Am I in the wrong here?

[Ryokurin]

The past couple of months have been nothing but change, and as such I've been taking a overhaul of my life and making changes where I deem necessary, I'm getting issues that have bothered me taken care of and basically taking the approach that if it wasn't helping me I'm willing to to cut it out like the cancer it is and move on. This brings me to the situation I just went through.

My ex roommate recently moved to Houston. Over the past year I met a few people through him, most of them were his ex high school friends. Some of them are pretty cool and all, but 90% of the time when we all hung out the topics were on items that they were all in on was because it was dealing with their time in school together. Thats fine, they all have a connection and there really isn't much I can do to become a part of that. I hung out as a courtesy and just zoned out most of the time when they were reliving their nostalgia. They partied often but out of the year of knowing them, I rarely if ever got a call from any of them to let me know of the upcoming plans. I didn't think anything of it at first, but after a while it started to get to me. No one treated me cold there or anything, but I still felt that I was being included since my roommate was their good friend.

So fast forward to now, I get a call from my roommate that they are having a party tomorrow and that I should go. As usual, they all worked it out and so forth and my roommate is relaying it to me. I told him, that I would go if they actually call and invite me myself. He tried to do the standard, "no its ok, they want you there" bit but I stood my ground and said, again "They can call me to ask me to come." My stance is that, hell they have my number, my gmail address and I'm 10 miles away from them, not 1000 miles like he is. Why is he still their proxy? I haven't heard a peep from anyone in over a month what am I supposed to do jump up and take this bone? I'm over that and if it means I have to cut off all contact until it stops then thats the price that has to be paid. its not like I'm missing that much in my eyes anyways.

Your thoughts?

[AbbyNormal]

i think if it bothers you that much then you should just let them go. sometimes easier said then done but in your case you sound like you don't mind them out of your life.

[Ryokurin]

I've gone through a lot of change, not just in the past three months, but over the past year and I've realized I've wasted a ton of time. I've been largely by myself the past month and a half other than when I'm at work. I would like to continue an relationship but I'm not going to beg for it. I'll survive with or without them.

[AbbyNormal]

You are stronger then i am. does it bother you that you have spent so much time alone?

[Wren]

I don't think that's wrong. You have the right to draw lines in your relationships where you want. If it's important to you, you've totally done the right thing.

Just to offer a different perspective, to me it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I know my roommate's friends and my roommate, his friends and I will occasionally hang out. However it doesn't bother me that they don't call me for whatever. Basically they know what I enjoy and what I don't, and they'll invite me to things they think I'll enjoy. To me this is just the way I want my relationship with them to be. I don't really want anything more out of them then a good time, and all of us are cool with that.

It's quite possible they think you're like me.

But the much greater weight should be given to the first paragraph.

[FlamingGlory]

I think you are overthinking it.

Go if you like, dont go if you dont want to, do not care for the opinions, real or imagined, of these people. Free alcohol is free alcohol...

[Ryokurin]

You are stronger then i am. does it bother you that you have spent so much time alone?

I'm an introverted person. It used to bother me but that was when I thought being introverted was a bad thing. I find things to fill the time with, and I'm happy with sorting out my thoughts and plans. I actually think its been good for me as its helped me come to that decision. I'm not saying that I'm happy to be alone all the time, but I don't see them as my only way of meeting new people. I'm just simply trying to make up for lost time on my own terms.

[Ryokurin]

I don't think that's wrong. You have the right to draw lines in your relationships where you want. If it's important to you, you've totally done the right thing.

Just to offer a different perspective, to me it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I know my roommate's friends and my roommate, his friends and I will occasionally hang out. However it doesn't bother me that they don't call me for whatever. Basically they know what I enjoy and what I don't, and they'll invite me to things they think I'll enjoy. To me this is just the way I want my relationship with them to be. I don't really want anything more out of them then a good time, and all of us are cool with that.

It's quite possible they think you're like me.

But the much greater weight should be given to the first paragraph.

I dont think its a big deal, but its my line in the sand. I understand they have more history and i'm relatively new to them, but I just find it some what funny how he is still my proxy to them.

[Thorn Bird]

how would you feel about asking one of the friends outright? or even making a joke if you were to go, like, "next time you don't have to invite me via long distance" or something like that. drop the hint that it's ok to call you and that you'd appreciate it. then give it another shot. maybe you're giving out a vibe to them that you aren't approachable or something. not that i see you doing that, but you never know. :O

but it's true...if you just aren't interested in maintaining a relationship like this, it's ok to cut it. you have really become comfortable with who you are and you don't seem to need any relationships that are "high maintenance." do what you are most comfortable doing.

[eileenbunny]

I think Thorn Bird's suggestion is a good one. I don't think it's wrong to cut ties with these people if that is what you want, but I don't think it is your only option. Do you ever call these people and invite them to do things?

[Ryokurin]

its rather hard for me to. My off days are sunday and monday. The times I did offer a movie or something they had already seen it. I dont leave work until midnight so if I tried to catch up with them after stuff was half way over. The vast majority of the time when they do something work conflicts with it. I admit I haven't tried much, but I don't have a schedule to do it. It makes dropping them easier actually since I never really see anyone.

[Sarcasmo]

I have a group of "friends" just like this. Met them through Wonko's brother eons ago. I don't mind them when we're hanging out once every couple years, and I usually have loads of fun when we do, but they never ever call me and I never ever call them. And I've known them for at least 10 years. Kinda weird when I think about it, but it doesn't bother me at all. I just have my own life to think about.

[w_a_w]

she how reciprocity works out before you flush them unless you care that little for them

[mikey]

I think you are overthinking it.

Go if you like, dont go if you dont want to, do not care for the opinions, real or imagined, of these people. Free alcohol is free alcohol...

I am equally meh about the situation.

[BadMojo]

We can get back at the roommate. You can come to Houston, stay with Patty and I, we'll make plans, and one of us can relay it to the ex-roomie.

On second thought, forget the roomie and just come see us in Houston!

[dbzeag]

If you spend lots of time alone and frankly it sounds like you are getting bored with it, I would go out anyway. I rarely get invited places even though I wish I was. Even if my roommate invites me to her friend's stuff, I still go. I am going to meet people and have fun talking to people. Maybe I make a connection, maybe I don't. At least it gets me out of the house and and gives me an excuse not to come over to my parent's house that night :fly:

[fly]

I think you're being a woman. I love you man, but thats just a bitchy thing to say. Are you 13?

[AbbyNormal]

If you spend lots of time alone and frankly it sounds like you are getting bored with it, I would go out anyway. I rarely get invited places even though I wish I was. Even if my roommate invites me to her friend's stuff, I still go. I am going to meet people and have fun talking to people. Maybe I make a connection, maybe I don't. At least it gets me out of the house and and gives me an excuse not to come over to my parent's house that night :fly:

wow please come see me in texas if your only other option is your parent's house. why don't you get out often?

[dbzeag]

wow please come see me in texas if your only other option is your parent's house. why don't you get out often?

It's not that I go to my parents all the time. They just want me to come all the time, and I have to make excuses not to see them. Saying I am going to a party or to hang out would be a valid excuse.

Now back to OP. I think you should go and enjoy yourself. If the others enjoy your company, they will call. If not, they should tell you to bugger off. If you are in between, just ride the experience for free alcohol and time IRL chatting with someone.

I would not be ashamed to be a "tagalong"

[BadMojo]

wow please come see me in texas if your only other option is your parent's house. why don't you get out often?

Where you at in Texas?

[Ryokurin]

I think you're being a woman. I love you man, but thats just a bitchy thing to say. Are you 13?

Maybe, but I simply feel like I'm inviting myself every time they do something.

[KNYTE]

I think you're being a woman. I love you man, but thats just a bitchy thing to say. Are you 13?

[SRC]

I told him, that I would go if they actually call and invite me myself. He tried to do the standard, "no its ok, they want you there" bit but I stood my ground and said, again "They can call me to ask me to come."


*disclaimer* what you are about to read is not meant to be mean or bitchy at all .. just direct and to the point (matter of factly if you will).

You are a guy right?

That is how 90% of guys operate. They don't have that "social connection" that girls do. They have a party and pass the word around. They don't call their buddies on a regular basis and chit chat. They have a few direct friends they may (or may not) call and invite to do things, the rest get asked indirectly (just like your friend has done here).

When you are outside a guys "group" and they tell someone to spread the word to you .. that means they like you being around. Otherwise they would say "hey, don't tell "so-and-so" ok. And you wouldn't get invited.

Just because they don't send you a pink, frilly, invitation card, 4 e-mail's asking for a RSVP, and leave 3 voicemails begging you to come .. doesn't mean your friend is inviting you without them asking.

If you want to go have a blast .. then go. Otherwise, go watch a movie at your parents house .. since you know they'll ask personally themselves.

Sorry if it sounds blunt, but I am a blunt person. You just gotta get over the fact that people will use other peopel to invite you. It's just how it works.

[FlamingGlory]

^SRC has a good perception :lol: I talk to most of the guys I know maybe once a month or less, unless there is a specific reason.

[BeerAd]

Personally I feel it is your fault and if you are reading this much into it you already know that.

[fly]

Maybe, but I simply feel like I'm inviting myself every time they do something.

We're guys man. We're simple. So they don't feel comfortable and/or care to call you, who cares? I have a ton of people that I only hang out with through friends. Believe me, if those guys didn't want you there, though you were a loser, and/or hated you, you wouldn't fuckin be invited.

Not only were you in the wrong, but I think you owe your friend an apology for even thinking of putting him in that place. :heart:

[mikey]

Not only were you in the wrong, but I think you owe your friend an apology for even thinking of putting him in that place. :heart:



that's fekkin gay. the guy train of thought: i should probably apologize for saying that. *several days pass* i could apologize for saying that. *end of april, we had beers the other night and i didn't bring it up* he should man up, he knows i didn't intend any offense, was remorseful and if he has a problem with no spoken apology, piss off *yo dude, cavs are in the playoffs. you want to catch a game tomorrow at hooters?*

[fly]

that's fekkin gay. the guy train of thought: i should probably apologize for saying that. *several days pass* i could apologize for saying that. *end of april, we had beers the other night and i didn't bring it up* he should man up, he knows i didn't intend any offense, was remorseful and if he has a problem with no spoken apology, piss off *yo dude, cavs are in the playoffs. you want to catch a game tomorrow at hooters?*

Good point. If I were hanging out with the dude tomorrow, I'd apologize. But if its gonna be awhile, just ride it out. :D

[Thorn Bird]

We're guys man. We're simple. So they don't feel comfortable and/or care to call you, who cares? I have a ton of people that I only hang out with through friends. Believe me, if those guys didn't want you there, though you were a loser, and/or hated you, you wouldn't fuckin be invited.

Not only were you in the wrong, but I think you owe your friend an apology for even thinking of putting him in that place. :heart:

he does, doofus.

[mikey]

We're guys man. We're simple. So they don't feel comfortable and/or care to call you, who cares? I have a ton of people that I only hang out with through friends. Believe me, if those guys didn't want you there, though you were a loser, and/or hated you, you wouldn't fuckin be invited.

Not only were you in the wrong, but I think you owe your friend an apology for even thinking of putting him in that place. :heart:

he does, doofus.

[Ryokurin]

Thanks everyone.

[Jonny_B]

Maybe, but I simply feel like I'm inviting myself every time they do something.
you gotta keep doing that until you've built some more common experience with them. it'll take time, and you'll feel awkward, but it's gotta be done to break into an established group of friends. it's worth it if you think they're fun to hang out with.

edit: oops, old thread.

[fly]

So what ever happened with this Ry?

[Onnotangu]

invite them for streetfighter.

[Sarcasmo]

So what ever happened with this Ry?

404: Interest not peaked

[Coqui]

I tried skimming through this and didn't see it. Have you made any effort to contact them while your ex-roomate was gone? They may not put you in their initial plans of contact because you never talked to them before they got back in touch with your ex-roomate.

Again if this was already covered, accept my apologies.

[Ryokurin]

They called and I went. Its about as simple as you can put it.

[Coqui]

They called and I went. Its about as simple as you can put it.

So in essence you never showed willingness to hang out with them while your ex-roomate wasn't there. You never took initiative. Did you actually talk to them on IM or through email?

[Ryokurin]

I talk to them plenty. I've called a few times to see if they wanted to go to the movies, or out and so forth. Don't think I haven't tried, I tried plenty. Its just what I said, If they didn't call me to come, why does someone 1000 miles away feel the need to tell me to go? I respect people enough not to just crash something I wasn't directly invited to.

Let me put it in a perspective. Lets say I overhear that WAW is having a party from fly. WAW hasn't told me about it, and lets just say we talk every day and hang out often. I would be in the wrong if I just showed up. without being invited.

[Sp`ange]

fuck 'em..

[FlamingGlory]

I'm like still not with the caring. This is passive agressive bs.

[Coqui]

I talk to them plenty. I've called a few times to see if they wanted to go to the movies, or out and so forth. Don't think I haven't tried, I tried plenty. Its just what I said, If they didn't call me to come, why does someone 1000 miles away feel the need to tell me to go? I respect people enough not to just crash something I wasn't directly invited to.

Let me put it in a perspective. Lets say I overhear that WAW is having a party from fly. WAW hasn't told me about it, and lets just say we talk every day and hang out often. I would be in the wrong if I just showed up. without being invited.

I understand now, and agree you aren't in the wrong.

[BeerAd]

I talk to them plenty. I've called a few times to see if they wanted to go to the movies, or out and so forth. Don't think I haven't tried, I tried plenty. Its just what I said, If they didn't call me to come, why does someone 1000 miles away feel the need to tell me to go? I respect people enough not to just crash something I wasn't directly invited to.

Let me put it in a perspective. Lets say I overhear that WAW is having a party from fly. WAW hasn't told me about it, and lets just say we talk every day and hang out often. I would be in the wrong if I just showed up. without being invited.

Just do what I do, show up anyways, fuck april and steal there beer/food.

[Dharma1521]

Just do what I do, show up anyways, fuck april and steal there beer/food.

hahahah, its funny because its true.

[BeerAd]

And for a serious comment...

Honestly I think you are in the right as in feelings but you have to understand that they might feel the same. What if they dont want to piss your friend off by inviting you first? What if they assume that inviting him means you are coming and they take it for granted. Does not mean they dont want you there, they just know you will come with him. My best friend Dave comes with me when I go out with our friends. I introduced him to them all, they never call him because they know he would be with me if he can come. He has become close friends with everyone yet they never call him, he never calls them. When he doesnt come out, everytime, people ask where he is. I hope that shows a different example for you from my personal experience.