This is an odd thread, but I've known many of you for a long time and I put a lot of stock in your insight and advice. It's pretty humiliating talking about something this ridiculous, but I can't put up with it anymore.
For the past 15 years or so I have been dealing with occasional depressive mood swings. Nothing I can't usually handle, but a constant assault on my quality of life. I don't recall ever being depressed as a child or a teenager and I'm not sure exactly when they started. There are times when I feel like lying in bed all day, and times when I find myself staring at the wall and overwhelmed by a sadness that shouldnt be there and that I can't even label. It sucks my energy completely away, and leaves me an empty husk of my normally outgoing, light hearted self. Which, conveniently, depresses me further.
My thoughts are never suicidal, so no worries. I love experiencing what life has to offer. (Except chemical imbalances.)
I also suffer from the occasional anxiety attack, the roots of which I likewise cannot trace with any precision. I believe I had my first when I was around 20. There are times when nothing bothers me and nothing worries me, and then there are entire weeks where I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, my heart rate skyrockets, and my attention span is shot. I can't focus on anything except the vague fear that plagues me.
Last night several personal, emotional issues came to a head and I had what was arguably the worst night of my life. The resultant string of 7 or 8 panic attacks kept me awake through the night and in a strange state of profound terror and nausea. I vomited several times, paced back and forth, and today I am exhausted and still extremely anxious.
A close friend and coworker came into my office this morning to talk, and I broke down while discussing everything. I couldn't believe it. I never actually cry, and I was so tired and angry and confused that I couldn't stop. It's like I'm a completely different, crazy person and I can't change back. She consoled me as best she could, and described a similar bout of what she called post traumatic stress disorder following a lengthy battle with breast cancer and some other family issues. She cried for no reason, was terrified of things she couldn't identify, and didn't sleep for days. And then she got better, partly with the help of meds.
I don't doubt the events of the past couple of months (and the horrible fear that gnawed at me the whole time) are probably boiling over right now. But it's more than that, I think. Several members of my family suffer from depression and anxiety disorder, and while it's never this severe last night got me wondering how much of it was genetic. It scared the shit out of me. I could be paranoid (though not schizophrenic), but the episodes do seem to be getting more frequent as I get older.
If any of you has lived with constant, unpredictable mood swings or weird psychological self sabotage (in relationships, for example), I would love to hear how you dealt with it both in the long and short term. Or if you know someone who has. I don't want to be on meds forever, though I'm not adverse to taking some to knock this crap off in the short term. Dietary changes, exercise, etc. Anything that might help.
I think sitting on my ass on a sofa in a dark apartment, mostly unable to move, for the past 2 months has a lot to do with this disturbing mental transformation. Maybe it's a Vitamin D deficiency. I'm hoping someone has a little insight before I spend $200 to see a psychiatrist.
What the Jesus Fuck is Happening to Me,
Sarcasmo
San Dimas High School football doesn't rule the way it used to.
For the past 15 years or so I have been dealing with occasional depressive mood swings. Nothing I can't usually handle, but a constant assault on my quality of life. I don't recall ever being depressed as a child or a teenager and I'm not sure exactly when they started. There are times when I feel like lying in bed all day, and times when I find myself staring at the wall and overwhelmed by a sadness that shouldnt be there and that I can't even label. It sucks my energy completely away, and leaves me an empty husk of my normally outgoing, light hearted self. Which, conveniently, depresses me further.
My thoughts are never suicidal, so no worries. I love experiencing what life has to offer. (Except chemical imbalances.)
I also suffer from the occasional anxiety attack, the roots of which I likewise cannot trace with any precision. I believe I had my first when I was around 20. There are times when nothing bothers me and nothing worries me, and then there are entire weeks where I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, my heart rate skyrockets, and my attention span is shot. I can't focus on anything except the vague fear that plagues me.
Last night several personal, emotional issues came to a head and I had what was arguably the worst night of my life. The resultant string of 7 or 8 panic attacks kept me awake through the night and in a strange state of profound terror and nausea. I vomited several times, paced back and forth, and today I am exhausted and still extremely anxious.
A close friend and coworker came into my office this morning to talk, and I broke down while discussing everything. I couldn't believe it. I never actually cry, and I was so tired and angry and confused that I couldn't stop. It's like I'm a completely different, crazy person and I can't change back. She consoled me as best she could, and described a similar bout of what she called post traumatic stress disorder following a lengthy battle with breast cancer and some other family issues. She cried for no reason, was terrified of things she couldn't identify, and didn't sleep for days. And then she got better, partly with the help of meds.
I don't doubt the events of the past couple of months (and the horrible fear that gnawed at me the whole time) are probably boiling over right now. But it's more than that, I think. Several members of my family suffer from depression and anxiety disorder, and while it's never this severe last night got me wondering how much of it was genetic. It scared the shit out of me. I could be paranoid (though not schizophrenic), but the episodes do seem to be getting more frequent as I get older.
If any of you has lived with constant, unpredictable mood swings or weird psychological self sabotage (in relationships, for example), I would love to hear how you dealt with it both in the long and short term. Or if you know someone who has. I don't want to be on meds forever, though I'm not adverse to taking some to knock this crap off in the short term. Dietary changes, exercise, etc. Anything that might help.
I think sitting on my ass on a sofa in a dark apartment, mostly unable to move, for the past 2 months has a lot to do with this disturbing mental transformation. Maybe it's a Vitamin D deficiency. I'm hoping someone has a little insight before I spend $200 to see a psychiatrist.
What the Jesus Fuck is Happening to Me,
Sarcasmo
San Dimas High School football doesn't rule the way it used to.