Bad Joke Monday!

A professor was giving a lecture on
"Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to first year medical students.
Realizing that this was not
the most riveting subject
the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman
in the front row and said,
"Do you know
what your ass hole is doing
while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied,
"He's probably drinking beer
at the bar with his friends
 
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the
marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well,
the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him
violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! !
 
WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?? Well, if you think you know the
>answer......think again.......,
>
>
>
>The day a teacher had a taste test with her students.
>
>She picked a little boy to do the first test.
>
>She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked,
>
>"Do you know what it is?"
>
>"No, I don't," said the little boy.
>
>"Okay, I'll give you a clue.
>
>It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
>
>Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
>
>"Spit it out!
>
>It's a piece of ass!"
 
Why did Captain Picard urinate on the ceiling? He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you get when you cross a ape and a wife? A monkey wench.
 
InnerMuse said:
Well, FINE then. None for j00. :p
Click to expand...
How many jews can you fit in a Volkswagen?

5 million and 4.
2 in the front, 2 in the back and 5 million in the ashtray.

Er, wait, dammit where is Bubbles.
 
what's the difference between black people and snow tires?

snow tires don't sing when you put chains on them
 
Thank you for your entries. The prizes are being sent through PM. The results are:

1st: BeeRad
Tied at 2nd: FatBurger and FlamingGlory

If you have more, save them for next month. I think I'm going to do this on a regular basis. It lightens the mood on a dreary Monday.

Thanks for your inspiration, folks!
 
Past the time limit but:

Yo mamma so stupid when they said it was going to be chilly she ran outside with a bowl and spoon.

How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how far you stretch 'em.

How do you keep a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.

A bear walks up to a bar and asks: Can I have a vodka and ...
...
...
...
...lime?'
The bartender says: Why the big pause? The bear replies: Dunno my father had them too.


ETA: Dammit I started typing this before you posted that! :p
 
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded." Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

~~~~~~~
 
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