Am I in the wrong here?

Ryokurin

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Oct 15, 2004
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The past couple of months have been nothing but change, and as such I've been taking a overhaul of my life and making changes where I deem necessary, I'm getting issues that have bothered me taken care of and basically taking the approach that if it wasn't helping me I'm willing to to cut it out like the cancer it is and move on. This brings me to the situation I just went through.

My ex roommate recently moved to Houston. Over the past year I met a few people through him, most of them were his ex high school friends. Some of them are pretty cool and all, but 90% of the time when we all hung out the topics were on items that they were all in on was because it was dealing with their time in school together. Thats fine, they all have a connection and there really isn't much I can do to become a part of that. I hung out as a courtesy and just zoned out most of the time when they were reliving their nostalgia. They partied often but out of the year of knowing them, I rarely if ever got a call from any of them to let me know of the upcoming plans. I didn't think anything of it at first, but after a while it started to get to me. No one treated me cold there or anything, but I still felt that I was being included since my roommate was their good friend.

So fast forward to now, I get a call from my roommate that they are having a party tomorrow and that I should go. As usual, they all worked it out and so forth and my roommate is relaying it to me. I told him, that I would go if they actually call and invite me myself. He tried to do the standard, "no its ok, they want you there" bit but I stood my ground and said, again "They can call me to ask me to come." My stance is that, hell they have my number, my gmail address and I'm 10 miles away from them, not 1000 miles like he is. Why is he still their proxy? I haven't heard a peep from anyone in over a month what am I supposed to do jump up and take this bone? I'm over that and if it means I have to cut off all contact until it stops then thats the price that has to be paid. its not like I'm missing that much in my eyes anyways.

Your thoughts?
 
i think if it bothers you that much then you should just let them go. sometimes easier said then done but in your case you sound like you don't mind them out of your life.
 
I've gone through a lot of change, not just in the past three months, but over the past year and I've realized I've wasted a ton of time. I've been largely by myself the past month and a half other than when I'm at work. I would like to continue an relationship but I'm not going to beg for it. I'll survive with or without them.
 
I don't think that's wrong. You have the right to draw lines in your relationships where you want. If it's important to you, you've totally done the right thing.

Just to offer a different perspective, to me it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I know my roommate's friends and my roommate, his friends and I will occasionally hang out. However it doesn't bother me that they don't call me for whatever. Basically they know what I enjoy and what I don't, and they'll invite me to things they think I'll enjoy. To me this is just the way I want my relationship with them to be. I don't really want anything more out of them then a good time, and all of us are cool with that.

It's quite possible they think you're like me.

But the much greater weight should be given to the first paragraph.
 
I think you are overthinking it.

Go if you like, dont go if you dont want to, do not care for the opinions, real or imagined, of these people. Free alcohol is free alcohol...
 
You are stronger then i am. does it bother you that you have spent so much time alone?

I'm an introverted person. It used to bother me but that was when I thought being introverted was a bad thing. I find things to fill the time with, and I'm happy with sorting out my thoughts and plans. I actually think its been good for me as its helped me come to that decision. I'm not saying that I'm happy to be alone all the time, but I don't see them as my only way of meeting new people. I'm just simply trying to make up for lost time on my own terms.
 
I don't think that's wrong. You have the right to draw lines in your relationships where you want. If it's important to you, you've totally done the right thing.

Just to offer a different perspective, to me it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I know my roommate's friends and my roommate, his friends and I will occasionally hang out. However it doesn't bother me that they don't call me for whatever. Basically they know what I enjoy and what I don't, and they'll invite me to things they think I'll enjoy. To me this is just the way I want my relationship with them to be. I don't really want anything more out of them then a good time, and all of us are cool with that.

It's quite possible they think you're like me.

But the much greater weight should be given to the first paragraph.

I dont think its a big deal, but its my line in the sand. I understand they have more history and i'm relatively new to them, but I just find it some what funny how he is still my proxy to them.
 
how would you feel about asking one of the friends outright? or even making a joke if you were to go, like, "next time you don't have to invite me via long distance" or something like that. drop the hint that it's ok to call you and that you'd appreciate it. then give it another shot. maybe you're giving out a vibe to them that you aren't approachable or something. not that i see you doing that, but you never know. :eek:

but it's true...if you just aren't interested in maintaining a relationship like this, it's ok to cut it. you have really become comfortable with who you are and you don't seem to need any relationships that are "high maintenance." do what you are most comfortable doing.
 
its rather hard for me to. My off days are sunday and monday. The times I did offer a movie or something they had already seen it. I dont leave work until midnight so if I tried to catch up with them after stuff was half way over. The vast majority of the time when they do something work conflicts with it. I admit I haven't tried much, but I don't have a schedule to do it. It makes dropping them easier actually since I never really see anyone.
 
I have a group of "friends" just like this. Met them through Wonko's brother eons ago. I don't mind them when we're hanging out once every couple years, and I usually have loads of fun when we do, but they never ever call me and I never ever call them. And I've known them for at least 10 years. Kinda weird when I think about it, but it doesn't bother me at all. I just have my own life to think about.
 
We can get back at the roommate. You can come to Houston, stay with Patty and I, we'll make plans, and one of us can relay it to the ex-roomie.

On second thought, forget the roomie and just come see us in Houston!
 
If you spend lots of time alone and frankly it sounds like you are getting bored with it, I would go out anyway. I rarely get invited places even though I wish I was. Even if my roommate invites me to her friend's stuff, I still go. I am going to meet people and have fun talking to people. Maybe I make a connection, maybe I don't. At least it gets me out of the house and and gives me an excuse not to come over to my parent's house that night :fly:
 
If you spend lots of time alone and frankly it sounds like you are getting bored with it, I would go out anyway. I rarely get invited places even though I wish I was. Even if my roommate invites me to her friend's stuff, I still go. I am going to meet people and have fun talking to people. Maybe I make a connection, maybe I don't. At least it gets me out of the house and and gives me an excuse not to come over to my parent's house that night :fly:

wow please come see me in texas if your only other option is your parent's house. why don't you get out often?
 
wow please come see me in texas if your only other option is your parent's house. why don't you get out often?

It's not that I go to my parents all the time. They just want me to come all the time, and I have to make excuses not to see them. Saying I am going to a party or to hang out would be a valid excuse.

Now back to OP. I think you should go and enjoy yourself. If the others enjoy your company, they will call. If not, they should tell you to bugger off. If you are in between, just ride the experience for free alcohol and time IRL chatting with someone.

I would not be ashamed to be a "tagalong"