Bad Joke Monday!!

InnerMuse

Flaccid Member
Ok, folks. You know the routine. Give me your raunchiest and funniest jokes. If you make me laugh the most, you win teh boobie prise. Since I started really late with this months edition, I'll even extend it until noon on Tuesday. This will give the underprivilaged night people time to gather some filth.


Oh, bonus for including funny pics.:hi2u:
 
A Swedish girl, Greek Lady, and Irishman and and Englishman are in a train.
As the train goes in a tunnel, the lights go out. A loud smack is heard and when the lights come back on, the Englishman's rubbing his face with a look of shock on his face.

The greek lady thinks to herself, he must have groped the swedish girl.
The Swedish girl thinks to hersel, he must have groped the greek lady thinking it was me.
The Englishman thinks to himself, the Irishman groped the Swedish girl and she smacked me by mistake.
The Irsihman thinks to himself, I can't wait until we go in another tunnel, so I can smack that Englishman again.
 
im_in_ur_sink.jpg



This isnt a joke and it's old but it's still making me laugh today.
 
A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. "Wow," says the bartender. "That is really something. Where'd you get it?"

"Africa," says the parrot.
 
Wait, that was BAD joke Monday. Must be the glasses, sorry, they are tinted.



CRAP MONKEYS, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
 
Last edited:
Coqui said:
A Swedish girl, Greek Lady, and Irishman and and Englishman are in a train.
As the train goes in a tunnel, the lights go out. A loud smack is heard and when the lights come back on, the Englishman's rubbing his face with a look of shock on his face.

The greek lady thinks to herself, he must have groped the swedish girl.
The Swedish girl thinks to hersel, he must have groped the greek lady thinking it was me.
The Englishman thinks to himself, the Irishman groped the Swedish girl and she smacked me by mistake.
The Irsihman thinks to himself, I can't wait until we go in another tunnel, so I can smack that Englishman again.
:lol:
 
I got this in an email the other day and have heard this joke twisted each and every way but here it is again...

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men’s barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
 
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!!"
 
RIDDLE:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire

engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your

car and you cannot overtake it.



Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the

same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this situation?
 
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
 
A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.
The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.

She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to: me or the machine?"
 
BeeRad said:
RIDDLE:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire

engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your

car and you cannot overtake it.



Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the

same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this situation?


Since nobody played into this riddle...


Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round" dumbass, you're drunk.
 
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell As he is
wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with
the devil...


Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of
fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On
Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey,
tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab
and fresca. We drink till we throw up
and then we drink some
more! And you don't have to worry about getting a
hangover, because you're dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get
the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out.
If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want.
Craps, Blackjack Roulette, Poker, Lots, whatever. If you go
bankrupt...it doesn't matter you're dead anyhow.

Guy: Cool!

Satan: What about Drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help
yourself to a great big bowl of crack,
or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a
submarine. You can do all the drugs you
want. You're dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool
place!


Satan: You gay?

Guy: No...


Satan: Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough.
 
A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One
of them was washing her private area and noticed that
there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there
was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened,
telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little
oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the
coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd
close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally
agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no
pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the
room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure. Maybe she choked".
 
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
 
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to think of a way to rekindle it.

One night he came from work, and found his wife asleep in bed.

He thought to himself, "what should I do?"

"Oh-I know."

He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.

After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwords, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?"

She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your mother..."
 
A few days before Passover, the Israeli Ambassador got up to
speak at the U.N. "Ladies, and gentlemen," he said. "I have
much to say. But before I begin, let me tell you an old
Passover story, as the holiday is almost upon us".

"When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt, he had to
cross the near endless Sinai desert. The Israelites were so
thirsty they could hardly go on. So Moses struck the side of
a mountain with his staff and a pond appeared with crystal
clean water. Now the people rejoiced and drank to their
hearts content.

"But Moses wished to cleanse his entire body. So he went
over the other side of the pond, took off his clothes and
dove in. Only when he came out did he discover his clothes
had been stolen. And I have good reason to believe that
the Palestinians stole Moses' clothes."

At this point, the Palestinian delegate jumped out of his
chair and screamed, "You lying fool! Everyone knows
there were no Palestinians at that time"!

"Exactly," said the Israeli Ambassador. "And with that,
let me begin my speech".