Thread Am I wrong at getting annoyed/mad at.....

Applesauce

The Gypsy-The Acid Queen
Dec 9, 2008
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give him a timeline until he hits 18. most of my friends are in their 20's and still leech. it has to be nipped in the bud. make them want their own place to get away from your rules.

Excellent idea! I will come up with something after some thought. Thx
 

polo

Flaccid Member
Aug 1, 2007
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He has no way of doing any of the above mentioned w/o a job. I'm sick and tired of having so much gotdamnt pressure to do all from so many angles that I lax on doing it all.

But, when he walked over to a friends, knowing that I was out there working, that really struck home. So, my philosophy is, if he wants to be disrespectful, I will be the same, and that's that.

We go grocery shopping, I'm not getting any fun stuff. He needs a few dollars to do this or that? Too bad, sponge from friends and lose them. I just don't give a shit anymore about the petty bullshit.

he can take courses without a job. my friend has just started a 3 year Botany course a year after completing his BSc. He wasn't going to get a job with his biology degree, so taking a free course will allow him to train for licences easier. Paying for those may be hard, but i'd imagine most courses to do with the environment are subsidized - even in the US

you're right to not give a shit, but you will become obsessed over it. i'm not saying he "doesn't care about your feelings", but they aren't the most important thing to him.

the last time i went home i had to carry out amatuer tree surgery for my dad. i've lived away from home for 5 years and still did it without question. not helping you with something like that when he's doing nothing else is a bit ridiculous. give him a swift boot up the hole, it's trite but it's the only way he's going to learn.
 

polo

Flaccid Member
Aug 1, 2007
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Honestly, he would not follow it.. He does nothing.. Me and his mother are going to be taking everything off him very soon. Gonna leave him with a bed and some clothes..

what hasn't been tried is worth trying however. i can understand the passiveness because the little shit has been nothing other than disrespectful. if anything, you two pay for the house, he doesn't. make him very aware of that.
 

Applesauce

The Gypsy-The Acid Queen
Dec 9, 2008
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he can take courses without a job. my friend has just started a 3 year Botany course a year after completing his BSc. He wasn't going to get a job with his biology degree, so taking a free course will allow him to train for licences easier. Paying for those may be hard, but i'd imagine most courses to do with the environment are subsidized - even in the US

you're right to not give a shit, but you will become obsessed over it. i'm not saying he "doesn't care about your feelings", but they aren't the most important thing to him.

the last time i went home i had to carry out amatuer tree surgery for my dad. i've lived away from home for 5 years and still did it without question. not helping you with something like that when he's doing nothing else is a bit ridiculous. give him a swift boot up the hole, it's trite but it's the only way he's going to learn.

Thx. :) All a good read.
 

polo

Flaccid Member
Aug 1, 2007
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Thx. :) All a good read.

get him a stack of post it notes. write what you want done on the first one.

tell him this is how things are done from now on. encouraging him to set goals should give him a bit more velocity in life.

i can understand his shiftlessness - well, actually i can't. sitting around all day for me is a byproduct of maybe only having class for 3 hours, but i feel pretty shit about it. if i had a list of things to do codified on paper, that's generally the only way i'll get things done..

try that anyway.
 

Applesauce

The Gypsy-The Acid Queen
Dec 9, 2008
24,574
4,173
323
get him a stack of post it notes. write what you want done on the first one.

tell him this is how things are done from now on. encouraging him to set goals should give him a bit more velocity in life.

i can understand his shiftlessness - well, actually i can't. sitting around all day for me is a byproduct of maybe only having class for 3 hours, but i feel pretty shit about it. if i had a list of things to do codified on paper, that's generally the only way i'll get things done..

try that anyway.

good ideas.
 

CletusJones

CUCKGBLR
Oct 15, 2004
16,870
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After reading the entire thread all I have to say is good luck.

I didn't really grow up until my parents decided to move away. I chose to stay and bought a condo. Quite the awakening having to support yourself 100%. Hopefully taking away all his creature comforts and making him work to get them back will help.
 

b_sinning

Erect Member
Nov 22, 2004
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Savannah, GA
It's really hard to instill in someone else the pride of doing things for yourself. I'm trying to figure out how to do it with my wife and son.

Both like to read the end of the story rather than figure it out for themselves. It's so frustrating.
 
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Thorn Bird

Forum Mom
May 24, 2005
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hi there. :eek:

parenting is the biggest fear and challenge in the world, methinks.

getting him a job at a bike shop is the BEST idea. of course he's not gonna do cartwheels over having to have a job, but i'd guess that a couple of weeks being surrounded by the things he loves and with people who have excitement, passion, and KNOWLEDGE of bikes is totally gonna give him something to look forward to in his life. that may be the best investment yet.

just a suggestion, but why not try an outline? or talking to him straight up? something like "look. we see you directionless and unmotivated. this concerns us because, typically, this behavior left unattended leads to being lazy, careless, and unhappy. we absolutely believe you are a bright kid who would be happiest being productive...you're too smart to let the brain rot away, and we are sincerely interested in coming together with you to get a plan going. we wonder if you're TEMPORARILY clinically depressed, because we see (list behaviors.) this can make LIVING life really difficult. because we love you and believe in you, we want to help you get this in check, and then we'd really like to sit down WITH you and help you figure out the next step, like getting a job doing something you'd be interested in doing. if we didn't care, we'd let you do whatever you wanted until you did whatever you wanted somewhere else. but that's not the case, so there are two options. ONE: you refuse to be part of a team, and we become NAZI parents and unravel this whole situation, because the current living arrangements simply are not working. OR TWO: all three of us accept this as a challenge we can work together to try to better. it'll require patience, honesty, forgiveness, acceptance, trust, and motivation. it will also NOT be easy, there will be good days and bad days, and all of us will occasionally lose our tempers. but i think you're worth it, and i'm willing to do this as an investment into the person you have yet to become."

he's a kid. but he's an individual. he's lost, but he's got caring people around him. he's not going to trust anyone, so he's going to be difficult, but that's his right as "the kid."

you're the parents. you're a team. you have choices to make: let it lie as it currently is. kick him to the curb. become NAZIs without ears and make him a soldier without a voice. or turn it into the best team approach you can give, stating the reasons why, and then dedicate yourselves to it. kids who have depression, trust issues, and lack of motivation or self-confidence don't really have the option to make it better for themselves because they don't know how and they're not independent. whether he knows it or not, he is relying on y'all to invest in him and have faith in him. lost people end up in the arms of those around them...seems like the people he's going to fall into love him and believe in him. make him aware of this, continuously confirm that you believe in him, and roll up your sleeves. :heart:
 
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