Baby 5 Things Parents Need to Stop Saying to Non-Parents

APRIL

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Sep 30, 2004
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So you breeders, us non-breeders like to give advice but you shouldn't either... heheheheh discuss

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-kinnear/5-things-parents-need-to-stop-saying-to-non-parents_b_3573670.html


First, I should say that I am 100 percent guilty of all of these. I know this reads as an advice list, but really it's advice I'm giving myself. The "you" I am addressing in this piece is me... unless it applies to you; then it is you.I ran headfirst into this parenting thing, and have gladly and gratefully let it redefine me as a person. One unforeseen side-effect has been that I view everything through the lens of parenting. Sometimes that is a good thing. For instance, I don't leave steak knives lying around as much as I used to. Sometimes -- and this is what I've recently learned -- it can alienate my non-kid-having friends. Here are some things that are better left unsaid.
1. "Dogs are not kids."
It usually goes like this. "Ugh. You know what really bugs me? When so-and-so compares her dog to my kid. Or when so-and-so refers to his or her dog as his or her kid. Dogs are not kids! She has NO IDEA!"

You know what? Unless "so-and-so" needs professional help, I guarantee "so-and-so" knows that her dog is not a human child. She also knows that having a dog is nothing like having a kid. What she's really saying is "Oh! Yes. I also have something in my life that poops AND brings me joy."

She is trying to relate to you and be a part of your life -- the life where all you do is talk about your kids. I know that it's hard to relate when you have kids and your friends don't. What were once close relationships can become sporadic meet-ups where you do your best to try and catch up with someone with whom you have very little in common anymore. Sure, you two were best buds in college, but now you have very different lives. So, when "so-and-so" offhandedly, and perhaps awkwardly, tries to relate to your story about picking poo out of your bangs by comparing it to scraping dog shit out of the carpet, cut her some slack. She's just trying to be nice. And she misses you.
2. "You think you're [insert anything here]? Try having kids!"
Tired, stressed, in pain, covered in urine, it doesn't matter. They all apply. Too often, we parents downplay non-parents' concerns by pulling ours out and tossing them on the table. "Oh man! You worked 50 hours this week? Try doing that with kids!" "Oh man, you think your feet hurt from working outside all day! I've been chasing my toddler blah blah blahpunch me in the face, please."
It's not a competition. If, on a scale of 1 to Passing Out Awkwardly in the Shower and Waking Up When the Hot Water Runs Out, your friend is at a 7, and three weeks into your first newborn you were at a 9, that DOESN'T MAKE YOUR FRIEND ANY LESS TIRED.
It isn't that your experiences can't be a valid contribution to the conversation, but instead of a "my pain is more painful than your pain" approach, instead, try sympathizing. Why not try using your experience as a new parent to help instead of compete? Say something like, "Whoa! I bet you're tired. When I was tired after my daughter was born, I found that pouring coffee directly into my eyeballs was incredibly useful."
3. "Don't worry, when you have kids you'll..."
... not be grossed out by boogers, know who Dora the Explorer is, be happy... UGH. We've got to quit assuming that everyone is going to have kids. Some people don't want kids and choose not to have them. Some people really want kids and are trying incredibly hard to have them. Indicating to these people that having kids is the only way they will reach some higher level of understanding is both inconsiderate and rude. I don't know what the alternatives to these statements are. Maybe just cut anything that starts with "When you have kids..." out of your repertoire all together. It makes you sound like someone's mom, anyway.
4. "Is the party kid-friendly?"
Unless you and your friend have some previous communication on this topic about how your little one is always welcome, assume the party is not kid-friendly. Don't ask. If it were "kid-friendly" they would have invited you AND your kids, and mentioned the awesome playroom that they will have set up in the basement. By asking your non-kid-having friends if their party is kid friendly you are putting them in the really awkward position of either MAKING their party kid-friendly on the fly, or telling you that the party is NOT kid-friendly which, then, no matter how low-key the party was intended to be in the first place, pretty much requires that they now provide a steady supply of hookers and blow. Don't make your friends set up a kids' room, and definitely don't make them buy hookers and blow.
5. "My life didn't have meaning before I had kids!"
Another way to say this: My life was meaningless before I had kids. Another way: Life without kids is meaningless.
Look, I know this feeling. Sometimes it feels like all the worries I had before my kids were trivial. I understand the urge to convey that feeling into words. Don't do it. Your life may have a different purpose now, but your pre-kid life was an important part of your story, and your non-kid-having friends are a part of that. Don't dismiss that part of your life the way most people skip the foreword to a novel they really want to read. By dismissing the "before" as just a buildup to your kids, you are not only dismissing your friends, but you're also implying that their story has not started yet.
Lastly, if you have done or said any of these things, you don't need to apologize. Just stop saying them. Apologizing will make it worse. I apologized for one of these things, and it came out poorly. It basically sounded like "Oh, you poor, delicate, non-kid-having flower. I am sorry that I was so consumed in my awesome parenting that I was neglectful and dismissive of our friendship. Please forgive me."
There was no forgiveness needed. I hadn't harmed anyone, I'd just annoyed them. Forgiving me would have been like forgiving a fly for landing on you. So, I promise to try and be more aware of how I say things, a better friend and less of a fly. And by less of a fly, I mean that I will not land on you, vomit on you and then try to eat you. College is over. I don't do that stuff anymore.
 
I dont think Ive ever said any of those things that I can recall
But, all I can say is, if you dont want to hear about peoples kids, then dont hang around people with kids.
 
As a pet lover and a parent I agree. You can talk about your pets and even say something like "My dog kept me up all night last night so I can relate" I will say something like "Yep, dogs are just as bad as kids - if not worse - at times" The only time I thought someone was nuts for treating their dog like a kid was when they demanded a Mother's Day celebration because they have a dog. They don't even like kids, but they have to celebrate the day. Just seemed nuts to me and not something I ever would have done before having a kid. Personally I think if you take care of a dog (especially from a puppy), you have done a lot of the hard work that is much like being a parent to a baby or non-verbal toddler.

You should only say 2 or 3 to people who are about to be first time parents just to scare the shit out of them ;)

4 is a pet peeve of mine. I only bring my son if you said he was invited. I hate when people bring their children to events that are not meant for them. Still bitter over a cabin we shared with friends one holiday and they brought their kids - who were sick too. UGH

5 is dumb as well and I don't think I ever heard someone say that.
 
I've heard number 5 a couple of times.

Usually from people who just spent most of their time drinking and partying and not accomplishing much of anything.
 
5 things Non-Parents need to Stop Saying to Parents

•"My child would never do that": "That" might be anything from being noisy in a restaurant to coloring on the walls with a purple crayon. Trust me, your kid will. So shut it.
•"Aren't you going to X?": Yes, my child just made a poopy joke. But I'm not going to punish him for it. I punished him for 10 other things this morning and it's just a poopy joke. If you had kids, you would know how common it is. So shut it.
•"Wow, I am so glad I don't have kids": We get it. Kids are hard and they look hard, but when you look at our little baby and you say things like that, it hurts us. Yes, even when they have runny noses, boogers in their eyes, and screams on their lips. Keep it to yourself and shut it.
•"I hate when parents (fill in the blank)": Here's the thing, just because we aren't giving our children a Popsicle to shut them up at the exact moment doesn't mean we never have. Since you don't have kids, you really don't know how you just try to survive from moment to moment. So shut it, please.
•"Just give him a movie!": Yes, my child's shouting is annoying me, too. And yes, it's making it hard to have a conversation, but the fact is, I don't just stick him in front of the TV and he is my child. No, he shouldn't interrupt, but he also shouldn't be placated with TV so you can tell me about your boyfriend's annoying habit. Shut it, please.
 
Seriously April, you need to hit snooze on your biological clock or something.