingGloryHole tie for the political prize with 6 points each.

Bonus points awarded to SpyderGSt for the great Liquids on a Plane spoof.



Special thanks to Drool and bast for their wonderful guest commentary (lol itchy balls and narrator), zengirl for adding teh cuteness, FlyNavy for the Moses joke, KNYTE for more religious humor, wonko80 for the vegetarian joke, BeeRad for making me laugh at my Floridian self, and Hydrosqueege for his Chili cook-off.

-and thrawn, if you ever reenact the Tampon Tag thing, you better get pictures!


Wha????


Oh I get it, if I win everytime they will know you :heart: me on the side:fly:
 

water

Flaccid Member
Oct 29, 2004
15,608
67
0
42
AZ
Marklar
₥272
I think there should be a spamming limit as part of the contest.

Everyone gets 2 or so entries, then you pick the best.